Now, settle. I’m not talking about a mother who takes care of herself and pride in her appearance. I think we all like to think that we keep ourselves nice. I’m talking about capital Y Yummies who care about nothing except the way they and their offspring look. They half-sneer (all they can manage due to their recent ‘bowie’) at anyone who doesn’t wear heels on the school run and throw scorn at those who are less genetically and artifically blessed.
I think I’ve mentioned previously that whenever I see a Yummy Mummy I just want to stuff her into her Prada nappy bag and run over her with a Bugaboo pram. It’s not because they have coiffed nails and manicured hair. It’s not because they have prams that need regular servicing. It’s not even because their bums are so rock hard they don’t even sway when they’re running behind said pram.
No, it’s not even that.
It’s because they are so busy being Yummy that they often forget to be Mummy. Hence, at the playgroup you find yourself in charge of twenty kids while the Yummies sip herbal tea and compare spray tans. Hence, at the park you find yourself with extra kids to push on the swing, catch on the slippery dip and nose-wipe every two minutes. Hence, at the school gate you find yourself waiting patiently with extra children while Yummy is late yet again doing whatever it is that she does.
I yelp at the sight of one of them coming my way, furiously pushing her screaming baby while her iPod shuts out the world. Oh, what to do with those Yummy Mummies?
1. Don’t become the Dummy Mummy
If you find yourself idly wondering how your new friend Yummy keeps her nails and clothes looking so groomed when she has 3 kids under 4, remember this: the reason she looks so good is because other people take care of the messiness of her children. Trust me, you don’t want to become her other people so resist the urge to parent her children for her. Yes, you will feel bad that Axel has desperately been trying to get his mother to notice him for the past fifteen minutes, but not as bad as you will feel when you say ‘Yes, Axel?’ on her behalf that one time and suddenly find yourself with a new child called Axel.
2. Don’t reveal shared interests
There’s no denying that we are all a little jealous of how perfumed and pretty Yummy is. But never reveal your weakness. Even though I have been known to visit beautydressers and hairtherapists myself, I make a point of loudly proclaiming what a waste of money I think regular salon visits are. I feel no shame in being such a hypocrite, in fact I use my most booming voice. If I’m feeling particularly mean I might go on to whine that it is money that could be used to fund programs like Bear Cottage at Westmead Children’s Hospital. Those poor, underfunded children, suffering because Yummy needs french nails.
3. Dress down, baby down, down, down
A bit like our strategy for dealing with those Competitive types, you want to downplay any semblance of your own yumminess. This way you take the importance of looking photo-ready at every opportunity just right out of the equation. If you simply don’t care one jot about appearances, Yummy has nothing on you. NOTHING.
4. The ‘you have time for that?’ defense
“Oh, hi Yummy Mummy. So nice that you’ve got time to get your nails done and a weekly ‘blow out’, but some of us are too busy editing our memoirs, portrait painting for the Archibald and teaching your child to read on Friday mornings for such fripperies. Would love to stay and natter, but I’m just off to collect my OAM for services to volunteering after I stop by the Chemist for some Ural… been very busy, you know?”
5. The ultimate ‘since becoming a mummy’ defense
This is where you confess that you were the yummiest thing in town before becoming a mummy. Oh scoff, this is no lie. We were all technically yummier before the stretch-marks and jelly bellies hunted us down. Maybe not the best thing going, but in our heads we were, right?
So, Once Was Yummy, but now you are so enamored with your cherished children that trivial things like yumminess have been thrown aside like last season’s Gucci handbag. Back then you were concerned with the materialistic and the superficial, but now you’ve embraced the concept of role modelling and you don’t want your daughter or son to grow up with, shhhhh, body image issues. Now you have seen the light and are a much better and happier person for it. In fact, you are quite convinced you have found heaven on earth you are so darn happy since becoming a mummy. Just look at your beaming smile and contented eye twitch.