Much like the kid who wants to be an actor but trains to be a plumber, every mother needs a second job. It’s a self-esteem thing, but not as you might think.
Yes, it’s busy being a working mother. Busy, busy, busy. It requires the strategic planning power of a General and the stamina of his army, but…
But.
This could just be me, but the thing about being a working mum is that expectations are generally lower. If you’re not doing such a great job as a parent this week it’s because ‘work is just so busy’. Sympathetic nods all round. If you’re not matching up on the work front it’s because ‘there’s lots going on with the kids this week’. Sympathetic nods all round. You never really have to show up 100% to either work or parenting and nor is it expected of you.
You can do that as a SAHM or as a child-free worker as well, of course. No-one ever expects 100% of everyone all of the time. We are not machines and there are plenty of reasons why we might not be able to give our all, but…
But.
When you’re a working mother you get praised all the time for not doing a particularly sterling job. At least, I felt like I was. In fact, when I was doing a particularly sucky job at either work or parenting, that’s when I got the most praise. Working Mother Praise (WMP) is rampant.
“You’re amazing, I couldn’t do what you do,” said my co-worker when I ballsed up a project we were working on together. The Badoo was sick.
“You’re amazing, I couldn’t do what you do,” said my friend when I was an hour late to pick the kids up from her place. Couldn’t get away from work.
You’re amazing, if only I had your energy, you deserve some time to yourself, I don’t know where you find the energy, I should be taking lessons from you, you’re amazing. That there are colleagues who haven’t had a slick of good feedback in months who are slaving away day after day, giving it their all. That there are mothers mothering around the clock without a single kind word some days, slaving away day after day, giving it their all. Well now. All that WMP makes you feel guilty. Amazing, but guilty.
I miss the praise. Now I’m just another mum at the school gate and no one is telling me I’m amazing just for showing up. It’s the way it should be, but oh my, do I miss that Working Mother Praise.
When was the last time someone told you you were amazing just for showing up?
[Image from Steady Mom – Are you a professional mother?]
Mrs Woog says
My kids thank me every day for remembering to pick them up! X
Laura @ The Monster and Me says
“Every mother needs a second job” – I could not agree more. Perhaps for some this isn’t necessary but for me, I need something else, to keep being me and to use the part of my brain that doesn’t involve mothering. For the moment it’s my blog, in the future I hope it will be my own business.
My husband is wonderful with the praise. I wish I didn’t need it, but some days when I’m covered in toddler snot and feel like absolutely nothing has been achieved it reminds me that raising this little person is not nothing, but really an incredibly important job.
Sonia @ Life Love and Hiccups says
I think it is a much tougher job to be honest to stay home with the kids and be a full time mum. I have always worked, partially for my own selfish reasons, and partially because I am the one with the bigger earning capacity, but I used to go out of my brain when people used to look at my hubby as lazy when he stayed home to look after our kids when they were babies. Man did that get to me because the truth is he was working much harder than I was. You are so right, Stay at Home Parents deserve all the praise in the world and i’ll be the first to stand up and start the clapping. xx
Sonia @ Life Love and Hiccups says
Geez I write bloody essays in comments dont I! 🙂
Polly says
I don’t know, I feel like I am constantly apologising to someone for not being on my game, work, kids, husband, uni, its constant guilt on my behalf, and I work with a whole bunch of mothers so we are all in the same boat, plenty of sympathy but plenty of sucking it up too.
melissa says
Wow – I missed out on that bucket of praise. Last year when I was studying, working, parenting my husband got all the praise because he was ‘looking after the kids’.
{He WAS deserving of praise – it was a very busy year, for both of us. But he got a lot more praise for his end of the deal…}
Being a fulltime stay at home parent is hard work – especially if the working parent works long hours (or for single parents). The deserve just as much praise. Either way – I don’t know many people who sit around on their bums, we are all working hard at something a lot of the time.
Sally says
Ahh… never!
**Anne** says
Praise? What’s that?
dachlostar says
Meh, external validation… who needs it?
Kelly says
haha It’s been that long, I can’t even remember the last time!
Mum on the Run says
Ha ha ha.
So much truth!
If I’ve cleaned the home, cooked, entetained visitors, made play dough and stayed above water basically – I do tend to add a little mental “and I work, goddamn it” in there!!!
My Mum used to constantly go around giving us the “I work” speech/guilt trip – much to our annoyance and piss taking.
Now I think I may just be heading down the same road!
I do feel like I’m not quite hitting the mark at home or work some days though.
They suck.
I’m intrigued by our definitions of ourselves at the moment.
Maybe it’s because i’m months away from maternity leave again.
🙂 x
thejadeleaf says
This is what’s wrong with society. Mothering is the most important job x
Life In A Pink Fibro says
I give myself a little pat on the back every day, just for getting up on time and making the bloody school lunches. Other than that, it’s one of the reasons I love blogging. The blog community is great for praising one for just showing up. x
Rhonda says
The Hubs is very on it with the praise. And I get a lot of praise because of all the stupid uni hours I’m enrolled in and I still manage to be coherent. But I believe you are right…when I was still working everyone praised me just for being present and awake.
"Cottage By The Sea" says
When I was raising my kids, I mainly fraternized with other SAHM’s. We were a close knit group, all with large families. We praised each other and were secretly “in the know” anyhow. Now that my kids are mostly raised is the hard part. Now people say, “well, what have you been doing with your life all these years? What are you going to do with your life now?” Answer: I have been raising quality kids since 1976. 5 of my own and 5 foster kids. Answer to question #2: I think I’ll retire and do some of the million things I didn’t have time to do when I was busy raising tender little souls into compassionate human beings who are now competent adults contributing to society in many ways. Your welcome!
In Real Life says
There was that day, last fall, when my daughter said that I was a pretty good mom! It was the highlight of my year! 🙂
Kim H says
That is so spot on, Bron. I don’t think I’ve been praised for my work since I was a teacher in 1999. it sucks that we mums at home don’t get anything other than: “You’re so lucky you don’t have to work’. Yep, love those comments…love em.
lipglossmumma says
Obviously I’m hanging around the wrong circles.
Still waiting for that praise. Actually think I’d be happier with a break instead!
mel @ loved handmade says
I think I got lucky with this man I married, he often tells me I’m amazing just for showing up. On the other hand the relentless “when are you going to go back to work?” from others really puts the pressure on, and once again, devalues the job of SAHM..x
Jane says
A fab post, Bron and so intriguing to see how you’re finding the scene of scenery. As a SAHM, I don’t get any praise for just showing up unless it’s to my doctors’ appointments. They tell me I have heaps of Brownie points up my sleeve if I arrive late as I have the pixies to care for. They have hearts of gold! J x
Cherie @ 'a baby called Max' says
I think I needed to read this today 🙂
I’ve been copping a FLOGGING from my husband’s grandmother, who has made it very clear that she is not happy about my return to work.
And now, criticizes every aspect of my Mothering, or … praises Dave & my MIL rather excessively for all they do to help me pull off my working mother gig.
She’s 93, & suffers from a shocking disease O.P.D, {old person’s disease) i.e she says whatever the hell she thinks, & doesn’t give a flying (—-) what it does for anyone’s self esteem.
So …
I am looking forward to the praise to be honest!
Obviously it’ll never come from her, & I’m at peace with that 🙂
But I wAnt to hear it from every other Tom, dick & Harry. TELL ME how bloody good I am 😉
haha!
Emily says
Hubby’s great with the praise. Just last night he told me I’m doing an amazing job. It usually comes at the end of a pretty tough day, though. Something or other generally prompts the praise.
Anna @ green tea n toast says
Great perspective! I went back to work after I had my first and know exactly where you’re coming from. Now I’m on maternity leave again there is definitely less praise coming my way! x
Donna says
Martyrhood and motherhood used to go hand in hand when I was a working mum who used to spend 4 hours a day commuting to and from the office! Now, I am so uneasy that people think I’ve taken the easy option by being at home. Little do they know how much I miss being part of something big, even if my mind was always 25% distracted by the things I’d left behind on the homefront each day I was in the office.
Being Me says
Ummm… hmmmm. I’m trying to think of the answer to your question. I have no idea.
Because I “work from home” that is read as “I bludge in the hours when my daughter is in the care of some other institution/family/mother”. It’s never been taken really seriously. Until, of course, if they ask I explain a bit more about what I do and when/how I do it (and find the time for same). Best/worst question ever from my father inlaw: “And how’s your little hobby going?” That’d be my website/graphic design “hobby” that’s kept me from needing to go and seek other employment for 8 years now and keeps me so busy I could cry……
Kirsty @ Bowerbird Blue says
You do have a second job, putting together one ace blog.
I get some pretty good comments from the kids and partner, just have to remember to hone in and gobble them up!
Miss Pink says
Never.
Never ever. But then, when I worked in childcare, pre-kids, I was always told that what I was doing was an “easy” job.
Actually, I had this argument with Mr Black last night when he dared to accuse me of having done nothing all day because he wanted to argue the dishes in the rack were the one’s from the night before, when in actual fact I had put those away, washed breakfast and lunch dishes as we were done with them, put those away too, AND washed that nights dishes from dinner. He also told me that I owe him big time for my trip to Melbourne next week. The trip in which my mother is having the kids for half of the time. Yeah. I told him where to stick his opinions of me.
Family, friends, they all question, often, why I am not working and ask me “Aren’t you bored?” “What do you do all day?”
I’ve told them, with a shrug, that being the mother I feel I need to be to my children is more important than a job or having more money, and that I could never forgive myself for compromising on that, and that I will start working again once Greenie starts school, but right now I only have a couple of years left with him at home and I want to enjoy them.
I do agree, being a stay at home parent is a very demanding role, and I think part of it is the need to be this super person, super great parent, domestic goddess, super involved in extra cirricular activities, always have your door open to others children etc. It’s HARD. It’s like trying to prove something to people who will never see, and it’s a losing battle.
Hardest part is when you go and do something for yourself, like say drop down the shops to pick up a loaf of bread solo, a friend catches you out and exclaims “Where are your kids?” like you’ve left them in a gutter somewhere. THAT is hard.
Sarah Humphreys says
Haha. A great post, yes i hadn’t really thought of this but it is true – being a working sole parent does receive some lovely pats on the back from time to time. I drop the ‘sole’ in a couple of months time when Jude and I are moving in with my loving and wonderful boyfriend of one year. Aw. (Dad is still very much involved too by the way… and he gets HEEEAAAAPS of pats on the back for just showing up and being a Dad. What’s WITH that?)
I’m such a wordy lady, i love words of affirmation. I love being told i look beautiful or how special i am, it melts me like the big gooey blob of woman i am.
I think praise is something that’s more important to some people than others, but it’s always lovely.
Brenda @ Mira Narnie says
Ouch…….I’ve totally missed out big time…..when people find out I do crafty stuff and do markets (ie, my second job) they roll their eyes and say “how can you be bothered??” and then there is the other job I do…the third one…that involves working night shift and counseling people into the wee hours of the night….and the closest thing I get to praise is “oh that’s nice that your husband puts the kids to bed while you go to work”…… I think I even had to remind my own mother from time to time to stop with the critical comments and just say something nice….sad but true!!! I think that motherhood is such a selfless role anyway that my praise comes from those that mean the most….my little people xx
Kymmie says
You know, you have a lot going on in that mind of yours. I love the way it thinks.
I’ve never been able to document it quite the way you have, but it’s true. Often I wish I didn’t have to work, but then I’m glad I do. Otherwise where would I get my words of affirmation from (because I get it all the time at work – I’m not sure how you do it – all the time). If I didn’t work, I would have definitely have to do it better. MUCH better.
Is it appropriate right now to tell you that you’re amazing?
xx
Claire Chadwick @ Scissors Paper Rock says
Oh I hear you my dear! I got lots of ‘praised’ comments when I was a working Mum…fronting up to days as a school teacher after no sleep due to my sleepless toddler. People thought I rocked! I may have even thought I rocked haaa! But now that I’m a fulltime Mum, noone thinks I’m super Mum anymore! Booo!! Silly really!
THEN…on the other hand…I mentioned {to an elderly lady family friend} that I will probably return to work part time next year when Baby Number 2 turns one. And he’ll go to daycare 2 days a week…and I got her opinion about Mothers not raising their own children anymore coz they’re working! Ouch! I mean really?? A child going to 10hrs daycare in a whole week….pretty sure that’s not ‘raising’ a child on my behalf! You can’t win either way Bron 🙂
But, I’ll tell you you’re amazing for showing up!!! You go girl 🙂
xx
Karla {Ironmum Karla} says
Cant say I know what you mean, but if the only praise I get is from my girls in the way of a ‘I love you mummy’ then that is all I need to hear – x
Karla {Ironmum Karla} says
Cant say I know what you mean, but if the only praise I get is from my girls in the way of a ‘I love you mummy’ then that is all I need to hear – x
Cath says
Nah, eventually you get to the stage where it’s all condemnation… they simply don’t understand! That’s when it’s time to jump ship (or be pushed!)
Sometimes it’s worth realising that you can’t hold it all together. That the reason being a SAHM is so hard is because it’s so hard. That being a career mum is next to impossible.
Praise isn’t what’s needed. A good stiff drink and some babysitting is!
Andrea says
I’ve never been thanked for being there, but for the first time ever I couldn’t pick up my son from school because I was ill (his grandad went to collect him) and he was not impressed! I’ll take that as a thank you 🙂
ally says
I actually discussed this with some friends the other day….mums who are “just” mums never get praised. They get more and more piled on them, theyvare often expected to be free all day any day to help out and are generally exploited without thanks or respect
Rant over…
katiecrackernuts says
You’re still amazing for just showing up at the school gate. True. 🙂
Penny says
Perhaps the praise can make up for all the godawful ‘suveys’ ‘studies’ ‘research the media like to roll out on a regular basis about how the children of working mums are more likely to be fatter, skinnier, smarter, dumber, smaller, bigger, happier, miserable. Let’s celebrate all mums.
PlanningQueen says
I really enjoyed reading this post Maxabella. I remember feeling exactly the same when I resigned from work. xx