For a long time I found it really difficult to stand up for myself around bullies. I was fine asserting myself with most other types of people, but not the irrational, aggressive, in-your-face bully. I felt intimidated, teary and humiliated every single time.
I realised later that I tended to lose my voice and myself around bullies because they are so unfair. It’s so hard (and pointless really) to argue with someone who just wants to make you look small so they can feel bigger. I also think that bullying can be quite subtle and pervasive so that you are almost questioning yourself whether it is actually happening.
Bullying for kids is a different field and one I’m not experienced in. But if you are facing bullying of the adult kind, my main strategy has always been to stay well away. But if you really can’t avoid them…
1. Stand tall and proud
Make eye contact. Don’t flinch. Be solid. Practice deep breathing. Listen to what they have to say, but don’t own it. Be a wall with ears.
2. Don’t get angry
Distract yourself with a poem, counting, a song. Our huge repertoire of nursery rhymes comes in handy right about now. It’s hard to get angry when your head is singing “a’tissue a’tissue we all fall down”.
Remember the golden rule with bullies: whatever their problem is, you are not it.
It won’t do you any good to try to ‘win’ a confrontation with a bully. This can be frustrating because it’s just not fair to let someone so awful and undeserving be the ‘winner’. It’s not right, it’s not fair, but it’s just the way it is.
3. Stand up for yourself
When the time is right, interrupt them in a calm, measured voice. Saying their name again and again in a firm but gentle way tends to get their attention. Say “I don’t like the way you’re talking to me. I’m happy to have this conversation, but not like this. Maybe you should come back when you’ve calmed down.” Note that you are putting the onus on them here. Walk calmly away. Ignore the insults that they will shout after you.
4. Be honest about how you feel
The temptation is often to keep a bully at bay by being kind to them. When I was younger I used to do this, but although it smoothed the way, it sure didn’t make me feel good about myself. These days I tend to be upfront with bullies and also about how I’d prefer to deal with them. This makes me feel better and it also makes me less likely to be bullied by them again. For instance, at work I tell them in no uncertain terms that I find talking with them face to face difficult and would prefer to use email.
5. Let people know
Don’t feel ashamed that you’re having problems dealing with someone like this. Let other people know so that you are not alone. Most bullies are harmless, but some can turn very ugly, very quickly. It’s good to know you have back-up. Be proud of the fact that you have people you can rely on in this way. Bet your best knickers the bully doesn’t.
Madmother says
Yes, but as I am loud, outspoken and opinionated they leave me alone pretty much.
And I derby so am scary as well.
I'm So Fancy says
Isn’t this advice applicable to newborns and toddlers too?! 🙂 x
Wanderlust says
I think this is excellent advice. Bravo! Having been there, done that, I know the frustrations and what doesn’t work. Don’t get caught up in the game. Stay in control of yourself. x
Laura says
I agree with all you are saying..I have come across a few of them and it is the best you can do!!..good advices!!
Megan Blandford says
Great advice. Through school, I had no idea what to do, but in my working life I found my way. I did some of these things with a couple of people I worked with and found myself feeling more confident, and also showing those people that what they were doing was wrong. So much better than the old ‘ignore them and they’ll go away’ theory.
DaniV says
I am hopeless with bullies. I grew up in a domestic violent home (my Dad was a big bully to my Mum and us) plus I was bullied badly at school. Then I was bullied right out of my mother’s group. My tactic with bullies has always been retreat and avoid. Not great, but something I have been working on more recently. I do not want to be an easy target anymore nor do I want to be a victim.
x0xJ says
I’m not too scared of bullies. Maybe that makes me one? Idk? But i tend to just think WTF is your problem, and i’m a very logical thinker, so usually i say something like “You’re the one with the problem, you go fix it” especially when i can see it’s not me they’re just using me as their punching bag.
I wish they taught how to deal with bullies to our kids. Master B is such a sensitive soul i worry. So far he’s proven to be “water off a ducks back” but i know that won’t last forever and frankly i don’t want a bully to ruin that magic in him.
MomAgain@40 says
I have not used the advice myself yet, so I am not sure that it will work… But it is something to try. Name the bully by the name. Say something like: “Jeremy Bully (correct surname here), you are bullying me, and I want you to stop!”
When I was at school, I used to give bullying types the LOOK/COLD STARE, and I never had a problem. 😉
Just Martha says
Great advice as always. I think by speaking calmly and looking them in the eye, you take away their power and yes, are less likely to be bullied by them. I teach my kiddies to say 1 sentence: ‘You have said that already, can’t you think of something new to say’. I works a good deal of the time and stops them from looking like an easy target…
Brenda @ Mira Narnie says
ah the adult bully! Some people just don’t grow up! I’ve had my fair share and when i had no idea how to deal with my strategy was to kill them with kindness – yep be nice and nicer to them….nothing irritates a bully more.
happy days to you xx
Mel says
Ugh .. brought back memories of one I dealt with for a few years. I found in the end once I’d let her know that I was hearing her (through the ranting and raving) by reflecting back to her (calmly though I was melting inside) it took the wind right out of her sails and I would see her physically relax and sometimes she would even burst in to tears. Unfortunately I think a Iot of people think bullying (shouting, complaining etc) is the way you get someone to listen to and respect you when actually, as we all know, the opposite is true!
great post!
Marion Williams-Bennett says
such great advice, thank you. I tend to cry when I get mad, and it’s hard with bullies because my anger tears make me seem weak, which drives me nuts.
Taking this advice to heart don’t flinch, think of a poem and look them in the eye.
MultipleMum says
I am crap with bullies. I can’t stand the injustice of someone so horrible coming out on top. I go in. I go hard. I get frustrated. I get angry. I come off second best. They always win. Why is that?
Kelly says
Great advice, I dislike bullies!
Ruby Star says
the good part about bullies is they’re not really smart so eventually they make themselves look stupid. I had work bullying issues and went straight to the boss about it. I knew what my job was and the bully was trying to make me do theirs. In the end they left before being kicked out the door. I always tell my kids that bullies are really sad people inside and we should feel sorry for them. I think that helps in dealing with them rather than being affraid to feel sorry for them as they don’t feel loved like we do.
Anonymous says
We have neighbour bullies, so that’s always fun but funnily enough, there is always something I need to turn around and pick up whenever they are near, so they get a nice view of my giant a***!
Jacki says
Maxabella, I heart you! I’ve never been great at dealing with confrontation, though I’m getting better as I get older. Thanks for the advice, I’ll try to remember it next time!
PaisleyJade says
Such great tips – I often found it hard to stand up to bullies at school… then you find they’re still around in the grown-up world!
p.s. I love Suse’s softies! hehe
april says
i shall be teaching my little ones this.
Jane says
Brilliant post, Bron. I suffered terribly under bullying bosses for so many years and just did not have the skills to deal with them. Take a bow, my friend. J x
Posie Patchwork says
Oh yes, office bullying, one of my confident fiesty friends & myself both suffered when we were young mums in the work force. We had all the degrees & experience, but were shut down by (hate to say it) older childless women. She was in in PR, me in the oil industry. Honestly, it was horrible & we hated how it made us feel, we’d never been bullied in our lives!! Neither of us got to really take it on as we both had more babies & left.
My 4 children are almost bully proof, i’ve watched my eldest make a boy 3 years older cry, as he tried to take her on (in 2nd grade) & she got him to talk about his issues, i had to give him afternoon tea & listen to how awful his father was, so clearly, as you say, you are not the problem, something else is.
Love Posie
Naturally Carol says
If you don’t give in to the fear they want you to feel I think you can often get through to the heart of the matter, what ever that is. That isn’t always easy though ‘cos fear is what they excel in giving.
Curvaceous Queen says
I was married to one. It took me a long time to be able to stand up to my bullies. Something I still struggle with.
Kymmie says
Fabulous post and I hope that when I’m next with a bully, I have your post printed out and in my pocket. (Or at least I hope to remember to say their name lots, be honest about how I feel and walk away). xx
Melissah says
I just discovered your lovely blog. I’m just new into blogging & have just finished off my own blog on fashion & interior design.
http://scrapbook-melissah.blogspot.com/
I had a lot of fun putting it together maybe you would like to check it out if you have a spare minute.
x
Melissah
Anonymous says
How timely…I am just trying to come to grips with a subversive bully in my work place. I have tried being nice, she takes advantage. I have tried to stand up for myself but it often ends in “retreat and avoid” or loosing my voice.
Bully +1
Me -1 piece of my soul!
I have tried being nice, she takes advantage. Dealing with it is an exercise in Finding Myself 101. Friends have been amazingly supportive but as gangs are frowned upon in the adult workplace…I have made an appointment with a counsellor!
canterburywillow says
I jobshare with a bully – I am lucky that we rarely cross paths but this week we had a meeting on one of my days of work and there she was………..As soon as I walked into the office and moved a chair next to my desk she started…..”Please don’t put that chair there, I tripped over it” OMG she would of had to been drunk to trip over it…… It’s everything. Turn the radio down, open the door, leave the door open this much, shut your window, turn the fan down, turn the fan off, turn the heater up, don’t let anyone sit at my desk bla bla bla. unfortunately for me I lost my cool and called her a bitch so she will probably put in a complaint
Maxabella says
Canterburywillow – SHE’s putting in a complaint… it’s so unfair, isn’t it!? That’s the bit I can’t stand the most about bullies. Hope it all goes okay. Stand up for yourself where you can. x
mia says
I was married to a bully too. Now divorced. DV was involved. He was a shocker and I cannot believe a good person like me put up with his crap for way to long. I learnt to have big tolerance for crap, not good. But thank god I had the courage to walk away with my two small children.
Maxabella says
You sound like you’ve been through a lot in your life, Mia. Well done for having the courage to leave this situation and make a better life for yourself and your children. x
Natalie @ OurParallelConnection says
Trying to stay calm is a difficult thing to do in the face of a bully but this can be one of the only ways to help stop the bully from continuing. Loved this post when i read it the other day and happy to share it on #JustBecause link up.