Although we’ve moved on from the torture of chronic sleep deprivation, years have passed since we last had a decent sleep around here. I understand that parenting can be tough and I was warned by everyone including the service station attendant that I could kiss a good night’s sleep goodbye when my baby came along… but surely, surely they didn’t mean forever?
Many nights I crouched by the cot like a wild, unformed animal. Tears streaming, son screaming, feeling the night flood through me like a dank pond. With every shred of strength I willed that child to sleep, the word like a droning buzz in my mind. Sleep, sleep, sleep. Oh please, just sleep.
My son is what I call a hard-core non-sleeper. For whatever reason, the kid has never liked to go to sleep and certainly has never enjoyed staying asleep. He moved from wide-awake newborn through to night-terror toddler through to separation-anxiety preschooler through to… well, I’m not sure what he is these days now that’s he’s in school. He’s just… awake.
o
o
After years of trying every technique in the book to improve his rest, there are three fundamental things that I know.
- You can’t make a child sleep if they don’t want to.
- They are not staying awake nightly just to spite you.
- You need to do whatever you need to do to get a decent night’s sleep.
If you co-sleep for years, what does it matter if everyone is getting some rest? Baby won’t sleep anywhere but in the car seat? Put them in the car seat. Won’t have a day sleep unless you walk them in the pram? Walk them in the pram. Walk them, pat them, sing to them, dummy them down, suck their thumb for them if you have to. I refuse to believe that any of these ‘crutches’ are more damaging than years of broken, unsettled sleep and years of trying, trying, trying to get them to sleep ‘properly’ and failing miserably. Ironically Maxi was my only child without a sleep crutch and god knows he bloody well needed one!
When all is said and done, it just is what it is. One day it will be what it was and I look forward to that day immensely. But until such a time, as long as my children are content and happy during the day, I have to assume that they are getting what they need at night. And one day I’ll be getting what I need too… one day.
And if you’re a soon-to-be mum and you’re reading this post and you’re absolutely terrified, know this: I love my sleep, I need my sleep and never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d be able to do what I’ve done since my first baby came along. But night after night after night after night, there I was, there I am; just doing what a mother does. Because somehow, just by being there, we guard them against the night.
Diminishing Lucy says
You stole my thoughts about my Olivia and her sleep.
I once threatened her and lovely husband that if she didn’t shut the fuck up and sleep and leave me in fucking peace for at least an hour, that I would throw her and myself off the balcony.
And Charlie and Lexie? They can sleep standing up and often do.
Go figure.
Love your work.
xxx
Aneets says
Oh my god you stole the thoughts from my brain re my ongoing saga with baby D.
He screamed for 3 hours last night. H is almost 10 months old.
It feels like it will never end even though I KNOW it does.
So tired….
Jodi @ The Scribble Den says
We are lucky to have great sleepers here, mostly although Miss 10 hates going to bed and swears she stays awake all night and can’t sleep, even though when we check she has her eyes closed. She gets quite stressed about the fact she can’t sleep but we tell her as long as she is in bed for x amount of hours it is rest and that must be all her body needs, again she is happy and healthy during the day.
I really don’t think I could have coped with a non-sleeper baby, I know I would have had to but I really don’t know how Mum’s do it. I ♥ sleep x
Mrs Woog says
Great sleepers. Fussy eaters. You get one or the other in my opinion. x
::The Beetle Shack:: says
ah sleep, you dirty tramp. So hard to tie down.
xo em
p.s i miss sleep too and i mutter f words under my breath.
joeh says
My daughter would not go to sleep unless I was next to her crib. When she fell asleep, I would wait 3 minutes then sneak out of the room. As soon as I stood up she would wake up and start to cry.
cranky Old Man
**Anne** says
Sleep deprivation is the death of everything, including sanity. Do what you have to do to get whatever rest you can.
Our two daughters (now 18 and 21) were mostly good sleepers with only the occasional nights when they were unsettled in which case we would try to settle them. If they didn’t we would usually hop into bed with them and stay all night with them if we had to. Of course we haven’t had to do that for a long time as they are “BIG” girls now.
Miss G. had a VCE French oral exam last Tuesday. Monday night she didn’t sleep well and in fact at 3.30am Tuesday morning she was wide awake prowling around in her bedroom. I went into to see if she was o.k., (she was very nervous and jittery). Guess what I did? I asked her if she would feel better if hopped into bed with her for some cuddle time. She said yes and went to sleep straight away until 7.30am. Works for big kids too.
Anne xx
Amy xxoo says
The sleep at my place is pretty good – the almost 2 yr old goes down around 7:30pm and wakes around 6am, us two adults go to bed around 10pm and wake when our son does.
However – this only after having a stay at a Tresillian sleep clinic when our son was 9 months old. Before that the boy just.did.not.sleep. I’m glad that i had the honesty to say ” i cant do this and we need to fix it ” while he was still young…
therhythmmethod says
You’ve described so well that feeling of utter desperation and wildness that comes with being awake with a screaming baby when all you need is SLEEEEEEEEEPPPP.
I’ve sworn at all of my babies in the dead of night. Luckily they were too busy screaming to hear. x
Deb @ home life simplified says
I really love this post…
I can relate a bit as i had the wide awake 2nd child (now 6yo) – only needs 10 – 10 1/2 hrs a night and would stay up all night if i let her. Thankfully she accepts bedtime for what it is (but has been waking lately. She wishes she was permanently attached to me and inherited my nightmares (hoping it does not turn into night terrors like i had)…
Like Mrs Woog – my 8yo has no problems with sleep and tortures me with her food fears and limited diet!
Brenda @ Mira Narnie says
ohhh yes, only a parent of young ones will remember and emthasise with that pain that is sleep deprevations. seriously, the FBI should use it as a method of torture. it is horrifically painful. i’m with you…pat, carry, sing, rock, pram, walk, bounce your way to get them to sleep. i also believe, somehow we get given the babies that we are able to deal with. the parents that are strong and patient, get the terrible sleepers. luckily, i only got my first born who hated to sleep…second one could sleep anywhere, anyhow!
xx
Jen R says
Well written, oh the endless challanges!! At the end of the day we just need to do what works for our families so we can all get some fn sleep
🙂
Jules says
My 15mth old angel goes to sleep without a peep (most nights) but wakes 2 or 3 times throughout the night, sometimes just going back to sleep, other times requiring me to go in & find the dummy he’s thrown out of the cot.
In the early days, during the ‘first-time mother anxiety’ fog, I used to beat myself up over him having a dummy and not sleeping through the night (my friend’s bub slept through the night from 12wks old, how could I compete with that?!). Now I don’t stress so much..as my husband always says ‘we do what works best for us’, and because the dummy works we’re sticking with it! I am grateful that although he may wake a couple of times during the night, he regularly sleeps in til after 8am – gotta love a sleep in!
Penny says
Our first son suffered from refluc, of which we were unaware for the first 8 weeks. He would sleep in the day and then be awake all night. He would wake up at 10pm and I would cry knowing that I was up all night long. I remember that feeling of dread and despair as though it were yesterday. I hope things get better for you…
Sammie says
Oh what a post! Just when I needed it.
A little 2 month old darling that loves to fight sleep… That loves to be walked and walked and walked in her pram…
As a new mum, the most important thing is to know that your not alone.
Thank you Maxabella.
Max says
If I didnt co-sleep I would be dead by now I’m sure. I developed severe insomnia because she’d wake so often, and irregularly after hours spent getting her off to sleep. At 19 months I night weaned her as she accepted her dad co-sleeping, and now I’m slowly getting the hang of how to sleep again. I’m still too shell shocked to think of another baby, even tho I’m getting a bit elderly to be waiting much longer…
Jane says
Bron, this topic is so horrid to me, I haven’t mustered the strength to blog about it yet ☺.
And Mrs Woog, I wish it worked that way in our house. We’ve lucked out with all 3 pixies, both ways! J x
Tenille @ My Family Table says
Oh Maxabella, what a beautifully, beautifully written post. I’ve only had a taste of this; I’m blessed that Lilly grew into a good sleeper within a few months. But in the beginning I was numbed with the shock of sleep deprivation. The pockets I’ve experienced since serve as a reminder that lack of sleep makes everything else harder. Everything.
purely4kids says
I thought I had it so good. Baby #1 slept thru at 6 weeks of age, baby #2 slept thru at 5 weeks of age. Both went on to go to bed without incident and sleep blissfully each night. They’d even sleep in of a morning. And then baby #3 came a long and it all went to hell. I’m actually thinking of performing some kind of exorcism as I’m sure he’s possessed once the sun goes down – how can one 19month seriously make that sort of noise at night????? I’ve now resorted to telling myself that surely by the time he’s 18 years of age he’ll be sleeping through the night – but then I suppose he’ll be out partying and I’ll still be awake as I’ll be lying awake worrying about him.
Alisa says
Whoosh all those memories back again as raw as if I were right there hoping, praying that I’d chosen to wear a quiet skirt that day, one that wouldn’t rustle too much when I moved to creep out of the room….
I’m sure you’ve already heard about them, but Tresillian are great… So great! Def worth a try if you haven’t already. My eldest has been up before the birds every morning of her life and is such a light sleeper that a trip to the toilet in the middle of the night is fraught to say the least. Hugest sympathies! Brilliant post!
x Alisa
tinsenpup says
My ten year old has always been the same. She never napped unless I held her. The second I put her down, she’d wake up. Co-sleeping was a saving grace. She still struggles. Food can trigger particularly bad insomnia. Gluten, dairy and sugar turned out to be problematic for her.
Cathy says
Oh, how I felt every stabbing word of your post! LOVED it to bits because you captured the sleep struggle perfectly! How can they not want to sleep when you would give anything to sleep?!
LionessLady says
None of my charming cherubs are good sleepers! Late to bed, early to rise and up through the night bed sharing! At least the projectile vomiting from non-stop crying stage appears to have passed!!!
ClaireyHewitt says
I wrote about sleep the other day too, and what do you know, the stats went a little crazy for the day with mums wanting tips on sleep.
We are not alone us “Mums of the Night” but thankfully (touch 78 pieces of wood) I think I am finally seeing the morning light without singing a song or patting or rocking, or …
Lib says
Oh. My. God!
Poor. Poor. You!!!
I don’t know how you (and others who are in the same wicked boat) do it??
Can’t offer anything on this front as thankfully it’s not a problem I’ve had to deal with…all three KATs were great sleepers by the time they were 3mths despite their different personalities.
Mind you, I was referred to as a “sleep nazi” by my siblings!!!
one claire day says
Oh God, it’s a killer. It really brings out the worst in you, sleep deprivation. But also with it comes amazing strength… to know that we can (sort of) function and get on with it…when we’ve had barely a wink. I guess we just do what we have to do… I have faith that rewards will follow.
Sending you sleepy vibes 🙂 x
rex says
Sleep is good in our house now, the 10 year old sleeps like a log! We co slept with him till he was 5. The 4 year old sleeps almost through, I usuall y bring her into our bed some time during the night.
I remember thinking in a desperate sleepless night, that I wish we slept in one room huts with matts on the floor all in a row snuggled together. I am sure the world would/does sleep better this way.
ally says
You’ve read my sleep disaster stories before – and you know you have my heart felt sympathies.
We’ve been doing some mindfulness and its working a bit – but its almost 7 years….
Anonymous says
Yep, been there! Great piece, as always! You put into words exactly what it’s like. No advice from me, but a suggestion of sorts – you seriously have to read the picture story book by Adam Mansbach, called “Go the f$&k to sleep”, it’s so charmingly written, and hysterically funny. Won’t help with getting little ones to bed, but will make you laugh and that’s worth a lot when you’re seriously sleep deprived! (sorry to be anonymous, but stuck overseas thanks to Qantas not flying and using hotel business centre computer!)
Flaming Nora says
Never in my pre children days did I ever imagine, not even in my wildest dreams, that I would be woken up at 5.15 am and consider that to be a lie in. Never did I think I would get to the point of 5 unbroken hours of sleep and think that is an acceptable sleep level. Nevr did I think I would be driven to screaming at the (young, childless, male) doctor and telling him to fuck off when told that the problem lay with me not being adaptable enough and not with my insomniac child. But all this and so much more is true.
alliecat says
Well given that it is 5am and I’ve been up since 3am when the 3mo woke for a feed and everyone else is asleep – I’m not sure. It’s bloody annoying not being able to sleep when everyone else is, and not being able to sleep when you want to and nobody (aka the children) will let you.
Our middle child was our worst sleeper and I’ve had nights like you describe, but no so many I imagine from what you describe. I’ve adapted to our new life, but I never counted too much on sleep after years of shiftwork. It was a good preparation for kids….. I hope you get some decent zzzz’s soon. Have you considered a night away, at a friends or your parents, just to get a full night, let someone else take the shift every now and then?
Rhi@FlourChild says
Both of ours have been HORRIBLE sleepers. I have sworn, cried, & threatened to throw them out windows. The littlest is 22 months now, and occasionally goes through the night with only one wake-up, but then he just got croup and we are back to square-one-worse-than-a-newborn-crap.
I forget what it feels like to not be tired.
I second the “Go the f@#k to sleep book” – it’s brilliant.
x
spring days, new growth says
i’m a parent at the teen stage now, where the sleeplessness comes back in a completely different ( and scarier!) guise.
your piece took me back to the bittersweet exhaustion of our first 3+ years of parenting. Certainly stopped any thought of a third little angel!
MummyDichotomy says
How lovely to read so many people also have children who don’t sleep. How many times did I want to cry when other mothers proudly announced their baby was sleeping through. My 4 yo is pretty good now although up at 6am but the 2yo makes his way to my bed every night except the odd one when I wake up with a start wondering if he’s ok!
Sleep is sleep no matter what bed everyone is in!
Aneets says
Mrs Woog I got the double of bad sleeper AND fussy eater. Lucky me!
Corinne – Daze of My Life says
I’ve had two non-sleepers, the jury is still out on number 3 but I’m hopeful.
Miss Pink says
Ugh. Isn’t this the truth!
And yes, if you’re a mother to be, don’t be scared. Being a mother will be the HARDEST thing you will EVER EVER do and your kids will find buttons to push you didn’t know you had, but they will also teach you so much about yourself and give you more than you could have ever imagined.
Sleep deprivation is part insomnia part sleepless child here.
Greenie has never been a good sleeper, and I know he would be if we co-slept, except he snores! I can’t do snoring. It keeps me awake. So I take the chance that I can have a couple of broken hours of sleep than tossing and turning all night.
We have occasionally stuck both the kids in bed together and that works too. But that’s reserved for weekends. Can’t deprive Bluey on a school night.
Jo says
Yes. Yes. Yes. Every single word…
Little man is now 6, and sleeps fabulously. But it was not always so. 3 and a half years of incredible sleep deprivation. I will never forget.
The 3 year old princess has always been a better sleeper. That said, we did have a 3 hour awake time that rapidly turned into screaming match during the night last night.
I think it’s just to make sure I remember.
supermac says
Oh wow. Such vivid description of the sleepless nights I went through as a nursing mom. Beautifully written (and powerfully scary, too!). xx
Ms Jelena says
Apparently, I was non sleeper. I slept during the day and woke up as soon as my parents wanted to eat or relax. I was such a meanie!
Kristy says
my tip – i moved both of my little ones to double mattress on the floor in their room at around age 7-8mths. (was totally over sitting next to a cot or leaning over/through bars patting, etc). the best thing we ever did. they love their rooms/bed (not ours). we would lay next to them to go to sleep and just join them and co-sleep if they woke during the night. sleep and rest for everyone! the best thing ever! (and the ergo – for baby wearing during the day).
Tired Mummy says
What a blessed relief to hear that someone else has one too. Isla was a dreadful sleeper from day one ( not surprisingly she never stopped moving in my belly either). She gave up all naps at 2, how I missed those 20 min breaks. I often feel the guilts that at 3.5yrs she sleeps in our bed most of the night. But it is the only way we survive. Thank goodness No.2 is a good sleeper. I don’t know anyone else with a child like ours…though I symphathise I can’t help thinking ‘thank god we aren’t the only ones’. Thank you
mel @ loved says
None of ours were ever the greatest sleepers, in fact the big kid barely slept at all, EVER! He does now though, 10 years on. The middle wasn’t too bad compared to the others but the littlest guy is a SHOCKER! Nothing ever works twice, & we have lived severely sleep deprived since the day he was born, but it can’t go on forever, can it??! He is getting better, and I agree, you do whatever you have to do to get sleep!
Karen says
My first born was an absolute nightmare – from birth barely slept at all, night or day. After 8 months of no day sleeps and getting up 10-15 times a night to him I ended up being checked into a hospital because I was a walking zombie and about to do myself in. Wow, my first year with him was the hardest of my life. At 4 years old he is much better now, but still not a great night sleeper – probably never will be. It took me a long time to be brave enough to have my second baby. At 2 months old I could see her heading in the same direction as my son and I was terrified. Luckily, a friend told me to check out a book and sleep/routine method that saved me. Thanks to this my daughter has become a great little sleeper. Still not perfect (but what child is?), but an absolute dream compared to my son. I never push my opinions re parenting on anyone, but if I ever hear people saying how tough they are doing it with their baby’s sleeping, I always tell them to look up Save Our Sleep, Tizzie Hall. It is not for everyone, but it certainly saved me. All the best to all the mum’s out there doing it tough. It is true when they say that is is the hardest job in the world. But oh, so worth it. 🙂
The Coffee Lady says
Not great, but that’s due to the replacement of orthotic foot splints. A full night’s sleep? I can’t remember what that is.
emma @ frog, goose and bear says
Sleep deprivation really is the worst form of torture. My kids were never fantastic sleepers. The 2 year old still ends up in our bed a few nights a week., but I’m with you, you do what you got to do to get some rest!
Lizeylou says
Sleep deprivation is the best form of contraception in town!
Teresa says
My little one has always been a great sleeper but she virtually lives on air.
I’m sure there must be a post like this one for us mothers of ‘non-eaters’.
MonetPaisley says
We went to sleep clinic 4 times with my second daughter and nothing worked, turns out she gets really achey legs and needs panadol occaisionally.
My third child is tossing and turning in the bed next to me as I write this and my 9 year old is on the other side. I give up, I get more rest if i let them do their thing than if I spend all night fighting to make them sleep in their own bed.
What we need is a double bed in another room so that the kids can all sleep in this one and hubby and I sneek out to the other…. hey thats a really good idea….
MummyK says
Oh this post made me laugh. I have to remember they are not trying to piss me off by not sleeping hehehe. Thanks for this!
Toni says
Sorry I’m late for this one because OMG do I hear you!
My last two kids would.NOT.sleep.
The boy, who has survived somehow and will soon be ten, slept MAYBE 15 mins at a time during the day. Maybe. If I held him just so and didn’t move or speak or breathe.
And at night I would get 2 hours if I was lucky, then a feed/change/hour spent trying to get him back to sleep.
The daughter continued this fine family tradition by waking up if I even THOUGHT about going near the hallway that ran past her room.
I’m not exaggerating. I don’t know how any of us lived through it.
And all those ‘helpful’ people who gave me their plentiful advice? YOU. were WORSE than useless.
Thanks for adding to an already hideous situation.
Kymmie says
Nothing like a sleep article (or lack of) to have a massive response!
I think we’ve all been there (or still are). I’m up around three times every night. Toilet stops/toilet disasters/no blankets/sudden screaming.
It all happens here.
xx