I put a little Facebook message up this afternoon that seems to have resonated with so many of us. It began, “I’m so unsettled lately…”
“Unsettled” is a word that encompasses so much, doesn’t it? Stress, anxiety, uncertainty, bewilderment, melancholy, worry – for me it is all these things and something else. That feeling of somehow being untethered from the world around me, untethered even from myself.
Whenever I am in this frame of mind, all I can think about is how difficult it is for any of us to ever get out of it. Not because things are ever insurmountable – all things are knowable, of course – but rather because modern life just seems set up to be uncertain. This time of year – this November business we find ourselves living each and every year – it seems to bring so many of us undone.
What makes me feel unsettled?
Change, which is tough. Steady ground is hard to find in our modern world. Things shift and move around us seemingly on a whim and nothing is secure. The not-knowing is endlessly worrying. Though I do try so hard to live in the ‘now’ and not the ‘next’, sometimes what happens next is all I can think about.
Feeling socially disconnected. This time of year is notorious for this. While some are talking about the endless parties they are obligated to attend, the rest of us are waiting patiently for an invitation somewhere, anywhere but here. I long for transparency with friendships, for a solidness that is rarely found but so precious when it’s there.
Forgetting to be grateful. Whenever I start seeking out the new and forget about the now, I know I’m in trouble. I start to think that I’m not enough, I don’t have enough, I’ll never have and be enough. A seeker who never finds.
Dreaming unrealistic dreams. I’m a grounded person and an impatient one. I need to dream, but dream small enough so I can make them come true in a useful time frame. Who knew you could be so structured with dreams – but you can! This is just the way I am and when the dreams start getting too big, I become restless with the aching need of something that is too far away to even see clearly. I need to see my dreams, touch them even.
So all this leads me to digging my way out. When life is unsettling, how can we resettle?
What is steadying for me?
Connecting with nature. Pausing outside to breathe in something green. It knocks the ugly out of the urban.
Nurturing what’s important. My family, that’s it. All else is icing.
Re-evaluating my values. As my friend Helen says, working out what MY values are, not the values that are worthy that I think I should adopt. When I am peeled back to my core, what do I look like? What do I choose to do? What motivates me? What pleases me? What do I avoid? What do I seek?
Recasting my goals and plans. Ensuring that they are realistic, meaningful dreams that will bring me lasting contentment, not just fleeting satisfaction.
Embracing the mundane for a while. I’ve written about my neglect of the mundane before. There is no point simply enduring the everyday minutiae, to really live well we need to find ways to embrace it.
Choosing disconnection. Rather than suffering through loneliness, paranoia or feeling left out and not good enough, I choose to drop out for a while. It’s a fine way to feel like I’m in charge of what other’s think of me – almost. When I disconnect, I spend more time with myself, figuring things out and deciding what I’d like to do, rather than what I think I should be doing. Disconnection always leads me back to self-respect and balanced relationships.
So that’s me, unsettled and wondering, but ambling along, regardless. I truly believe that my defense against everything the world has ever thrown at me has been optimism. Tough, unbeatable, hopeful, brave old optimism. Things will change, they always do and until they do we simply must endure. We must feel the wind leave us daily and persist in taking deep, deep breaths to puff ourselves up once more.
How are you doing lately?
Emily says
I didn’t see that update, but YES. Feeling so unsettled. It often happens this time of year – no holidays for ages and then BANG, hubby home for almost an entire week and the kids get all confused and life gets crazy and Christmas and work drying up but knowing it’ll pick up in the Budget/EOFY lead-up early next year and the child care/back to professional work/kinder/AAARGH conundrum about next year and SO MUCH MORE… Yep, unsettled is the perfect word. Great post.
Although I’m the opposite of feeling socially disconnected. It’s TOO MUCH social interaction with the “We MUST catch up before Christmas DARLING” catch-ups every second night. Unsettled and overwhelmed.
Maxabella says
Oversettled and underwhelmed. It’s the ‘must catch up!’ business at this time of the year that makes me retreat, retreat! Such a lot on, Em with so little headspace for it. x
Raychael aka Mystery Case says
It took me a long time to realise that I need hibernation mode for my online existence as much as I need the down time in my real world, especially at this time of year when there are so many events and extra outings with all the networking and interactions that don’t come naturally to me.
I’ve been having a few social media free weekends and just recently a complete week social media free. I was amazed at how productive I ended up being and thankfully I haven’t really fallen back into the social media time wasting and exhausting swing of things since the break.
Maxabella says
I goodly reminder to step back, Raych. I generally have internet-free weekends, but I’ll definitely be taking a week off soonest. x
Mother Down Under says
I actually feel strangely settled.
I think because there are currently so many unknowns swirling about I have simply had to surrender.
Besides having this baby, I have no real immediate plans or goals.
And there is nothing like nesting to make you embrace and appreciate the mundane…my floors have never been cleaner!
So maybe add get knocked up to your list of ways to combat feeling unsettled? Ha ha!
Maxabella says
hahaha! I should! Because I remember that calm feeling so well, Caitlin. When a baby is on the way, everything else is just completely woven up in that. They bring a solidity that is very comforting. Not long now!!! x
Kate says
Oh my goodness I LOVE this!!
I’ve felt pretty unsettled all this week but it hasn’t occurred to me to write the lists.
I know what makes me feel wrong. I know what makes me feel better.
Now I need to get on with it.
You are too clever.
Thank you!
xx
Maxabella says
Everything can be solved with a list. Or at least by writing it down. I honestly feel so much better after writing this post. x
Roja says
Gosh! You echo me! Everything can be solved with a list! 😀
Helen K says
Thanks for the mention, Bron! And agree with what you’ve written too. I’m trying to recast it in my mind as a call to action – being unsettled means that I have to deal with things that have been not quite right but I might just have let slide otherwise. Hoping that taking action will mean I’ll feel much clearer and steadier as a result – and hopefully the same for you and all the other unsettled ones too x
Maxabella says
Sometimes no action, but rather just allowing the feeling to be there is the best course of action, other times we need to DO SOMETHING to work through it. It’s hard to know which is right, but I guess we feel our way and stop and start and eventually we know what to do. x
Corinne says
It’s funny I start to feel unsettled when life is settled. Maybe that’s why I suit the expat life. Never knowing how long you’ll be somewhere or where you’ll be this time next year.
A fellow expat friend said to me last night: “People keep telling me that buying a house, changing jobs and moving cities are some of the most stressful times of your life. I reckon they’re the best times of your life. It’s so great jumping all the little hurdles and solving all the little problems.” I think we must be a bunch of loons!
Maxabella says
I do think that part of my restlessness is feeling so ‘settled’ where we are. Trapped by contentment in a way. x
Sonia Life Love Hiccups says
Yep… I know exactly what you mean. I have an invitation for you hun… I will text it now 😉 xx
Maxabella says
Ha! This made me laugh, Son. xxx
Jodi Gibson (JF Gibson Writer) says
I saw that post on Facebook this morning. Usually my answer at this time would be a resounding Yes! Me too! But this year I feel different. I am going with the flow and taking it day by day. Yes, I’m a little stressed with a full schedule for the month (mostly self inflicted!) but I wouldn’t say I’m unsettled. I’m trying hard to steal moments for myself and just breathe, go for a walk/run or read a book. That brings me back to me.
I’d like to think it’s the inner reflection and change I’ve undertaken this year that has settled me. Finding purpose and simplicity in life is very grounding. So apart from being a little stressed a little impatient (about the exciting year ahead) I’m actually doing okay. 🙂 x
Maxabella says
I am do glad to hear that, Jodi. I like your softly, softly approach very much. x
Julie @ Off to the park says
I understand that feeling Bron, I have been feeling tired lately not just physical exhaustion but mentally. Tired of being the one providing all the moral support for my Mum – I love her dearly but its exhausting, tired of being treated like crap by friends who are “hot & cold” with me, tired of feeling like I dont fit in with any groups (as a naturally shy introvert its been hard for me to find people I connect with). What steadys me is my Hubby – he is my BF, my two girls who bring out the fun in me, my Mum and relatives, a good coffee and lots of wine! xx
Maxabella says
It’s hard work being the support for someone going through a tough time, Julie. Exhausting is the word. And you have no idea how tired I am too of people who are hot and cold and not really feeling like I fit in anywhere. That’s EXHAUSTING trying to figure out.
I think the wheels fall off for me when there is more than one flat tyre. One I can deal with, more than one wrecks me. Somehow it all seems to go a bit wrong in November each year – perhaps it’s that sense of crawling towards the end of the year. x
Lila says
I find a lack of change / progress really unsettling! I need things to keep moving and hold my interest. But to help with that I have been playing with projects and making plans for the new year. Still feel unsettled but less so.
Maxabella says
I am definitely lacking a good, solid plan for what comes next, Lila. Thanks for the reminder. x
Holly says
Re evaluating your values is a good one. Giving myself a purpose always helps me feel better x
Maxabella says
Purpose is key. I just noticed that you’re having a major amble around my blog today, Holly. THANK YOU for reading!! x
Lisa@RandomActsOfZen says
I’m tackling a stack of things at the moment, and it’s actually making me feel quite calm! Doesn’t sound right, but I think maybe because I have the lists all sorted and I’m working off them.
When I think of what I need to do before Christmas, it makes me a bit wobbly, but it’s all good stuff xx