We humans are a funny bunch, aren’t we? Many of us say we crave ‘different’ and that we hate ‘routine’ and that we thrive on ‘change’, yet most of us live very vanilla lives indeed.
It is a rare person who has the courage to risk the known in order to live the life that deep-down they feel they want to live. Most of us struggle to even form an opinion that is different to those held by our circle of friends. Not that we are in a bind about that – we tend to hang out with people who are just like us anyway, remaining neither challenged nor confronted in our everyday life.
A friend (I’ll call her Ethel) was telling me this morning that a woman she considered a close friend no longer speaks to her. Apparently Ethel’s parenting style wasn’t ‘supported by the parenting beliefs’ held by our mutual friend (I’ll call her Pearl), so Pearl chose to not associate with Ethel at all. This struck me as both sad and expected; so many people close down when their beliefs aren’t shared by other people in their life. A variance in parenting styles is all it takes to pull a friendship apart.
“What did you do?” I asked Ethel, knowing that she has a strict, disciplinarian approach to parenting while Pearl is an attachment parent to the core. I fully expected Ethel to own up to disciplining Pearl’s child using her own punishment style (which includes a light smack from time to time) or something equally intrusive.
“I asked her child to apologise to my child for repeatedly hitting him,” Ethel said. “And Pearl said ‘we don’t ask our children to apologise, Ethel, we wait for them to be ready to say they are sorry in their own time’ and I said, ‘okay, so do you think your child could tell my child when they might be ready to say they are sorry or is my child expected to wait?’ and that was that.”
Can we co-exist with people whose values differ from our own?
You’ll no doubt have heard a story like Ethel and Pearl’s over the years, indeed you might have been involved in a similar situation. Moments like this one are happening right now all over the world. If you have a strong parenting philosophy it’s natural that you will try to honour your parenting values in every interaction with your child. When you come up against a different way of parenting it can feel intrusive and offensive and your number one objective is to protect your child from being influenced in a negative way.
I get that, I understand. But I don’t agree.
The influence that Ethel had in Pearl’s kids’ lives is invaluable, but Pearl refused to see beyond the challenge to her parenting beliefs. She whisked her kids away at the slightest hint of diversity and refused to engage them any further. She blocks Ethel from the social calendar, she meets with the school to swap her child out of a certain teacher’s class, she won’t let her in-laws babysit their own grandchild, she encourages her child to play with certain children and not others. In her eyes she is ‘rescuing’ her child, but in reality she is depriving them of an opportunity to learn that not everyone does things the same way we do and that’s okay.
“It takes a village to raise a child…”
In recent years there has been much discussion that the “village” that has traditionally helped to raise our children has dwindled due to societal and geographical factors, but I would suggest that personal factors dismiss the village faster than anything else. Our generation has the mentality that children need to be raised “correctly” and we research what we believe that correct way is and then we engineer the variables surrounding our kids in order to allow that correctness to foster. We join the “right” groups, we live in the “right” area and we do the “right” things to grow the “right” kids.
Naturally, knowing the “right way” to parent means that we buy into the notion that all other parenting styles are the “wrong way” to parent. We are horrified by differences that challenge the correct way of doing things and assume that any other way is a fast-track to raising the next generation of hooligans or the homeless. This is despite the fact that we genuinely like the person who is parenting the “wrong” way and despite the fact that intellectually we know that there are many, many ways to raise a good and honest citizen. Doesn’t matter. Instead, we whisper to our fellow-correct parents about the Ethel’s of the world and we stop inviting Ethel’s kids over for a play. We stop inviting Ethel over for a play too.
What does a vanilla life do to our kids?
Once we’ve established the correct vanilla lifestyle for our children and have effectively barred intrusion by anyone with a contrary opinion to that lifestyle, we set about raising our kids to… do what exactly? Exist in a bubble? This has always been the part that I can’t figure out, because life is not about being “correct”. When it all boils down to it, life is often about dealing with all kinds of wrong and I do worry that Pearl’s kids are not going to be equipped to deal with any of it. Mind you, because Pearl refuses to allow the Ethel’s of the world access to the way she parents or even to her children, Ethel’s kids aren’t going to be exposed to the diversity of opinion that they need to learn and develop either. When we don’t collaborate, communicate and agree to disagree about the way we raise our children, it’s our kids that miss out in the end.
So, yes, it “takes a village to raise a child”, but that’s not just referring to the support and time that we can give to each other. What I think that saying actually means is that it takes a wide diversity of people to influence a child to develop their full potential. It takes exposure to a whole village to show a child that tolerance, acceptance and collaboration are far more important that being right. Exposing our children to differences – in opinion, lifestyle, culture, physicality, sexuality, values, beliefs and choices – is one of the best things we can do to raise them to be the best they possibly can be.
We need to show our kids that there are lots of ways of achieving the same outcome and therefore lots of parenting styles that may outwardly seem to be polar opposites of each other, but are actually working towards the exact same thing. It’s not how you raise your kids that matters, it’s what kind of kids you raise: good people who do good things.
What’s your parenting ‘style’ and how open are you to a different approach?
As an ex-teacher I used to think about this a lot. So many little people, brought up in so many different ways. The irony wasn’t lost on me that we were teaching 5 year olds that we’re all special but we’re all different, and yet most of their parents, hadn’t grasped that concept. I think you hit the nail on the head, it’s not how you raise your kids that matters, it’s what kind of kids you raise. If you’re raising a good person, whatever you’re doing, keep doing it!
There is definitely a tendency for parents to preach one way but live entirely another. I query this from two perspectives: 1) how do we really expect our children to learn if we are not modelling the behaviour we are encouraging and 2) is the behaviour we are encouraging actually realistic? Food for thought!
x
What a great read. Very thought provoking. I agree with you. I think back to my own childhood and so many parents of my friends did it SO differently to my own. If they had all snubbed each other the moment there was a disagreement or a person was met who was from a different walk of life, I would have missed out on SO MUCH. I had friends from different religions, ethnicities (although at times diversity in this area could be thin on the ground in my home town), socio economic backgrounds, the works. My parents were amazing role models for promoting diversity in society as well as in friendships and parenting styles. I go back to this thought when I feel at odds with another friend’s parenting style. I remember to live and let live. That my child will be exposed to so many different ways that people do things and that’s OK. As long as I keep doing my best, with the techniques that feel right for our family, then that’s what will matter at the end of the day. I was exposed to goodness knows what growing up and I am just fine. Kids have their own brains, their own way of processing what’s happening and their own filter/frame through which they view the world. With any luck, it will reflect the values we’ve tried to teach them. What else can you really do? You can’t control everything. You’re asking for trouble.
Of course there are certain deal breakers (the extreme stuff) that you have to draw a line at, but so would most of society anyway.
We’re awfully precious these days, aren’t we?
I feel kezactly the same way (!), Kez. We are very precious and every now and then I feel myself slipping down the rabbit hole and have to pull myself back up by the bootstraps!! x
My husband is one of 7, and all his brothers have married very different women and parent their children differently and yet… all of our nieces and nephews are genuinely decent, wonderful people, this has taught me a lot, taught me to be accepting of differing parenting approaches. Tolerance is an area we always need to challenge ourselves in.
But I was thinking about this recently and about tolerance, as I was challenged. I like to think I’m pretty open to ‘we’re all different’ and yet… I caught up with a casual friend this week who though lives locally I haven’t seen for 3 years, she has isolated herself more and more from well her previous friendship circle. Friend has become very Mennonite (like Amish) in beliefs and more noticeably in dress. So when her 4 little girls and 1 son turn up in complete Mennonite clothing, petticoats, plain dresses and head scarfs, very very noticeable in our country town I have to ask myself, “How tolerant am I really” I’ll be really open here (at the risk of being flamed by readers) I struggle to be “everyone’s different”, I’m asking myself some hard questions.
Back to Ethel and Pearl, I have found that differences in parenting can be respected easier in the younger years with discussion and an agreement to respect the differences but.. the older our children become, certainly by the teen years if there are diverse differences or rather differences in major areas friendships do tend to part, not always dramatically, but they do tend to drift apart.
It’s hard when we are dealing with extremes, but I sometimes think that the true meaning of life is found in making an effort to understand the tiny ends of the bell curve, both ends! x
Such a good post Bron.
I don’t think I have been parenting long enough to have a style…other than simply figuring it out as I go!
My goal is to raise kids who are tolerant, kind, and hopefully curious about the world around them.
I actually have been thinking a lot about kindness and how you raise kids who are kind to others and to themselves. There are probably a million ways to exhibit kindness and like you said it is probably best that our children are exposed to to as many examples of kindness as possible.
I haven’t been confronted with a major parenting difference yet…hopefully I will remember this post!
I haven’t been confronted myself, Caitlin, but then I suspect that both you and I are not the type to be moved by difference and therefore may never actually feel ‘confronted’. I definitely have close friends who parent very differently to me, but I’m careful to let them know that this is what I do or don’t do and make sure that they are okay to have to kids pitch in with that. I trust that the people I like to treat my children with respect and care. x
Thought provoking post. A policeman criticised my parenting skills. His son went to prison on drugs charges, mine is a lawyer. Everyone should be careful who they criticise.
The cheek! x
It will be interesting to see if Ethel and Pearl resolve their issues too – I’ve seen quite a few family relationships break down because of different parenting beliefs or different values, and then see to my surprise that they seem to have been patched up (whether because the kids don’t take any notice, if they have forgotten the reasons for their disagreements, or if reality has impacted and one or other has changed their view. I hope so.
As for us, mostly we have not had major difficulties with others due to parenting – maybe my family, friends and school groups are fairly consistent? We generally ‘talk’ the same in terms of behaviour expectations, and so on (the realities might play out differently). One area though that I have been nervous about relates to religion and the impact of our beliefs. While I am quite upfront about what I believe, I think I change the way I act, and the kids do too, so we don’t make others feel uncomfortable. This does diminish Christmas, for instance, a bit (too much focus on presents, not enough on Jesus), living styles and what we are working towards. I think I tend too much to not rocking the boat. Thanks for giving me something to think about x
I’m all for rocking the boat, Helen. It helps us learn how to balance! Plus it’s kinda fun… x
This line: “Our generation has the mentality that children need to be raised “correctly” and we research what we believe that correct way is and then we engineer the variables surrounding our kids in order to allow that correctness to foster.” WOW. All of it, really, but this is the crux of the argument for me. We can be right in our little insular worlds. But what good is being right here and now when things change? When our children are going to grow up and make their own decisions?
That example you gave is terrible. But yes, I’ve seen versions of it. Gah, so many thoughts swirling around my head. Thank you so much for the thought-provoking read. I’m sure I’ll be back to re-read this. More than once.
I think it’s only terrible because one of the parent’s made a stand. I have sat through many a wine o’clock where mums rip into mums that aren’t there because of some parenting choice they made that was deemed laughable. And these are NOT nasty mums! x
Pearl does sound a little extreme. I wonder if there’s more to it. I have a friend who has a very different parenting style to me. We drifted apart for quite some time and have only come back together and are working on our friendship again now. We drifted for many reasons, but part of it was that we didn’t agree with each other’s parenting styles. I think she thought I was too much of a nervous nelly and I didn’t like the way she and her husband freely dropped the f bomb and c bomb in front of their toddler. (This is just an example, there is more to it than that) We’ve decided to put our differences behind us. Now, when she comes over and talks like this I try to let it go. She does bring so much else to my children’s upbringing. She is kind and crazy and fun. Very crazy. Anyway, really interesting post. It has got me thinking.
She has quite literally demonstrated my point that others bring so much, er, “colour” into our children’ lives (and language!?!). Thanks for sharing, Renee. x
I try to never judge the way any one else parents, everyone does what works for them, what they believe in and who am I to get in the way of that. But don’t preach your way to me, let me do it my way too. I won’t protect my children from different ways of doing things. But if I strongly disagree with something, I will discuss it with my kids, later on, at home, not in front of the other person.
I’m the same, Malinda. I definitely don’t agree with everything my kids are exposed to so I make sure we talk through any differences. I like the fact that we get the opportunity to talk in quite a philosophical way when we are having these discussions. They have learned a great deal. x
This is so thought-provoking B. When I think of all the people I am friends with – we all have the same values, but we all parent quite differently. And I look at those differences with such interest because at the end of the day, we all have great kids!
Ultimately, I think it’s the values that are key to remaining friends – but not being completely homogenous.
I have no idea if what I said there even makes sense! #longday
It totally does. I actually don’t mind hanging out with people who have different values to me. I just make sure my kids are solid on what we think and how we do things. x
Ooooh, this is a huge issue for me. Something that bugs me nearly every day….
I’ve all but stopped speaking to a previously very close friend because of our differing parenting styles. Her baby is 9 months younger than mine, and when she had her baby I was really looking forward to being able to speak to her and give her advice and commiserate about how hard it is to begin with. But as soon as the baby was born, she put up this wall and put on this “perfect mum” act that has made it impossible to speak to her like a normal person. It’s like every conversation revolves around how perfect her life is and how many muffins she made this morning and how brilliantly she’s handling everything. And any time I pipe up with a bit of advice or information, it’s like she goes out of her way to do the opposite of what I did with my child and then tells me how much better her way is. Like it’s one big competition.
Basically, I feel like she wants to prove she’s a better mum than me for some reason. It makes me feel judged and useless and furious because I never wanted to compete, I just wanted to be normal. Like we always were…
I’m totally ok with different approaches – unless the different approach is used to make you feel like your approach is wrong/ inferior. When someone goes out of their way to make you feel like you are less than them, it’s impossible to maintain the friendship. Sometimes women change when they have kids. For some reason, women use motherhood as a measure of success and superiority, rather than something that could bond and unite us.
Ick, competitive parenting is a whole new ball game, Lauren. I can’t cope with it at all. Mind you, when I encounter a mum who is doing it all so ‘perfectly’ and is only too happy to broadcast this fact and judge other mums for being lesser, I actually consider it a cry for help!! x
Such an interesting post, Bron.
We have 3 boys with such different personalities, I hope I have an open mind to parenting styles and my friends range from strict to mainstream to attachment parenting style as well. We talk with our kids how different families have different rules and I have learnt so much from Carly Findlay in regards to children, disability and diversity.
I think Pearl and Ethel might have more going on than they like to admit. If one person parents according to rules first, while the other focuses on the child’s emotional state first, there is always going to be clashes. Even though, like you said we all could learn a few things from each other.
Also, I have a feeling that a child’s behaviour & “good parenting” has more to do with a child’s personality than anyone wants to admit.
Ha! Yes personality is definitely a player! I have 4 kids under 7 and they range from the ‘head prefect’ to a right little devil. All have the same genetic make up and all have the same boundaries and consequences…
And all probably require a unique style of parenting, I’ll bet! x
You bet! I tried very hard to be a ‘Strict parent’ with Max, but he wasn’t having a bar of it. He was (and is) very much an Attachment kid. Then along came Cappers and being an AP parent (the style that was working for Max) seemed to completely gross her out, so I offered up a different approach. Enter Badoo and, you guessed it, a new style was needed for her. All in all, I parent each of my children quite differently, but with the same consequences and boundaries and the same values and, not surprisingly, outcomes. x
Interesting and thought provoking Bron. I can’t say I have a particular parenting ‘style’. I think I’m a little of everything. Of course I have certain values and morals that I feel strongly about, but I don’t fit in the categories that have become popular in recent years.
Although I haven’t seen any vast parenting differences or issues in our social groups, it is possibly as we naturally form friendships with likeminded people. I don’t think that’s any different to non-parenting friendships. The only thing we as parents have considered with parenting styles as what happens to our children should hubby and I die in an accident together.
Most would have their children cared for by family, we though, have chosen our close friends (my friend who I have known since Grade 2) to look after our kids. For the simple reason we hold the same morals and values in life. It’s quite amazing how similar we are really. So I guess in this respect parenting ‘styles’ are evident.
Mmmmm. Very thought provoking.
You are very right that we tend to hang out with like-minded people, which is pretty much my point. We just stick with our own kind. Ethel and Pearl were a great example of that coming through with parenting styles, but it could have been about anything. We just don’t expose our kids to a great deal of diversity anymore. Or maybe ever. I dunno. x
LOVE this post, thank you for sharing xx
Especially this Bron:
“It takes exposure to a whole village to show a child that tolerance, acceptance and collaboration are far more important that being right.”
I am a very relaxed, slightly hippy parent, I believe that discipline is also needed to set boundaries and respect and of course children thrive in routine and the security of structure. I think that my approach is quite balanced and flexible and I accept all other approaches, having my child exposed to different values, approaches and influences is essential to him forming his own view of the world, I would never cut someone off if their style differed to mine, acceptance is an essential trait that we must model as parents so that our little people realise how important it is xx
Well we are just in complete agreement and, I suspect, have much the same style of parenting to begin with. I bet you also seek out the ‘interesting’ people of the world to hang out with and have the occasional bust-up over the ‘big issues’ and make up over a bottle of wine and more debate. I hope my kids learn from the crazy people we seem to attract, that it takes all kinds of people to make a village work. x
I do have to wonder if this is more prevalent in the city? My friends all parent differently to me and we pretty much live and let live on that. I’m sure there are pockets that don’t feel that way but really as long as no-one hits or harms my child I think it’s important that they learn that families can operate under different rules.
As you’ve said diversity is important.
It is, Lila. My childhood in the country meant I was naturally exposed to people from different socio-economic backgrounds, for example. Here where we live in Sydney I need to drive at least six suburbs to get any kind of variance to show the kids that what wealth truly is is freely available to all. x
Yet another wonderful, insightful post. You are such a wonderful parent.
Thanks ever so, Holly. I do my best. I yell a lot. Redhead temper. x
So interesting Bron. I have a bit of a fence sitter, so I tend to avoid all confrontation! Saying that I will always give my kids an alternative view to every situation, as they will often ask me “how come so -in-so’s mum says/does that and you don’t?”. I completely agree with you that raising our children in a bubble is just silly – they need all kinds of exposure to grow and develop and understand. How on earth will they know how to deal to a ‘different’ situation when Mum isn’t around to protect them?? I’m known as a very relaxed parent and often get frowned upon for my lack of ‘helicoptering’ but I don’t mind, that’s just how I am, and I try very hard not to judge anyone for they way they parent. Great piece. xx
I judge SOME parents, I do. I can’t help it. I don’t agree with the smackers, for instance. I’m not going to NOT be friends with them (of course not!) but I am going to judge their parenting style on that one. Things like that… but, you know me, I’m very open about the fact that I don’t believe that ANYTHING goes and that some things deserve judgement… that’s so un-PC these days, isn’t it!?! x
I’m pretty much chilli to vanilla in the parenting stakes and I’m pretty sure there are haters out there who have stopped speaking to me because of some of the things I do. I’ve come to the conclusion though, that yes, there are probably zillions of things I’m doing completely wrong and I’m saving up a therapy fund for my kids just in case I actually drive them crazy, but there are probably lots of things I’m doing ok with. My kids are so far from perfect, but the decisions I make are with them in mind and I love them and apart from at bed time, they appear to love me too. I’m crap at baking, cleaning and housewifery, but I’ve worked with a lot of disadvantaged families and I’m pretty sure that the majority of us, we’re doing ok. So spice it up a bit, or put vanilla in your muffins, I’m more than fine with that, just share anything home made with me, cause otherwise I’m going to be eating leftover chips that I find in my handbag.
Love it, Kate. A little chilli is necessary in anyone’s vanilla and I welcome it in mine. I was just writing to Robyn up there that I DO judge certain parenting styles – but I’m talking about the big guns. Like, I don’t like it when people hit their kids and I’m not going to say I don’t judge them as wrong for that, but I’m not going to hate them or anything. I’m not going to ignore them or think that they don’t love their kids or think they are somehow lesser. I’m just not going to like their approach.
But the baking, crafty, cleaning thing? To each their own! I don’t mind a bit of handmade time, but I totally get how it is kryptonite for some mums. x
Very thought provoking post and echoes some thoughts that have been swirling in my head from time to time when faced with different parenting style situations. I’m not sure of what my style is but I’m always on at my kids to treat people with kindness and if they have done something mean to try to get them to think about how they would feel if that was done to them (and of course apologise!). I’m trying to teach them to take responsibility for their actions. A constant refrain in our house is it’s ok not to like someone but you always have to be kind. We also regularly have the discussion that every family does things differently and that’s just the way things are. I do have concerns though that this generation of kids may not have as much resiliance as previous ones.
Oh yes, I share your concerns about resilience. Big time
I agree, Vicki. Most kids are living a pretty charmed existence. Perhaps they will never need to call on grit, but it would be nice to equip them just in case! I also agree wholeheartedly about your kindness comment. Your refrain is exactly the same as the one that echos around our house: you don’t have to like everyone, but you do have to be kind to everyone. That’s how I live my life, and that’s how I expect my kids to live theirs. I also push them over from time to time to build up that all-important resilience… it seems to be working… ?!?! x
That is a great post. I grew up sailing the world on a boat until I was 8. I was exposed to different cultures, food, religion the works. We now live in my husbands ‘home town’ – a regional centre where it is not unusual for locals to have never lived elsewhere and to choose the school they went to because they went there. We chose to send our kids to a private school because they offer a reggio Emilia programme up until the lower primary years. However, there isn’t a great diversity which I find disappointing. I drive past the local state school on the way to drop off and notice the different ethnicities, some parents are dressed in suits others in trackers. Some have large families, others small. Then I line up with all the other bmw’s, Mercs, audi’s and swabs (in my grotty dUnited 11 year old Pajero) and wrangle my 4 kids inside the school gate. While I love the kids teachers and value the teaching philosophy I do wonder what they are learning about the world and the wonderful diversity within it.
I apologise for the typos. I’m on an iPhone
itypos are always forgiven here. I have said the darnedest things while on my phone!! x
Your upbringing makes me think that you are bringing your own diversity along for the ride, Cat. You can’t beat that! I also live in an area that is sadly lacking in socio-economic diversity (the city can be bad like that), but culturally we are pretty covered due to our love of travel, my husband’s Italianess and our kids each scoring a bestie from a foreign culture – South African, Chinese-Islamic and British! I totally love that. x
Wow Bron, this was eye opening.
As someone who isn’t living a terribly vanilla life (I’m not sure what flavour I am, peanut butter perhaps) I like to think I am pretty open to wildly varying opinions and I really get frustrated by those who judge too quickly. Oh dear. What Pearl doesn’t remember is that there comes a time when her kids will grow up and she won’t be able to protect them anymore. She needs to make sure they have some resilience in their toolbag.
You bet! I really love Pearl’s approach to parenting, she is a good mum, but I do worry that she has the ‘my way or no way’ approach. x
Seriously how boring is life when we just surround ourselves with people just like ourselves? I really like to be pushed and provoked and challenged. One of my most favourite things about living in Dubai is having the opportunity to be surrounded by people who are so different to me and have lived lives I have only read about. I have friends here who have completely different views to life and raising kids and I find it reassuring that we’re all just doing what we think is right.
I have friends who are Christian, Muslim and Hindi. I have friends who make their 5-year-olds study every spare minute ‘to get ahead’, I have friends who let their kids stay up until after midnight and drink coca-cola on a daily basis. My kids know that the way things are done in our family are different and only occasionally say ‘Why can’t I have a coke, too?” They completely understand that people live different lives in different ways and are interested in them but also have pride in the way we do things too. They come home and tell me about the things their Albanian or Pakistani or Russian or Swedish friend has told them and I love it, their knowledge of the world blows me away.
It’s funny, one of my closest friends here is an Australian, but if I’m honest, I don’t think we would ever have become friends in Australia. In Australia we would be seen as opposites with nothing in common – she’s a very devout Muslim, she was married at 18 and tends to surround herself with just family. I’m an atheist who likes to have a wine and go out with friends and devour a good slab of pork. We respect each other’s differences, but we’re drawn to each other because we have that Australian ‘short-cut’ of language and humour, we have a laid-back approach to how we raise our kids and we put importance on the same things when it comes to our children. So I do understand that appeal of being drawn to people who say ‘Yes, I agree!’ or ‘Yes, I understand’, it can be hard to be different all the time!
Your friendship is inspirational, Corrine. A reminder that we don’t have to be the same in order to connect and enhance each others’ lives. I think your kids are lucky to be experiencing life in the ME during their childhood. Their eyes, minds and hearts are more open for the experience. x
What a fantastic post Bron. Parents, in particular mums, can be so judgmental about each other’s parenting styles. I worry about being judged myself, even though I don’t think I do anything very controversial. I am super carful about what I say, particularly to parents I don’t know well or at all, and in particular in Facebook parenting groups, so as not to cause an argument or get judged myself, but it still happens! I once posted a question asking about private preschools and if they were eligible for the child care rebate and I had people telling me all kinds of things, from that I should send my child to public school not private, to “if you can afford to send your child to a private preschool you shouldn’t be entitled to a rebate”. Wow, right? I’m too scared to open my mouth in public or public forums a lot because of things like this.
I hear ya, Christine and I guess my response to this dilemma is always to have courage in your convictions. People are ALWAYS going to have an opinion and most are not afraid to share it with you, but if you consider that the choices we make are right for us at any given time, then there’s no argument there. I try never to shut myself off from other people’s thoughts on something – it’s always such a good thing to consider all angles before we make our choice.
And I agree – wow. An opinion is easy, an INFORMED opinion is hard and I’m never quite sure why people feel the need to tell you unhelpful stuff either!! x
Thankyou for writing this – Since splitting from my childrens father I am REALLY struggling with this – His values and ideals are SO, SO different from my own and he’s now partnered with a woman very similar to himself. The way they parent is NOT the way I want to raise my kids and I get myself quite worked up about it. I shall save this article and read and re-read til I can genuinely embrace this mindset and see that this could be good for my children and anyone who loves them can be a good person to have in their lives…. Its gonna take a while, but I WANT to get to that point – I WANT to embrace the diversity in my children’s lives.
I hope so much that you get there, Lisa. x
This is a really insightful article. I hear parents (and myself) all the time talking about whether or not they’re ‘getting it right’ – as if there’s a point in your child’s life when you can just sit back and say ‘done – tick!’ To me it seems more like a continuum with very few absolutes! There are things I was adamant about doing with my first child that I wouldn’t do with my third – and no doubt a very many things I’ve yet to learn. I hope I can show my kids that it’s OK to change your mind about your beliefs and to be open to other ways of doing things, but that this doesn’t mean you need to back away from your core principles. What a horribly vanilla world it would be if we all agreed on everything! Much food for thought here, thanks.