Drama queens (DQs)are both born and made. Some kids naturally have a tendency towards histrionics (hello Max), but parenting absolutely comes into it for them to grow into fully-fledged attention-seekers. DQs have a pathological neediness that is difficult to understand, let alone manage. Everything is about them and when it’s not they’ll make it about them anyway. It’s exhausting.
If you’re ever in the middle of your own ongoing crisis and a weeping friend phones to talk about their Very Bad Day, you will know you are dealing with a DQ. If you’ve ever accidentally offended someone who just won’t let it go, you will know you are dealing with a DQ. The ‘good Samaritan’ who takes on every cause even if it’s got nothing to do with them. The friend who is utterly incensed on your behalf when you are perfectly fine thank you anyway.
This is a touchy one, mainly because any attention you give the situation will be lapped up like sugar-coated free shoes by the DQ herself. Tread carefully, though, and you just might be able to bring this one under control.
1. Ignore the behaviour, not the person
There is no way on their god’s green earth the DQ will let you completely ignore her, but you can certainly try to ignore her behaviour. Allowing her to wail against your shoulder is bad, a gentle hand-hold with a reassuring “calm down and let’s talk about this” is good. Try not to be put-off by her over-the-top reactions because while her emotions are large, her self-esteem is not. Most DQs are just trying to reassure themselves that somebody cares about them.
2. Encourage calmness
If you’re a parent you’ll be well-versed in the adage of “reward the good, ignore the bad”. Don’t give a DQ attention when he is acting out, but save it for when he is reacting normally to a situation. So, friend misinterprets another friend’s intentions and over-reacts by loudly bad-mouthing friend = listen impassively, say absolutely nothing. Not reacting to a word a DQ says is the best way to turn him around and calm him down. DQ then says, “but I really shouldn’t be so nasty to X” = reward with huge amounts of agreement and chocolate.
3. Don’t be the audience
You don’t need to bear witness to a DQs shannannygoating. Why stay if she is making you uncomfortable? Despite what a DQ thinks, you need to look after yourself first, her second. Learn to politely say, “I think you need some time to yourself” and simply walk away. It might feel a bit rude, but remember that a DQ can’t really be a DQ without an audience. Don’t be the audience.
4. Show her you care
If this seems a direct contradiction to point 3, it sort of is and sort of isn’t. You can walk away mid-show, but remember to phone later and make sure your DQ is okay. Let her know you care about her, especially when she isn’t acting out. Remember that most of the time a DQ carries on because she wants reassurance that she matters. So, show her she matters to you but do it on your terms, not hers.
5. Enjoy the show
As long as your DQ isn’t making you feel uncomfortable by hurting others or showing off, it’s okay to sit back and enjoy the show. A little enabling probably does you both the world of good. Let’s face it, the DQ thrives on the rush of adrenalin a little drama creates and we all like a bit of that from time to time. So, every now and then, feel free to let her off the leash.
Do you have a DQ in your life? Are you a little DQ-esque yourself?
[Image and softies by the marvellous Suse from Revoluzzza.]
Josefa @always Josefa says
Oh Bron I have a DQ in my life, her name is The Bride! “Shannannygoating” is my new favourite word 🙂
Maxabella says
Shanannygoating is easily my favourite. I’m sorry about the ‘adult’ site, Josefa. I will have to find out what happened there as, oh no, you are NOT THE FIRST to mention it. Disaster! x
Jodi Gibson (JF Gibson Writer) says
As a child I was so the drama queen, thankfully I’ve grown out of it. Unfortunately I passed it on to Miss 8!
Maxabella says
I can’t even imagine you as a DQ, Jodi. You are so calm and thoughtful! There is definitely hope for Miss 8. x
Annaleis says
I have one of these ‘friends’. We can go weeks talking about nothing that about me and then boom she will realise and give you her full attention. She does mean well, but you have to remember to not take her problems on as your own. Great list – I like the last one, sometimes the show is worth watching.
Maxabella says
I confess I quite like the show… x
Penny says
I can handle DQs now! I haven’t been very good at it in the past but your tips can only make it better. I’ll enjoy watching the show too. I might just have to press mute occasionally. :p
Maxabella says
A mute button would be so handy, Penny! x
Helen K says
Maybe we all have a bit of DQ in us? I have someone close to me who we nickname ‘the trumper’ because she cannot resist sharing an equivalent or worse story of woe when we have been sick, or if something has gone wrong (ie. she ‘trumps’ us – sometimes it feels as though she only rings up when we have been sick so she can do this). But it’s worth though looking behind it – in her case, I do think it is a (very misguided) attempt at empathy (unfortunately she is a bit sensitive to criticism too, so we also can’t broach the subject – and when it involves family, we can’t really avoid her). In most other ways though she is lovely, so this DQ element can be tolerated – just.
And now that I recognise it in her, I have started to notice that I have a tendency to do this too – it’s not helpful to others I am friends with, so thanks for the reminder!
Maxabella says
“The trumper” – ha! I have one of those in my life too, Helen. I can never win – she is far more miserable than I, no matter what happens or why. Actually, I think my trumped is welcomed to it!! x
Helen K says
Yes – good way to think about it! x
Hugzilla says
I actually don’t tend to attract many drama queens. I think it’s because I am pragmatist first and foremost and big emotional scenes just aren’t my style. I’m not a stresser or a wallower, I prefer to stay calm and act if I have a problem. I’m sympathetic to people’s feelings, but my approach tends to be: Let’s put emotion aside for now. What can we do to fix this? What can we do to make things better? I think drama queens don’t always want a solution and perhaps prefer the spectacle? I don’t know. Whatever it is, I don’t really have them in my life. Sounds like I’m missing out. LOL.
Maxabella says
Yep, I reckon you nip them in the bud by refusing to be their audience. Perfect. x
Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me says
Gosh Bron I do know A LOT of DQ’s and I’m not a fan of all the hype and drama. Someone very close to me is a drama queen, it’s like she thrives on stress, it keeps her going. I just try to tell her it’s not a big deal but that seems to make it worse! x
Maxabella says
I can’t even imagine thriving on stress – the very thought makes me feel sick with worry! To each their own, I guess, as long as the DQs aren’t stressing me out in turn. x
Renee Wilson says
Fortunately, my children haven’t displayed any DQ tendencies as yet. I’ve been known to be a little dramatic at times, but I never shanannygoat on the level you’re talking about. I’ve had to cut loose a couple of DQ friends in the past and life is a lot easier because of it!
Maxabella says
They can certainly be hard work, Renee. I find it easier to only see my DQ buddies occasionally! x
Lisa@RandomActsOfZen says
As a littlie, I had a touch of the DQs, and think I may have passed the gene to Bell. Ever since she was a toddler, her nickname has been Dramatica.
Back in my share-house days, I had the pleasure of sharing with a couple of different DQs, and man they’re draining!
I think shannannygoating will be making a regular appearance in my vocab, thanks Bron x
Maxabella says
Draining is the word – but I do recall that the DQs of my younger years were also loads and loads of fun. I think I outgrew them, though. x
Lila says
I know I can be a DQ if my anxiety isn’t under control, there’s something about it that sets all my senses on edge and makes me a little DQ inclined.
Maxabella says
I think anxiety and shennanygoating go hand in hand, Lila. It’s hard to think of others when you are under so much internal pressure. x
SawHole says
I tried these all on an adult recently, too.
Maxabella says
Did it work?
Mandy, Barbie Bieber and Beyond says
With 4 girls I live in house full of Drama Queens……it’s so tiring!!! Just want to say Bron that I loved your e-blogging masterclass with Kidspot, lot’s of useful tips which I plan to implement more of, thanks so much!
Maxabella says
Four girls – there’s no way you could get away without a DQ moment or two!!
I’m glad someone watched my masterclass – thank you Mandy! x
Eliza says
I would also add another thing – drop the guilt. The guilt gets me. The “I should be helping this person. What she is going through is much worse than anything I’ve got going on.” My mother has been a serial “helper outer” and as a consequence her entire friendship circle is made up of DQs and not the people she actually connects with. This has made me determined to deal with DQs as you have above. And drop the guilt.
As a bit of a DQ myself, I try to remind myself both that everyone is battling something big (to them) AND if I envy someone for something, that there may well be something they envy me about. Sounds arrogant but helps me stop feeling bad about it.
Maxabella says
Oh gosh, so true, Eliza! Not arrogant at all, just a really balanced, healthy attitude.
And the guilt – yes, it’s got to go. Guilt can get stuffed from all areas of life, actually. Unless it’s actually warranted, of course (but 99/100 it is not!). x
Winnie @ Bubfriendly says
Oh what an aptly written post – thanks so much! Great timing especially given that I had an always DQ annoyed the hell out of me recently. Even when you’re having a bad day, these DQ only thinks about themselves and talks about themselves! I need to ignore this behaviour more!
Maxabella says
Definitely… do not reward with attention! I’m sorry you’re going through it, to be honest. DQs are great fun but lots and lots of hard work. I love their passion, but I don’t like their angst. x
Simone @Greatfun4kids says
This is pure gold, Bron. I love everything about thus post xx
Maxabella says
You even writing in Kiwi now, Simoney? Heh, heh… x
Sonia Life Love Hiccups says
Enjoy the show! Oh that made me cack. I so love a little DQ watching from time to time. It makes me realise how boring I am and how much I enjoy other peoples dramas rather than my own 😉 xx
Maxabella says
Other people’s dramas are so much more fun than our own dramas… x
Kate @ From Katie to Kate says
Oh, my eight year old puts on a spectacular show! The ‘huff’, the dropped shoulders, plonking herself on the ground. The tears! Oh the tears! Just … spectacular!
Maxabella says
They are marvellous little creatures, aren’t they? Kids are pure passion with none of the social restraints we have to operate under. Lucky buggers. x
EssentiallyJess says
Yes I have a couple! And without realising it, I think I was actually following some of your advice, so that’s good to know!
Maxabella says
I think it’s pretty basic stuff 🙂 Thanks for popping over, Jess. x