I won’t link to the author just now as I’m not sure she wants the debate to rage on for her, but last week a loving Mum wrote a post about her frustration with her three year old and mentioned in that post that she smacked her daughter on a day when things just became all too much.
The debate, yes it raged.
Smacking is one of those polarising parenting issues. The only other parenting choice that I know of that sees more negativity is bottle feeding. They are both ‘dark ages’ parenting styles that the more ‘enlightened’ are very quick to judge.
I can’t believe I’m wading into this murky debate – and god knows I’m really over having the ‘judging is so wrong’ conversation – but I did want to tell you about my experience and what works for me.
I never wanted to smack. Before children I once saw a mother in a shopping centre smacking her child on the bottom saying “Don’t hit your brother!”
That was all I needed to know right there.
I also knew that I didn’t want to be the kind of parent that talked endlessly on and on to (at?) her young child about their naughty behaviour but did nothing to actually discipline the child. I didn’t know what the middle ground was, but I was going to find out what it was and be that parent (you know how we are before children…)
I absolutely wasn’t going to be a smacker.
But once upon a time when Maxi was three almost four and I felt like everything else I was doing just wasn’t working any more and I was at my wit’s end, I did try smacking on the advice of a few trusted people. I did it twice and each time felt extremely uncomfortable, I felt like I had failed. Mostly because, like many parenting things, I sort of stuffed up and used a wooden spoon, not my hand. Seriously, I really didn’t get it, did I?
Many would think that my using a wooden spoon as a ‘weapon’ was tantamount to abuse immediately, not worrying about how hard the smack was or where it was. And, to be honest, I would probably agree with them. Not the ‘weapon’ bit, because that’s just ridiculous, but the abusive bit… well, maybe. No, I don’t believe I scarred Maxi for life with a couple of smacks. But I definitely believe that I hurt him and scared him and disappointed him. And I hurt and scared and disappointed myself. Because if I was that uncomfortable after one smack, why on earth were there two?
Parenting is hard.
Fact is, I didn’t think the smacking approach worked any better than the ‘time out’ approach I had been using. I suppose immediately after the smacks the ‘threat’ of the wooden spoon might have saved me from the, oh I don’t know, bother of a time out or two, but it didn’t last long and fear of the wooden spoon certainly destroyed any hope Maxi might have had to be a chef one day. Sorry, bad joke.
Anyway, I realised that I had done the smacking when I felt like I didn’t have any other options. When I’d exhausted the techniques that I had learned and that had worked up until that point and beyond that I didn’t have a plan. Smacking was reactive. I felt panicked, overwhelmed – not ‘out of control’ but certainly not ‘in control’. How trustworthy is a mother in that state? How trustworthy is a person in that state?
What I didn’t realise was that none of it really mattered anyway. This, too, shall pass. Those moments, when I was at my wit’s end with my super-naughty, super-defiant, super-willful son, just… passed. I can barely even remember what they were like. New frustrations took their place, certainly – he was and still is the same super-naughty, super-defiant, super-willful child, plus, YAY, I have two more just like him – but I was different.
I never smacked again. We started to use the 1,2,3 approach* and it has worked for us for years. Partly because we’re 100% consistent with it, but mostly because I have never again let my children’s behaviour get under my skin the way I did in those exhausting early days. Because those moments of utter ‘what am I going to do with this child’ despair, well, in the end they just don’t matter enough.
So, these days, when I feel like I’m getting to that point where I’d rather quietly slit my wrists in the bathroom than hear my child defy me again (ie, most days, many times a day), I don’t even think that a smack might sort that child right out. If it’s not an option, it’s not an option.
No, these days I always, always have a plan.
Just when I’m on the verge of losing it completely, I think ‘it’s time to lighten the f up before you lose it completely’ and then, in the middle of a burning hot parent-child moment, I remember to take the high road. I remember that ‘winning’ doesn’t really matter in the end and I use humour to diffuse a potentially combustible situation.
So, well, I put on my Cranky Pants. Yep, I pretend to put those babies on and I announce in a mock super-cross voice “Right then, the Cranky Pants are Going On”. And noooobody likes it when the cranky pants go on because then Mum does the most insane cranky pants dance that is so unhinged and so silly that it’s embarrassing even to a three year old and then it’s really, really funny and then we’re all laughing and then we’re suddenly friends again AND THEN, then I say “so, do you think you could do X for your crazy mumma after all?’
And the answer is invariably… “yes”. Yes, Mumma, I could do that, stop that, try that, help that, pick that up, put that down, move that… be that.
* If you’re keen, I can do a post on 1,2,3 but your mum will know this discipline method. 1 is a reminder of the behaviour we expect. 2 is a warning that if they don’t change their behaviour, there will be consequences. 3 is the consequences. Certain behaviours skip the 1 and 2 and go straight to 3 (hitting is, unsurprisingly, one of them). These are all agreed as a family and are listed on our board. It is rare these days that we get all the way to 3, most of the time a 1 reminder is enough. That took a lot of work, but it’s been that way for ages and I feel like we’re mostly on top of things most of the time. x
[Image by the uber-talented Elisabeth Dunker details a much better use for the humble wooden spoon]
therhythmmethod says
I read this post too. I think we’ve all been through this feeling of frustration with our kids. I feel for the mama in question, as this is a difficult topic and not one I would like to have debated on my blog. HOWEVER, I love your approach, and if you don’t mind, I will try the Maxabella cranky pants dance next time one of my monkeys decides to cut loose. I may even give myself a wedgie to up the crank factor!
Brave, wonderful post.
Cath says
Thank you. I have never actually smacked my munchkin, but I have come pretty close a few times. Like you, I would have been very upset if I had actually done it. I am probably using the 1,2,3 method (although I had never heard the term) most of the time with my determined, independent minded young man, and find it pretty effective. I love the cranky pants. Might just have to use them – reckon they’d work wonders when they’re between 8 and 14, don’t you?
Renee says
We use 1,2,3 too – with step 3 being time out/removal of the item in debate – though I hadn’t heard it called that before – it certainly works a whole lot better than smacking I’m sure (in NZ smacking is illegal) I’m constantly trying to stop my two girls smacking/hitting/pushing each other so I couldn’t really justify smacking them to teach them not to smack.
PS love the pic of the wooden spoons! when I was a kid we had a wooden spoon called ‘the smacker’ with our names written on it – these ones look much nicer!!!
Alice Becomes says
I decided that I would not smack my children – my mum made the same decision and we were never smacked. (My mum is the calmest most patient person on the planet – SERIOUSLY!). But there have been 2 occasions with Oscar where I lost it and smacked him. Very hard. But still on the bottom. Both times I did this when extremely tired and during occasions where MM had been working long long hours and it had just been me and the boys for too long! These sound like excuses – they are not meant to be, but they do help to explain the situation. I felt that I have resorted to smacking when I have lost control of my anger. I don’t like this – i felt terrible, Oscar felt terrible and this is not the type of behavior I want to model. I apologised to Oscar (i think that is important) and we moved on from it. We also use 1, 2, 3 method. And humour too – works like a dream. I understand why people beat themselves up (another bad joke?! ha) after they have smacked but you know what? This parenting business is as much about learning for the adult as for the child. When we make mistakes, we can opt to learn from it – and move forward
Gill xo
Jane says
I love this post. Even though I’m still young, naive and in the ‘before-child’ phase of thinking I will one day be a perfect parent (won’t happen – guaranteed), I still love reading posts like these and hearing different points of view regarding discipline and parenting in general.
I’ve worked as a nanny for what feels like thousands of different families and only one family used smacking as a punishment. Funnily enough, they actually used a wooden spoon! I remember one morning, their baby girl snatched a toy from her 3yo brother. Her brother (having obviously associated the wooden spoon with ‘doing the wrong thing’), grabbed the wooden spoon from the second drawer and proceeded to start hitting his baby sister with it. I was HORRIFIED!!! They were the most feral and brutish bunch of kids, and that has turned me off smacking (I say this now, but like you, I may end up wanting to smack my own child one day).
Love love love how you use humour to diffuse the tension. I think that is hilarious, and such a good idea! Nothing like experiencing an “oh God, mum please stop doing that silly cranky pants dance” moment to make you behave, right?
Great post xxx
Musing Mummy says
I was a little apprehensive beginning this post, not being one myself who likes to engage with fiery online debates about very sensitive issues. But it’s a wonderful, honest post with a terrific resolution – the cranky pants! My little one is still a little young for me to have totally lost it – though we’re definitely a smack-free household – but I’ve found as a teacher the same thing works; get a little silly and crazy at times and you transform the moment from hostile to good-natured again.
Daisy, Roo and Two says
Fantastic reaction to a contentious issue. You’ve given me some great tips and I love the idea of a Cranky Pants Comedy Routine!
ClaireyH says
I read and commented on the post and chose to ignore the bit about smacking and focus in the issue. A Mum who was seeking help, thinking their child was the only one who might behave like that, because sometimes it feels that way.
I am not a smacker. But, within reason, I don’t care if others are. The only thing I really really hate is the mums who don’t follow through. If you threaten something then just bloody do it. As soon as you don’t, the kids know you are basically full of it.
Felicity says
I won’t wade into any debate on smacking vs no but will say that I think it particularly apt that you put a selection of wooden spoons at the start of this post.
That’s my memory of discipline from childhood and I even had a giggle with my Mum recently remembering the time that she actually broke one over my arm.
x F
Donna says
I must say I am grateful I read this post today when my toddler has had me at my wits end for weeks now. Cranky Pants Dance will definitely be getting a run in this house!
Michele says
great post and strategy and could say so much but I will leave it at my main point that I find it sad that many say “well I cant/wont/dont/shouldnt smack” and leave it at that as if there are no other options/discipline strategies to consider and try out/adopt. Feral free range kids who receive no discipline as the parents dont know/cant be be bothered or whatever and then use the “well I cant smack them can I” as an excuse for lax parenting
Discipline = to teach.
Well posted Maxabella. Difficult emotive topic handled with grace
Tas says
I pull on my Cranky Pants and get, well, cranky. Not doing a Cranky Pants dance. I think I need a change. We too have resorted to smacking at our wit’s end and we too have felt nothing positive in the experience. This week I am dealing with my folks getting extraordinarily upset with me in one breath for raising my voice to their grandchildren then, in their next breath, they are telling my children (and making it a joke) about how they used to beat me with a wooden spoon. Argh!
Toni says
Well done, you, on tackling such an emotive topic and doing it so damn well!
I DO smack.
Rarely, without anger, and consistently (in that it is one smack, on the bottom, with my hand, and it isn’t very hard).
A smack is reserved for the Most Important things — like climbing up the shelves, or running out onto the road.
My kids don’t hit each other, they’re not abusive to other kids, and I don’t think the two are necessarily correlated.
I think any form of punishment can be wrong if you use it when you’ve blown your stack, apart from timeout (which I see as a sort of safety valve).
We’re also big believers in removing privileges and have made the kids pay for broken items out of their pocket money.
I love the Cranky Pants routine!! can you Vlog it?
Megan Blandford says
Is it weird that I now want to see a vlog of you in your cranky pants? 😉
Posie Patchwork says
Pretty sure i’ve smacked each of my children for good reason & an eye opener, but once they start school age – it’s been ages since you’ve had to resort to anything like it. You forget, they forget, it’s a stage of both your lives that is over.
Apparently the hair brush is the number one instrument of ‘whacking stick’ used?? I’ve only ever used an open palm on a padded bottom, not a wooden spoon or – even after brushing the hair of many little girls, one in particular was impossible to do her hair – never thought to use a hair brush to smack anyone with.
As a mother of children all over the age of 7, trust me, the smacking issue & debate is just so long ago & not in your head space, don’t worry about it!! Like so many aspects of parenting, it’s just one stage you move through & onto better things, including behaviour you can mould & guide & discipline in different ways.
Love Posie
Claire says
Fantastic thought provoking post! We went to the supermarket yesterday and saw a mum with a 5 year old and they were screaming at each other. They both looked like they were having a tantrum. My hubby asked me what I would have do in that situation if my 9 month old tries that in the future. I was stumped. I hadn’t actually thought about it. I am a primary school teacher with great behaviour management in my classroom. It works on mutual respect and understand with a carefully agreed set of expectations and sanctions. I had not given thought to how this would not be so easy with my own child when highly charged emotions are involved. I would love to read a post on your 1 2 3 approach. I am always looking for new ideas. x
nadinewrites108 says
This is a regular dilemma for me:
http://nadinewrites108.wordpress.com/2011/03/22/the-slap-my-version-without-the-affairs-brutish-thugs-and-damaged-women/
but like you, the discomfort of smacking makes me feel downright rotten. It goes against all my parenting philosophies, but my feisty little two and a half year old has a will of iron and drives me to distraction. Is it too early to do the 123? Because I’m out of ideas and it’s getting to the point where he’s lecturing us (and telling his little sister off continually).
Like you say, parenting is HARD! And as I’ve said before, going to the Olympics is a walk in the park in comparison!
Lizeylou says
This post is very timely for me as we have been having a lot of very tricky moments in our house of late. Its so hard not to scream and lose your cool – but we also do the time out thing or the take your bike for a week etc … My hubbie keeps telling me to “pick my battles” and I just have to learn to let some things go and focus on what is important. Smacking is such a huge topic … too hard to comment on really.
Miss Pink says
You put it PERFECTLY.
Smacking isn’t something that should be looked at as a working form of discipline, but i agree there is a place and a time for it. Even as a non-smacking parent there are times i look at other parents and think, “Your kid just needs a good smack”.
I have smacked Bluey once, it was within the last 12months, so at 4, and like you said i felt incredibly awful, probably more so than him, and it was just needed at this terrible age he was in. It was honestly over him lying to me too. Small to some, but i’m very into honesty, and since with a gentile reminder “Do not lie to me or i will be incredibly angry, if you did something wrong we can talk about it, but if you lie, i will not be happy to talk to you”
But then i sit on the side of if you threaten to smack, you bloody well need to follow through. If you say to your child “Don’t do that or i will smack you” or “Do you need a smack?” and they react with the wrong behaviour or ignore you, you damn well need to get up and smack them! Don’t threaten something you’re not prepared to follow through with.
But i do agree, talking, time out’s and counting, they are all the best methods long term. A smack here or there isn’t going to screw a kid up for life, either. But if you want the behaviour to stop, you need to tell your child to stop or explain to them what you need from them, and why, then explain if they keep doing something they will need to have a time out, and bloody follow through!
The rule to disciple is follow through with those threats, if you don’t you kid will pick up fast they’re empty threats and walk all over you.
deux chiens et un garcon says
Dear Maxabella
You always seem to have the right way. So balanced and full of wisdom.
Supporting parents and coming up with a plan, being consistent and learing how to diffuse yourself elsewhere is so crucial.
Unfortunately a lot of us may have been raised in stressful, angry households with fragile depleted depressed parents. This behaviour then gets repeated.
My aspiration is for no smacking. There have been times that I have been so exhausted and so exasperated by yet another dinner ending up on the floor. But as you write, yes this does pass. He now hands me the bowl when he is finished.
I only hope I can keep the energy and enthusiasm up for the next 17 or so years.
Once again thank you.
xx jill
Michelle says
I absolutely needed to read this post today! My 3yo is becoming so willful, everything is a negotiation. It drives me nuts! I have been struggling with a solution. Enter the 1,2,3 you mention. I shall give this a go, me thinks! As well as putting my cranky pants on as well now and again. Thats hilarious!!!
Diminishing Lucy says
I was smacked once, as a child. I can still recall the feeling it left me with, and it was just awful, and so, as a result, I knew I would never resort to smacking my children.
I have, however, smacked the bed, and also lost my temper and thrown a small stool across the garden and it broke. My children all recall this with horror.
I DO use the “Do you want a smacked botton?” as a “threat”. I am not sure why, as I would never carry through. I suspect my three know this too, but Lexie does a fine line in screeching “MUMMMAA, PLEASE DON”T SPANK MY BOTTOM….”! so that the whole street can hear. Little madam.
deux chiens et un garcon says
I have been thinking whilst making my bed tonight that I often agonise over a comment I have written.
I didnt mean to say that those parents that do smack are always stressed, angry, depressed and depleted. How parents discipline their child is personal and up to them. Just that as a medical person you do unfortunatly see the extreme end of this and its consequences.
But most parents really just want to do the right thing, hey.
Hope everyone gets a good night sleep tonight, all fresh for the new week.
jill x
Naomi says
Yes! Yes! – nicely put…agree with everything you’ve said (another 123 Magic fan here)
Thanks I am enjoying your blog!
Kate says
Pre-kids I was all for smacking – we were smacked as kids (many a wooden spoon was broken over my bottom!) and I don’t remember feeling any real hurt or disappointment or negative repercussion. But now I have kids I’m not as pro-smacking as I thought. I’ve smacked my toddler three times – when he’s been deliberately defiant and I’ve been over-tired/over-wrought and just plain over it on the day so incapable of thinking quickly enough to do something differently. I felt terrible each time and he looked so sad.
I think there’s a time and a place but it’s not for me. I’m not terribly creative so hadn’t come up with anything nearly as fabulous as Cranky Pants but do have enough time just to remember how much I hate the feeling when I have smacked. That’s enough to remind me to change tactic.
Love love love this post. Some real food for thought.
B says
I love the spoon picture, such a great idea!! I think this we’ll be a family craft for us this summer 🙂
As for spanking, I really enjoyed your story. I have spanked when I didn’t have a plan. Like you, it never felt right, and I have since gotten better at finding other solutions. Now that my children are old enough, I really like the idea of writing down our discipline process, making sure we all agree with it and following through. Thanks for sharing that.
I also LOVE LOVE LOVE the cranky pants!That’s amazing and I think you should video and patent it 😛 Your kids are lucky to have you and the blogging world is lucky to have you too.
Thanks again for sharing.
Corinne – Daze of My Life says
I have threatened smacking, but I’ve never done it. I watched my little brother get smacked (he’s 13 years younger than I am) and thought that it really didn’t help his behaviour, if anything it often made it worse, and that other forms of discipline are more effective.
I’ll admit there have been times where I’ve felt like smacking, but it’s been because I’m out of control, at the end of my tether and didn’t know what else to do.
I don’t care if other parents choose to smack their kids, but it’s something that I’m not comfortable with in my family situation. I personally think it can be confusing when kids get smacked for hitting, just as I see kids being yelled at for yelling. It just doesn’t make sense to me.
Despite not smacking there have been plenty of times I’ve been ashamed of things I’ve said and done in the heat of the moment. Plenty.
Samantha W says
This was a great post and stuch a long time debated issue. I am not yet a mother but I was talking about this with my mother the other day. I know when I was younger I think I saw my brother once get a smack on the bum with a wooden spoon in my opion I dont see this as abuse. I know that from then on all mum had to was say “if you dont do __ on the count of three im getting the spoon”. We would be at her complete disposal by number 2, I dont actually recall her getting to number 3 in my entire child hood. Our other threat if we were being naughty was “do you want me to tell your father when he gets home” for some reason this always struck fear in our hearts though my father is one of the most loving peaople I have ever know.
bakeoutwest says
I’m just getting to the stage where smacking seems to be an option. I have a rambunctious 13-month-old and she just runs and runs and then runs some more. It makes it hard when we are near the road. And it makes it hard that she just doesn’t really understand yet. On another note I love reading your blog and I’ve just started my own. I’m hoping I’ll be able to keep it going.
Lene says
A wonderful, brave post, well done! Such a tough issue and so many, many different views. Smacking hasn’t worked for us. Like you, I felt uncomfortable resorting to this and only have 2-3 times with my eldest child when I just couldn’t cope anymore. Years later I still beat myself up over these few incidents and I wish I had handled it better. Now the good old 1-2-3 works wonders with my rag-tag bunch and I LOVE the cranky pants idea….brilliant! Hope you don’t mind if I try it, I think it’ll work wonders on Mr 5.
Georgie says
I think having a plan and being consistent with that plan are your key points here, Maxabella. Ours is very similar to your 1,2,3 method, it appeals to their sensibilities and they understand that what they’re doing is wrong and there is an alternative.
There’ll be, and already are, some interesting comments on this one I bet. gxo
Anonymous says
This post could not have come at a better time for me. I’ve been feeling guilty, worthless, like a terrible mother, destined to make the same mistakes my parents did and then some. At various times I’ve smacked my daughter, yelled in her face, sworn at and around her, all when I’ve lost it and been at the end of my rope with her behavior and my lack of resources to cope with it. The scenes from my own childhood have been playing in my head, and the resentment I still feel towards my parents has threatened to overwhelm me every time I do something that echos their behavior. At yet, when I can step back from it all, I know this too will pass, every day I get better at finding patience, and in the meantime posts like this give me just a little more hope. I try every day to not get overwhelmed and lash out, or fall into bad habits of yelling, demanding, belittling, and mindless scolding. I’m proud to say I am making very good progress, and knowing I’m not the only one who struggles with things like this help so, so much. Thank you for the post.
Karen Wilson says
I haven’t got to discipline yet, but I’m ashamed enough of using disposable nappies and bottle feeding (even though it’s expressed milk 3/5 feeds a day).
God help me when I get to making decisions about smacking!
vanessawith3 says
Great post. I had the same moment when I saw a father hit his child and yell, “Don’t hit your sister.” Hmmm. I never considered smacking and never found myself in the situation until number two. And I admit, I smacked her once when she wouldn’t bend to get into her carseat. She was horrified and cried, I was horrified and sobbed in the front seat. Since then I have threatened to smack on one occasion and she cried “We don’t smack in our family.” Again I was reminded that it is not even fair to threaten it. I have always used time out and the 1 2 3 method. I had an 8 year gap and now have a two year old again. His latest is when I say 1…2 He quickly says “no, only say 1”. I have to laugh and say “Then be faster!”
For me, getting cranky are usually time poor related. So I try and calm down and slow down. I love your cranky pants idea and may try and adopt that one. Our ten year old (number two) is still the feisty, stubborn one that can get everyone’s blood boiling. She is also the most openly loving and responsive child.
Sannah says
Wow Maxabella, very heavy for a monday. I can really relate to your experiences. There have been many times (daily basis at times) where I fall way short of the standards I try and set for my parenting. Often when I feel like I am getting to the point of combustion is when I am trying to attain a goal that in the scheme of things completely unimportant. Eg; the other day I yelled at my two year old, she was trying to be involved in my 6 year olds homework (which he was completely disinterested in doing). Wish that I had just written in the homework book ‘sorry, this doesn’t fit in with our family this week’. Homework should be way less important than family harmony, at least in Grade 1. Thanks for sharing your experiences and your thoughts on this dividing topic.
MomAgain@40 says
Love the cranky pants idea! I also don’t do smacking, but I know that we can go all the way down to there! I believe it is when we ourselves lose control! I would rather walk away! Thanks for the post!
MummyK says
I am yet to write my entry on this smacking issue and boy the stories you should hear/read about how they did it in the good ole days back in the Philippines!
Rebekah says
It’s definitely a very interesting topic. We were smacked as kids, certainly nothing that I remember being horrible or scary but I do remember the threat of a wooden spoon.
I’ll admit that I’ve smacked my boys in the past. Not so much my eldest but my youngest is a very stubborn and very strong headed little boy so unfortunately I’ve lost my temper with him before, especially when I’ve been in pain. It’s a horrible feeling afterwards. I think I cry more than he does. I can usually discipline very well with time outs, they seem to work for us. I don’t have a dance but I have what I like to call my ‘play school’ voice which I put on to change the tune and I always get further with this. Especially if I get down on their level.
I’m definitely going to give this 1-2-3 thing a try.
Hi I'm Rhonda. says
I have smacked my son a few times, and there was 2 spankings. I felt so terrible after the 2nd spanking (which was 8 years after the first) that I vowed no more hitting.
Simoney says
My mum and dad used smacking to “discipline” us.
We even had a wooden spoon called… “The Smackula”
In principle I hate the idea of smacking, but I also hate Big Brother and the idea that honest parents trying their best but having a moment that got away on them could get hauled up before a judge as if they were the worst kind of child abuser.
I like what you said about how you smacked when you had run out of options. I think that’s the same why I have smacked on occasion. And like you, felt so wretched.
Parenting is HARD.
The hardest bit is being consistent.
I loved this post.
x
James says
I would like to join the bandwagon calling for you to vlog the Cranky Pants Dance.
Thank you for this post.
I am at my wits end with all three children right now – our lives have been turned upside down and inside out by our move. We can’t get into a routine, we have three extra people ‘interfering’ in our every day.
Things are not good. I appreciate this post – I haven’t smacked Kahlei or Jasper ever but there was a stage when Ellie got one or two. I didn’t like it, smacking was never in my parenting plan.
Now to figure out what DOES work to get my kids back under control without resorting to the ‘last resort smack’.
neesay says
I really needed to read this post when it popped into my inbox. Thanks for another insightful, normalising post. And for a little giggle at the mental image of the Cranky Pants routine. By the way – I hope you don’t have the CP’s copyrighted as I’m in breach! What a winner.
apronstringz says
ha, i love your miss cranky pants routine. good one. i also really appreciate that distance perspective that over the course of parenting, the angst at their behavior diminishes. because that’s so often what it is, some external voice telling me i should be ashamed of my kids behavior. not the fact that it really bothers ME on a crazy level, but that i feel like i’m not supposed to let my kids do ______.
hadn’t heard the 123 routine. sounds sensible. i guess i pretty much do that, without the framework. but i have learned (am still) to pick my battles, because with mine, if i choose to enforce the 3 (and i don’t like to be inconsistent) then there will be hell to pay. i’ve learned to just accept a lot of things i never thought i would accept, so that i have the strength to enforce what really needs enforcing.
great, great post by the way. i have never smacked my kids, probably only because no trusted people in my life ever recommended it. i have really wanted to, many a time.
i definitely often feel like i have no further plan, am just out of ideas, and stare at my kids with that deer-in-the-headlights look. gah.
Katrina (capturing moments) says
I am so glad I came across your blog and read this just now. I have been feeling a little ‘out of control’ lately at times when my 2.3 year old has been pushing all my buttons. I have smacked him now twice and both times felt awful afterwards and kinda silly really. I hit him because he hit his brother….doesn’t make sense.
So thank you, I love the humour you bring to the situation. What an awesome mumma you are.
xx
sandy says
Wow. The topic is over now but it certainly is one that all parents are interested in. I am 60 this year. I am of the age where younger parents dismiss my old fashioned view. I look back now with some regret at how often we smacked. In my forties I ended up doing post-grad in education and I learned there that when you smack, the child is desensitized and each smack needs to become more severe in order for it to have the desired effect. However I would suggest that that would be the case for every “punishment” one imposes, whether time out, withdrawal of privilege, shouting etc.
I just want to say that I think today’s rigid anti-smacking policies have gone too far. What do animals do? They whack their young. I know, we are more sophisticated but I do think there is a time and place when kids just need to know who is the boss and respect their elders(Yes even that will be controversial).
But I agree that it should be as occasional as one can manage. And all those parents who feel bad when they have smacked in temper, lets allow ourselves to be human, be tired, hormonal, stressed or whatever our point of weakness is. It’s not as huge as you might think (as long as you don’t beat them).
The MOST IMPORTANT thing is that, in general, you provide a secure, nurturing, positive, accepting, encouraging, stimulating environment for your little ones. They won’t remember the bad days. LOVE covers everything. Trust me. I know my kids love me and I did heaps wrong. But I LOVED them desperately and still do.