On Friday night an exchange occurred that made me realise that it’s easier to be a nice person in blogland.
We were at the school ‘Icebreaker’ function, where the grown-ups hang out without their cling-ons and have an uninterrupted conversation for longer than 30 seconds. It was fun. I mean, it was held under the covered area in the school playground with a couple of candles for ‘atmosphere’ and there was a lot of standing up involved and I couldn’t shake the P+C President who insisted on being her own version of a cling-on, but, hey, a night out is a night out, right?
But I was complimenting a woman on how beautifully she was dressed and half-way through realised: Too Much. She was staring at me like I was a perverted stalker (and I wasn’t even looking at her boobs!). This is what I said:
“You look so gorgeous tonight. I love how you’ve put that necklace with that dress… such a stylish touch. Really unique and special.”
Weird IRL, huh? But a comment like that on, say, Kymmie’s ‘Fancy Pants‘ link would be just the warm-up, right? We’d go on to discuss the cute shoe, the hair, the studied pose. IRL, a casual ‘you look nice tonight’ is about the maximum expected or appreciated.
How often do you randomly go around complimenting people? Noticing the details? How often do you go out of your way to let someone know that they’ve made your day? That they’re unique and special and talented and kind? That they are insightful, clever and fun?
No wonder we are all addicted to this special blogging community. It’s probably not that we’re all more caring and thoughtful – just that blogging allows us to be!
[Image via weheartit… I gotta get off weheartit because I hate not being able to find the correct source! Those darn tumblrs…]
Madmother says
I actually do it all the time. Yep, one of those freakish people who walk up to random strangers and go “Love your dress/hair/makeup/necklace”. Some people look at me as if I am an alien species, but most smile and say thank you. Have even had one say “Thank you, I was having a terribly hard day and you hae just lightened it up considerably.”
I think if you think it, and it’s nice, say it. It just may be the thing to turn a day around for someone.
Karen Wilson says
If you said to me “you look nice tonight” I would think that you were just trying to make conversation and not take your comment seriously, or trying to butter me up for something.
If you said “I love how you’ve put that necklace with that dress… such a stylish touch. Really unique and special”, I’d realise that you’d actually looked at what I was wearing, in detail and acknowledge that I’d taken time to put my outfit together
But maybe that’s just me.
Kate says
I’m a complimenter too and I totally know that occasional uncomfortable feeling of ‘by the look on her face perhaps I should not have told an aquaintance at school pick up that those jeans look great on her bum’.
Miss Ruby says
maybe i’m weird but i don’t think what you said to her irl was over the top?!?
it sounded like a really nice compliment, one i would love to receive!
i sometimes think, people just don’t know how to receive compliments, probably because they don’t get enough of them! so shouldn’t that encourage us to compliment people irl MORE?!? lol
~x~
Vanessa says
I would have been tickled pink if you told me that IRL. I agree that we don’t know how to accept compliments and I for one always try and find something nice to say to someone to make them feel great.
Beck says
Can you please come and live in my area and compliment me like that?! I think it was lovely of you to notice the effort that she made into her outfit. She’s the silly billy. She may have given you an odd look at the time, but probably went home feeling delighted that you noticed!
Mrs BC says
Your post (& the comments above, which I agree with & relate to) is making me wonder about the other side of the coin – if using ‘blog speak’ when complimenting people IRL makes non bloggers uncomfortable, does a perfunctory compliment ‘IRL speak’ leave a blogger cold because it is taken as being ‘not effusive’ enough? Has blogging raised the bar for bloggers when recieving compliments as well as giving compliments?
Spoken in my best Sarah Jessica Parker SATC voice…
Mrs BC
xx
Caz (The Truth About Mummy) says
What an interesting little post Maxabella. I agree actually, I’d probably feel a little uncomfortable being heaped with detailed praise at a social gathering – but do it all the time here. Odd. Maybe it’s the written word. I alwasy find it easier to speak with written words. Something to ponder. Thanks … love some thinking food.
Jane says
I’ve actually thought about this before, and I really agree with you! I freely use words like “lovely” and “beautiful” in blog comments and Twitter but IRL (although I really do mean it when I say it online!), I rarely throw those words into normal conversation. And yeah, I totally understand how a gushy compliment would be much easier to take via a blog comment rather than in person. I still wouldn’t look at you as if you were a freak though! Great post, and definite food for thought xxx
myshoeboxlife.com says
This is something I’ve realised a lot lately. The more I blog, the more I read blogs and comment, the ‘nicer’ I am IRL – in terms of complimenting and expressing my feelings. And that goes for my partner too. I’m sure he notices I’m more lovey dovey after spending a little time in Blogland. xx
Amy xxoo says
I do notice the cute details, but its not very often that i make mention of them.
That being said, if someone said that to me IRL….i’d be stoked!
Brenda @ Mira Narnie says
hahaha!!! oh poor you looking like a stalker or pervert! i could just imagine your realisation at the fact that you sounded like a verbal blog comment! i love to compliment others – but i am probably more likely to say “nice dress or nice skirt – where did you get it?” but perhaps next time i’ll see what happens if i add a bit more detail ;-))
Naturally Carol says
Personally I think it was a bit much for a spoken comment to someone you don’t know well…but hey..you’ve given me a good laugh for the day as I realised that I am probably in danger of doing a similar thing! It doesn’t really hurt though does it. Practising compliments and being grateful each week doesn’t allow me to sink into depression or feel sorry for myself half as much as I used to do. Thank you everyone!
BabyMac says
Funny! I had the EXACT same thought last weekend when I fawned over this lady’s top who was WORKING at a function I was at. I was all like “FABULOUS top! You look great – love how it works with this and this and this” and everyone around me stopped and looked at me like I was mental and the woman seemed quite pleased. And that’s what it was – I was in blogging mode where the mind is always looking/thinking and analysing and then commenting! I’m glad I do it!
PlanningQueen says
I am making more of an effort to compliment in real life, particularly on the small things. Like when I see a mum with a couple of little ones and they are all managing to keep it all together at the shops, as I walk by I try to make a positive comment on how well they are doing.
So often you get the looks from others when it falls apart, no one seems to notice when you are holding it together!
supermac says
This is quite thought-provoking and I’m glad that you’ve written something for us to ponder about. I am generous when it comes to compliments (but I don’t do it just for the sake of…I only do it when I genuinely feel it.) That said, I just realized I only compliment people I am close to. For those outside my circle, I only admire say, their sense of fashion, quietly, and from a safe distance.
Ruby Star says
Haha, yes, it’s easier to be nice in blog land. Take the local supermarket for instance. I take my stuff to the checkout and as i’m a friendly type i smile nicely at the young checkout chick who inturn looks at me strangely and says ‘what are you staring at;? Omg, wasn’t trying to be creepy just smiling you know like happy nice people do… but let me tell you i was embarressed as hell and tried my hardest not to even look at her the next time. Trust me, i’d be over joyed if someone (even random) told me how nice i looked 🙂
Tas says
Great post. I have never really thought about it. But lol- every time I leave a compliment on a blogpost, I am going to find myself thinking about saying it to a real person.
Ms Styling You says
I do that all the time – I’m the first to notice what someone is wearing and comment on it in a good way.
Kerry says
Once, long before blogging, I stopped a woman in the street and told her how fantastic her hair looked. She didn’t seem all that happy about the compliment. If someone had done that to me it would have made my day. All kinds I guess 🙂
Mammamusing says
Well I know if you’d walked up to me and given me such a compliment I would have been so chuffed.
Compliments are few and far between IRL.
Although in saying that as much as I would have loved it I’m not so good at receiving compliments and would have gone all weird on you and left you wishing you’d said nothing at all.
Yes I think you’re right. It is just so much easier to compliment online 🙂
therhythmmethod says
I do this sometimes and immediately feel like a tit. I think it’s because people don’t know how to react – in blogland, you don’t have to worry because you know people love to receive comments.
I think this is why we like blogland – you can say what you’re really thinking, instead of a ‘blah’ compliment.
Megan Blandford says
Oh I so agree. I’m so bad at giving and receiving compliments IRL but online it’s so much easier.
Looking for Blue Sky says
I’d love to see what any men think (I’m not one!) as I can complement in real life, but often worry that it looks insincere when it’s written down (perhaps because the body language and tone of voice is missing)
Knicky Knacks says
So true. My husband yawns when I tell him about the lovely people in blogland. My typing late at night irritates him. I can’t help it, I’m addicted to the love. As for complimenting people in real life, I do that often too and can’t for the life of me work out why that woman didn’t accept your gorgeous comment graciously. Mind you, if she had a good set of boobs, I would’ve stared. I can’t help but admire woman that still have nice, stickyout boobs unlike the hacky sacks that I now have after two children. It’s hard not to look when you wish you had some just like them!
Sarah says
Insightful post! I hadn’t really thought about it before, but I think you’re absolutely right. I still remember the delight I felt when I discovered this community of really nice women who leave really lovely comments when I first began blogging. So addictive!
Miss Pink says
I don’t know about the lucky woman to receive your compliments, but i would have LOVED that IRL or online.
IRL, i notice the details, yes, but i don’t say anything, it’s hard to. To my friends even telling them i care, it’s usually via text or something and something i’ve only recently realised i need to do. People aren’t mind readers afterall, and no one should be offended for being told they mean something to someone.
Megan says
I know what you mean, but don’t stop doing it! We need more positive comments and compliments in the world, people are getting unused to them and that is the problem more than you were a bit OTT.
I find it’s easier to be nice as in replying to people’s troubled posts in blogland because you can take five minutes to formulate what inspiring and helpful or comforting thing you want to say without it coming out just as ‘oh, I’m sorry’
Bugalugs aka Jacqui says
Great post, I compliment ‘IRL’ but must admit I hold back on saying too much in case I look like a stalking freak. I am however open enough to love it if a comment like that came to me ‘IRL’! One comment like that to me ‘IRL’ would have me chatting to you all night lol.
supermac says
By the way, I noticed that a lot of people are using IRL I had to google it. Hahaha, I feel so stupid. But this is one more good thing about blogland. You can be clueless and people will understand.
Cate says
too funny – somehow I can ‘see’ you doing this (you don’t strike me as particularly self conscious in any way :-))
I think online it works both ways though. Because *we* are all essentially nice people that niceness kind of gets amplified. But for those in our community who are not as nice it is too easy to hide behind the anonymity of commenting and be real jerks.
Also sometimes online the tone of a comment can be misinterpreted – which is probably why I use punctuation, little smilies and acronyms so much. I’d hate to be misunderstood simply because the other person couldn’t see my sarcasm was delivered with a smile 🙂
xxxCate
Lucy says
I wish you were at our school…..charmer.
xx
Mama of 2 boys says
Great post! I think your compliment was just lovely and I’m sure the lady you said it to would have been beaming on the inside, even if it didn’t show on the outside. I LOVE to compliment people, anyone, anywhere. I don’t feel inhibited at all in telling people they are pretty, or have great taste in clothes or that their kids are just adorable. My Mama has always been like that, so I think I may have inherited that gene! I must admit I do love blogland though, as there is just SO many wonderful things to compliment. I certainly get my fix… and then some ;o)
Jane says
Loving it, Bron. I think you’re onto something there. As much as I loathe the whole ‘IRL’ descriptor, I agree that there seems to be a disconnect between what one says IRL and when blogging. Like Sarah, I have been blown away by the kindness I’ve discovered in Blogland. I’m felling so lucky to be an *insider*! J x
the textured leaf says
Addictive: What Sarah said.
I did this at the market with Nicola from ‘Seed’ today. Loved every minute of it.
Great insight you have, x
Life In A Pink Fibro says
Love this. I’ve become one of those weirdos who actually speak to strangers in the street, telling them they look great. They look so bewildered, and then so damn pleased. I only do it for that reaction.
I know. Me. Weird.
Andrea - The Buckles x says
I would totally be made up if someone would say that to me. I always struggle what to say to people in ‘real life’. Paranoi-er sets in within 10 seconds. Blog land is so much better. and having chance to think first before typing – in my opinion is less stressful! x
Tricia Rose says
You done good – maybe it simply happens so infrequently she was floored!
A Country Wife says
Oh my goodness, yes! I’m terrible at understanding boundaries, and what is and isn’t appropriate conversation IRL. Isn’t it sad that we are expected to be reserved and a tad ‘boring’ when conversing with people we don’t know. My exuberance either attracts people or wards them off. Meh, I’d rather that then be fake and have everyone like me. I ADORE blogland because I can be me without judgement or retribution, and there are sooooo many adorable fellow bloggers to swoon over xx
Marion Williams-Bennett says
Food for thought here…It made me think about how blogging friendships affect how we see our real world encounters. When I read blog post, I am absorbed by the details – the people, the colors, the smiles, the images – and I just love that.
And it strikes me that your compliment was really obeservant and thoughtful – the same way you are in your blog comments.
In the end, if I heard that compliment (in person or in blogland!) I’d feel great, all day. All week.
She’s odd.
Wendy says
A comment like yours would have me glowing for a while to come, Max. I am a complimenter myself, but feel that people seldom take time to notice and remark on details. I agree with Marion…you managed to compliment an odd puppy.
anushka says
i always compliment my family and friends freely but must say that i hold back with complete strangers most of the time. however, when i get a compliment from a stranger i’m over the moon. so, maybe i should do it some more! i bet you made that lady’s night…
Kim H says
That’s the perfect way to compliment someone – it’s descriptive praise which is what we should use when we talk to everyone, especially our children. You took the time to say what it was you liked and you noticed her outfit rather than giving her a brush off comment like “you look great’.
I think it is easier to be kinder blogging though. For sure!It seems to be a happier, perkier, supportive little world. Love it!
Rachael says
I think it is easier to be nicer in blogland. I don’t really know why that is. Maybe because lots of us only visit the blogs we like, and so that’s makes being nice to them easier?
Sarah says
I think we live in a society where people are only really nice to each other when they want something.
It is a sad world we live in at times.
Maybe we do need to make an effort to be nice to others like the ramdom acts of kindness.
AND to accept nice comments and gestures for what they are and not think the other person is after something.
Tatter Beans says
that is awesome… and totally funny ..and why don’t I get compliments like that IRL… wish you lived near me.
Im not sure its easier to be nicer… I think we just express ourselves better…..
PEACHES says
I can relate on all counts. However, I tend to think people who laugh easy and compliment quickly will always go far and never lack for friends. If she looked at you crazy, she probably just doesn’t know how to take a compliment. Poo on her! Keep up the kind words!
Clea says
I do it all the time- whereever, and whenever, without hesitation! I’ve had a couple of really memorable instances in this life where people have done it to me, and it really makes you feel amazing. Continue on your complimenting-way, Maxabella! That woman probably turned around and felt chuffed for the rest of her night (even if she was slightly alarmed by her new ‘stalker’ friend!). xx
Jacinta @ modelmumma says
I think compliments are few and far between. Some people just don’t know how to accept them. I think it’s always lovely to receive them because they totally brighten up my day.
In some respects it is easier in blogland because you don’t have someone’s facial reaction there, but it is also easy to be nasty too unfortunately.
New Outlook Fitness says
Compliments make the world go round, bring them on I say! Great post x
Donna says
The blogging world is a brilliant place to be but only we lucky inhabitants seem to understand it 🙂 You did a lovely thing – if there was more complimenting in the world, wouldnt it be a happier place?
Rachel @ Little Bits of Lovely says
Haha, I can completely relate to this post! One of the reasons I love the blogging community because everyone is so nice and friendly and super supportive. The world would definitely be a happier place if this was carried through to our offline communities! Great post xx
Melinda's Stories says
What a lovely lady you are.
I think that it is very sad that the lady you were complimenting, didn’t appreciate and be grateful that you had made such a detailed and beautiful comment.
alexkeller says
i’m having a good laugh over this one. she must’ve looked at you as though you were wearing horns or something! while it may be easier to be nice, it’s unfortunately easier to be not so nice. i haven’t experienced it personally, and hope we never do!
Andrea says
I’m a complimenter…even to people on the street…and yes, i know the feeling. Crappy really that people assume freak before ‘friendly’. Mr. Rugby tells me off. He says “You can’t just talk to random people…” “Of course you can, that’s how you meet people”.
I do it in country towns, and i do it in cities. and i’m going to keep doing it. bugger them. we all should!!
Miss Kitty-Cat says
Nup – I think what you said was totally normal. Completely fine. She’s the one with the ‘tude. It’s her problem. I always try and say nice things to people. I’ve stopped strangers in the street and asked them where they have have gotten their dress/necklace/handbag/shoes if I am in an adventurous mood. If that’s crazy then call me Mrs Whacky-pants.
Naomi says
I have had a light bulb moment. No wonder people think I am weird. I talk like I blog. In complimentary comments. N x
Paula (Eggshell Blue) says
Oh, amen to that! Sad that we do it less and less and/or people think you’re being fake by being nice. I’m quite certain I am now less spontaneous ‘in public’ that in blogland. I find that with fluttering fingers on the keyboard, it’s so easy to ‘type’ from the heart. Top chic post, Maxabella 🙂
Becky says
Great post! It’s so true that here in blogland we pick up the details and gush about everything and it’s so nice to make and recieve those types of comments but yes it would be weird IRL. Which is sad, really.
Bungalowgirl says
Thankyou for popping over and visiting my little blog. I have just found your blog recently and have found it quite thought provoking and really liked the concept of sharing around the gratitude as finding more of it is one of my resolutions. Keep up those thoughtful blogs that seem to get everyone buzzing.
Kt says
This post just made me laugh out loud on the train (yes I read blogspot as I travel. Geek or what!). I found it particularly funny as I’m on a London train staring at some woman’s shoes and itching to say something complimentary. We don’t even speak on the train so god only knows what reaction I’d get. Tee hee!
Sandrine says
You kind of hit the nail on the head here!That is why we are all addicted to blogland! 🙂
Have a great week x
Alice Becomes says
i second naomi’s comment above…I have not realised it until now but i have started speaking like i blog too and yes it does get odd reactions
how funny
but how nice we can be so “nice” here
Gill xo
Kamika says
I find myself saying such glowing comments to clients at work, and just like you I get some weird looks. But after a moment or two they blush, say thank you and smile. Blogland has taught me good manners and how to pay attention to detail 😉
_vTg_ says
I think that the absence of facial expressions, tone etc means that bloggers tend to write more expressively than they would talk. Just the words “you look really nice” work much better if there’s an encouraging smile and eyebrows raised and eye contact. So without all that there is the need to add more detail to show that it wasn’t just a half-felt slip of the fingers.
Kymmie says
Oh, I love this post!
I told a mother at the kinder queue (while waiting to pick up our children) that I loved waiting to see what she would wear each day because her style was just so gorgeous. She was very gracious and seemed to take it well. Of course, afterwards I realised it was probably too much information. (We’d only spoken once before.) But it did break the ice because we spoke more today 😉
And while I’m complimenting: you’re blog is as fabulous as always. Such fantastic food for thought. (And if I saw you IRL, I would say that to you too!) xx
The Clip Cafe says
hahaha looking at boobs comment… sorry that’s what caught my attention. But yeah i think it is easier for me to leave more detailed conversation on blogs as I am pretty shy in real life..
Jodie at Mummy Mayhem says
I’m a complimenter. (don’t think that’s an actual word tho) I’ll tell people all the time the have nice hair/clothes/shoes etc. I’m paranoid people think I’m weird! But I LOVE it when a total stranger compliments me. One time I was shopping at my local Woolies and a woman rushed passed me and said, “You have really nice legs.” She then just kept walking. I was kind of shocked at first as I squeezed out a thank you, but then I was on Cloud 9 ALL day. 😉
Faux Fuchsia says
I always give lavish compliments and so does Old Mr FF. I love getting them too. always find it sad and weird that people can’t accept them- I blame low self esteem. I also have friends who won’t/can’t give them- find this odd. xx
Anonymous says
definitely not too much if you are good friends with the person… perhaps too much if you are strangers… i think, perhaps we talk to people online like we are better friends with them, than we actually are?
Cindy says
I actually do it with good friends, acquaintances, and strangers. I’ve always enjoyed noticing the small things about a person and at times mentioning it to them.
In the blogosphere it IS easier to be nicer and I like it that way. I get to determine if I like that person, personality, and ideas behind the words I’m reading. It’s a lot different because you can’t necessarily judge on body language though that is a con as well.
I think we all behave so nicely with one another because it’s a community or you ARE commenting because you do like something so there is similar ground. Also if we were more openly mean, and I don’t mean disagreeing, then you’d pretty much be considered a troll. The online aspect gives you a greater choice in what you want to comment on, what you do comment on, and what you just pass up!