Last week I wrote a post that was sort of about yelling – or ‘roaring’ as we call it around here. I confessed that my lion mum was on the roar path and that the kids were copping it. Lion mum always comes out when everyday mum is pushed to breaking point. You don’t want to break everyday mum.
I honestly thought I’d be slayed for being so honest about not loving parenting sometimes, but instead I was supported and soothed and made to feel normal. Sweet normal – it’s all we ever want to feel when we are a parent, just as ‘normal’ kids are all we ever want to raise, really. Normal is good and I can’t thank the wonderful mums who chimed in and made me feel it enough. It’s always good to know that we are not alone in the dank, gloomy trenches.
One thing that I did notice, however, was a general theme of mums feeling ashamed whenever they yell at their kids. They feel guilty and like a ‘bad parent’ when they yell. Even though we all do it. Even though, despite knowing we have other options (although with time outs also being questioned, those options are frankly getting slimmer and slimmer), sometimes a yell is all we really want to do. Yelling might not ‘work’ necessarily, but man does it ever feel good. Sometimes, just sometimes, it’s about the mum, not the kids. Surely?
Apparently not. Apparently yelling is the new smacking. We’re not ‘supposed’ to yell, ever. Yelling damages children’s emotional wellbeing and can be as bad, if not worse, than physical abuse. Instead we’re ‘supposed’ to pull our naughty kids in closer and listen and soothe and work out what’s ‘really going on’ together. Incidentally, there are some ‘tips’ at the end of this article that made me laugh out loud. You can always tell when an ‘expert’ has written an article.
Now, reading the literature has me trying hard not to be a yeller as much as the next mum and most days I manage to get there. The kids are misbehaving and I despite the fact that my head wants to explode into a thousand pieces out of my mouth, I don’t yell. I sit them down and gently talk them through how their behaviour is making the rest of us feel. We talk, I listen, they listen and then we hold hands and sing Kumbayah as a pan pipe whispers in the background.
Because parenting is like that, isn’t it? All pan pipes and soft voices and children who want to please? We don’t yell, we never yell. Yelling is bad. Instead we make our directions clear to our children, we give warning and reminders, never threats, in a calm, clear voice and we give them positive ‘please do’ messages instead of negative ‘don’t messages’. And then the kids listen and do as they’re told. Of course they do.
Gah. Meh. Blah. Spah.
I’m honestly at a loss as to what parenting is all about anymore. To be a ‘good’ parent appears to mean that we leave all human emotion and weaknesses at the door. We leave us. We become an uber-someone, a super-mum. Able to leap tall emotions with a single bound. More powerful than a child refusing to sleep. You get the picture. I’m just not sure what message supermum is sending to our kids. That mums aren’t human? That we don’t get upset? That we don’t get angry or feel hurt or reach the end of our tether from time to time? Where does that leave mums?
The truth is, we are already all supermums. We are amazing. We go above and beyond what we think our human endurance can stand and we do it every day. We are super, super, super and the only trouble is that our kryptonite just happens to be our kids on certain days. Some days our kids just render us powerless and return us back to human with a loud, echoing plop. Fallible, imperfect mums, trying our best to raise powerful, perfect kids. Truth is, sometimes a big old yell is all we have standing between us and walking out the front door without so much as a backward glance.
Do I feel guilty about that? Do I feel guilty about yelling? Of course I do. I don’t want to be a yeller. But sometimes it’s all I’ve got and I’m not letting it go. I don’t yell all the time, but I do yell some of the time and those are the times when I want my kids to know that enough is enough. Mum is yelling because she’s human and she’s hurt and you’ve backed her into a corner and she’s fighting her way out. I am not going to feel guilty about that.
With all the evidence stacking up about how wrong yelling is, I guess I’ll just feel guilty about not feeling guilty instead.
Do you yell? Do you feel guilty? Does feeling guilty stop you yelling?
Jenni says
My friend calls it a “screaming asana”. For all the non yoga readers, an asana is a yoga posture done to benefit health, so screaming asana works well, don’t you think.
Yep, I’m with you, I hate it when I get reduced to screaming. Or yelling, whatever !
I started some sessions with a behaviouralist psychologist last week, because we have a 5 year old with challenging behaviours ( intellectual disability, adopted, odd, add) anyway, he suggested using non-verbal cues to indicate to our son that his behaviour was starting to push the limits.
So, when he is starting to push us, we indicate this by tapping the back of our hand, not looking at him, but giving him a sign that things are starting to heat up and he had better stop.
We have adopted this method, it’s not miraculous, but neurotypical kids would pick up on it much quicker than my boy so maybe give it a try.
As for consequences you’ll have to sort that one out yourself. I think the therapist will cover that in the next session LOL
Maxabella says
Pop back in and update me on what happens next, Jenni! I like the tapping thing… although, I consider a gentle verbal warning much the same thing for my kids. I LOVE “screaming asana” – I think that’s perfect! x
Kathy says
I love that – screaming asana. We have a five year old son who is adopted but have been fortunate not to have many challenging behaviours, just dealing with some learning challenges right now. Good luck with your little fellow.
Megan Blandford says
Just had a squiz at the tips at the end of that article you linked to, and had a good laugh. Sure, I’ll just quietly ask my child to use a softer voice … but she won’t hear me because she’s being loud! Sometimes I yell a big, “OY!” to at least get her attention.
I do see that excessive yelling can be demeaning. I think we should all try to do the best we can in our parenting, and yelling as a first option, day in, day out, isn’t ideal. I’ve seen that and I’ve seen kids’ confidence shrink because of it. But for most parents, I think we try and try and kids need to know there’s a snapping point. You just can’t push someone that far without something giving. And I think it’s good for kids to know their parents are human.
Maxabella says
Agree, agree, agree. x
Emily says
*applauds*
Ellie says
I shall immediately commence a therapy fund for my children.
Yours Sincerely
Screaming Banshee
Maxabella says
LOL, we may need to start crowd funding, Ellie! x
Ellie says
p.s – I mainly feel guilty because I am sure the neighbours have popcorn and wine listening to me go on and on and on at my children. That or speedy dial to Docs complaining that “she’s screaming at the kids again”
Teah says
Bahaha!! I said the same thing to my hubby the other day!
Lila says
I personally don’t think it’s the act of yelling that is damaging but what is being yelled. I don’t believe that kids experiencing the humanity of their parents and how they deal with anger, frustration etc is a bad thing, otherwise how do they learn to handle those emotions in themselves.
I remember reading that it’s actually ok, good even for children to see their parents argue as long as they also see the making up part. I think yelling is a bit like that it’s okay for it to happen ( as long as we don’t attack them or demean them ) as long as they are also taught that doesn’t mean we don’t love them or aren’t a safe place for them. It all depends on the rest of the time and the context, of course yelling isn’t okay if there is no rational reason for them copping it and they learn to walk on eggshells not knowing when they’ll set it off. Of course that’s very different to what you’re talking about!
Emily says
Great response. Yelling for yelling’s sake versus yelling because that’s just it’s done. Thanks for the extra brain food.
Helen K says
I agree with Lily – there is a big difference with why, and what, I am yelling for.
I was yelled at a lot (as was my sister, and my Dad) when we were growing up. And I mean – a lot. And it spun out from the initial problem, to things that had happened years before, to things that had nothing to do with us. And it didn’t only wound us – it wounded my mother.
That degree of yelling is not helpful (and my mother is deeply sorry for it now – but it was driven by other factors, to do with her parenting – she too had a difficult mother, and couldn’t do anything right). As a result, I was silenced in so many ways – and now, standing up for myself, including my rights as a person and parent, have been stifled. I now don’t blame my mother – she was doing the best she could, and in many other ways, she was a wonderful mother and still is. And I think she was reacting with similar emotions as I do now – it can be a painful way for me to deal with discipling (when you have strong ‘anti-yelling’ mentality).
Got to separate the guilt from the need to teach – I know I have gone too far when I start throwing in irrelevant issues, or moving from what they have done to who they are (I do pick myself up generally before that stage but I do have the thoughts of ‘why are you so lazy’ for instance – rather than ”you have still not done what I asked you to do’). But we are only human – and sometimes it is the only way to get through.
Lisa says
I agree – I’m human and there are times when I end up yelling (particularly at my 15 year old!) but we always talk about it later and usually I’ll apologize for losing it with him, explain that I’m human and share what other factors may have contributed to my outburst.
What’s important, in my opinion, is to keep the human connection, to differential between what they did that made me mad and that they are BAD and that’s why I’m mad. I do think kids need this spelled out, otherwise they easily assume that THEY ARE BAD and that’s why we’re yelling.
Maxabella says
I completely agree, Lila. I wish those ‘experts’ were more specific in their criticism! I’ll confess that on occasion I have definitely yelled things I’m not proud of, but I always call myself out on it and talk to the kids about the whys and why we shouldn’ts afterwards. I do struggle to be the ‘good parent’ 100% of the time. I’m happy with 90/10. x
Averil says
When I was a teenager we lived next door to a woman we nicknamed ‘screamer’. I fear I’ve turned into her…
I only yell when I’m really cranky and have had ENOUGH. It’s so true what you say about how we’re not supposed to yell, ever. I know someone that had the police called to their house because they put their screaming son having a tantrum into time out. They were so shocked and embarrassed, and left doubting their parenting abilities.We’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t! On the one hand we have people saying this generation will be out of control, there’s not enough discipline , and yet we are not supposed to raise our voices?!
Maxabella says
It’s funny, but I don’t see roaring / yelling as ‘screaming’, but I guess it is. I can’t believe the police were called – your mate must have been on a real roll for that to happen, or perhaps she just has overly sensitive neighbours. I think the world is so much more conservative in general these days… x
Raychael aka Mystery Case says
I raise my voice, I wouldn’t call it yelling or necessarily effective but I come from a large family where you had to raise your voice to be heard and it’s now a habit and half the time I need to be reminded that I’m yelling and to tone it down.
Maxabella says
Our house is a lot like that too, Raych. We are all LOUD! x
Mother Down Under says
I can be a yeller…and I think as long as I then apologise to my child for my behaviour than that is okay. I don’t think making it seem like we are all perfect all the time is that helpful to our kids.
And, in retrospect, I always find it funny what finally makes me yell.
The last time I lost it, Charlie had been pushing my buttons all day and then he went and broke off the top of my beloved fiddle leaf plant. I roared! And now every time he picks a leaf he makes sure to let me know that it wasn’t from my favourite plant.
Since that day, and since feeling very silly for yelling about a plant, I have tried to put myself into a time out before I reach breaking point. I just make a cup of tea and tell Charlie I need some quiet time to myself and I will rejoin him when I have finished my cup of tea. As long as I simply sit there and don’t turn to my phone, the computer, or a book, it seems to work and we both calm down.
Maxabella says
It’s really nice to have a ‘fall back’ position. I catch myself before the yell most times BUT, as I say here, sometimes I don’t WANT to catch myself. I NEED to let rip and I do and I’m fine with that. x
pollyemj says
You have no idea how much I needed to read this today! Thank you, thank you.
I am a yeller. When my little one pushes me to the limits at the end of a long day I can’t help but yell in anger. It’s horrible afterwards and I feel terrible but somehow in that moment I struggle to control myself. Something to work on for sure. But possibly not something to beat myself up about for hours.
Maxabella says
Please don’t, Polly! Just consider the yell a reset button, apologise and move on. For me, the apology is a great opportunity to give the kids the space to apologise right back!!! x
Emily says
I am a big believer in not yelling. But I still yell. Because it just happens. I’m human. The kids are human (which is another thing those ‘experts’ don’t seem to realise – they have wills of their own and get just as frustrated and stubborn). Sometimes they stick their feet in because they CAN. And sometimes you yell because you CAN. And I don’t like yelling. I have ways of trying not to do it, but yeah, I’ve met the end of my tether before, and it was frayed and mega-ranty.
Maxabella says
Yep, all this is exactly what goes on at my place too, Em. We can’t be model citizens all the time, nor would we want to be. Same goes for our kids! x
Nicole@ The Builders Wife says
I was an all the time yeller, then as the children became older I am now a stressed yeller. I don’t have a problem with the yelling part of being a yeller, for me my issue is that once I reach this stage I am not always careful about what I yell. I have usually been pushed to such a point that I am finding it difficult to control what I am saying. Fortunately, I am not an unkind person, so generally what I say is ok, but from time to time I reflect and cannot believe what I’ve just said. Those times are difficult and horrible, however I take my child aside and let them know how sorry I am, we reflect of what each of us did wrong to get to that point and try to find a way for it not to happened again. This is easy for me to say now that my children are older, when they were younger there was no negotiating. Parenting is without a doubt the most difficult thing I have ever done, but I take faith in knowing that I am doing the best I can.
Maxabella says
I have turned into an occasional yeller. When the kids were little I barely yelled at all. I think I was too tired. x
Kylie Purtell - A Study in Contradictions says
I love this post, Bron. Love it! I have definitely been guilty of yelling too much, and I see what it does to Punky, but I have definitely gotten better at it, especially as Punky gets older. I see how being gentle with her makes more of a difference than yelling but there are still some times where yelling is the only thing that will make her stop and get her attention. I think I need to take a page out of your book and stop feeling guilty about the times I do yell.
Maxabella says
No one can be the parent they want to be every single minute of every single day. The kids stress us out, life stresses us out and if the two are stressing us out together, Mount Vesuvius is going to erupt, right? x
dear olive says
Yep, yelling absolutely makes me feel guilty! And it feels “wrong” when I’m doing it, yet “right” at the same time …. ah, it’s a tough gig. Whenever I lose my head, I always make sure I go and talk about it with Olive after. (Because Clancys so little, and un-yellable, poor O is the brunt of all my yelling.) Great conversation to start, lady. You are most definitely a super Mum. Kellie xx
PS Shane is always pointing out to me to look at how different all our friends childhoods and parenting experiences were – and how well we all turned out as adults. So, you know, there can’t be just only one single right way to raise a normal(ish) child.
Maxabella says
Shane is a very wise man, Kellie. x
Allison Tait says
The world is a rough place. People yell. They don’t love everything you do. They spend way too much time researching parenting and presenting their findings on the internet.
I resolved some time ago to stop reading ‘how to parent’ stories. The benefits to my mental health have been immeasurable.
When the world is perfect, then parents will be perfect. Until then, we just do the best we can, in all our imperfect, yelling glory. Stop beating yourself up.
Maxabella says
Sing it, sister! x
Lauren @ Create Bake Make says
The tips at the end of that article are GREAT 😉
As much as I wish I didn’t, I yell at my kids. Today alone I have yelled to my big boy to stop sitting on his little brother’s head and when they both pushed me to my limit by throwing their porridge at each other/on the floor this morning (I think I’ve cleaned it all up but I ALWAYS find a spot of the stuff petrified to the chair/bench/floor) which drives me bonkers. Great conversation in the comments, 1000% agree with Lila’s comment that it’s about what we say vs the actually yelling.
Maxabella says
I tend to just say what I normally say only at great volume. Sometimes I say things I’d rather I hadn’t – just depends on how persistent the button-pushing is at the time. There is nothing more frustrating than a yelling mum being ignored! x
Reannon @shewhorambles says
I have four children, OF COURSE I yell! I yell so much that it’s become normal to all of us. I’m not always yelling because I’m mad, sometimes I’m yelling just to be heard above the chaos. Sometimes I’m yelling because I’m at one end of the house & the person I need is at the other end. Sometimes I’m yelling because I’m excited & I need to tell them all something. I try to keep it at minimum but some days I am a screaming banshee. Other days I’m calm. My kids are the same. It’s normal right?
Do I hate myself when I yell in anger? Yes I do. I almost always apologise or at least try to explain to my kids why I was yelling at them. Does that make it OK? Who knows but I think we need to realise that our kids have tougher skins than we think they do & we don’t need to pussy-foot around them, mollycoddling & shielding them from our own bad behaviour. No parent is perfect but we I think we try our very best most of the time & hopefully our kids know that.
Maxabella says
Amen to that, Reannon. x
Hugzilla says
I find that I yell when I have nothing left. It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does I know I’m beaten and have lost control of the situation – and myself. I grew up in a yelling/smacking house and I vowed never to do the same with my kids. So far so good, but my kids are only 3 and 5 so I’m not going to get all smug just yet. Since my first was born I’ve made a very conscious effort to look into other more positive strategies and up until now have been fortunate that they have worked with my kids. My husband and I are very laid back people and I could literally count on two hands the number of times we have argued in 15 years, so there isn’t a lot of yelling going on in general around here.
Maxabella says
We sound very similar and I very, very rarely yelled at the kids when they were small. When they get bigger, though, well, the expectations start to rise AND their need to push the boundaries rises right along with it. Like a volcano rising, rising. The systems we have in place for a calm and happy household fail quite spectacularly every now and then. So, yeah, I yell from time to time these days. I’m okay with that. x
Hugzilla says
Absolutely! Young kids are so much easier to manage on an emotional level.
Robyna | The Mummy & the Minx says
I yell and I feel horribly guilty whenever I do. But then I think, my kids need to realise that if they act in a certain way, it will illicit a certain response. They need to understand that there is certain kind of behaviour that is going to result in my being upset. Perhaps loudly so. And I also think it’s okay to be human in front of our kids. Thanks for this post.
Cat from That Bettie Thing says
Robyna a child psychologist once said at a parenting conference I attended that “isn’t it better they see that behaviour from you, rather than the drunk down the street” she went on to say that none of us are perfect, and it’s the way you explain your frustration and emotions to the children that counts. We all get frustrated and it’s about managing our emotions and mummy is only human.
Maxabella says
Does that mean I get to be drunk, Cat?
Maxabella says
In which case: please stop feeling that silly guilt, Robyna!! x
Maxabella says
Obviously time to stop beating yourself up about it, Robyna! When it happens, it happens, we learn from it, we apologise, we show the kids that the world hasn’t ended just because mum lost it and we use it as a stepping stone for an honest, open chat with the kids. What’s not to love? x
Shannon@ my2morrows says
My name is Shannon and I’m a yeller!
great read Bron! Just gotta keep doing the best we can even if that includes yelling. Xx
Maxabella says
Should I start a support group? Yellers Anonymous? We could eat cake and yell from the top of cliffs? x
Malinda @mybrownpaperpackages says
I actually went to bed sick with guilt after being backed into a corner at the end of the day and yelling at my daughter. I felt bad that the last thing she heard before going to sleep was me yelling at her. I don’t yell all the time ( I hope not anyway) but I had lost the plot. In the morning, she was fine, I was tired and we simply got on with life.
Maxabella says
Yep, we simply get on with life. Hopefully next time you might slip up for a quick cuddle before she goes to sleep, if only for your own peace of mind! Embrace the lion mum and know that all will be okay. x
Erin says
I try not to yell at my kids, I’ve asked myself “would I talk to my friends like that? why do I think it permissible to talk to my loved ones like that?” However… I’m not perfect and so I have and do yell at times. But then I think it’s good for my children to know I’m not perfect and see how I deal with and strive to resolve issues.
Maxabella says
I agree, Erin. But then, my friends aren’t sitting on their brother’s head despite being told 3 times to get off… x
Erin says
Too true.
skye says
I cannot tell you how mucb i needed this read. I didn’t read the experts link (I’d probably just want to throttle them) but with a 2 1/2 very boisterous, michevious, very much boy in the middle of terrible 2s and a 5 year old going on 16 with attitude and stomping feet sometimes after repeating the same thing 6 times at a normal levels sometimes you just need to roar to be heard. As crap as you feel afterwards.
Maxabella says
Don’t feel crap, embrace the yell. Explain later. x
Cat from That Bettie Thing says
A member of my husbands family said to me recently “there is a difference between ‘kmart yelling’ & ‘educated yelling'”. What I think she was trying to say that there is a difference between rising your voice and screaming hurtful put downs… I guess it’s just a case of being as mindful as we possibly can.
Maxabella says
LOL, “Kmart yelling”. Pissing myself! x
KezUnprepared says
Hahaha love the K-mart yelling vs educated yelling – so hilariously spot on!
Julie says
Time out, normally stops me from yelling. I probably yell once or twice a month and it upsets me more. My mothers yelling always ended in hitting. Lots of it. So I am conscious of how freaked out yelling can make me, which never calms down the situation. Yes I try to bend down and look Jarvis in the face and talk to him, but I am human, as all Mums are
Maxabella says
That’s a scary place to come from, Julie. I know that my ‘yelling’ and the ‘yelling’ some kids go through are completely different things. I guess that’s why the ‘experts’ take the hard line and say ‘don’t do it at all’ when what they should really be saying is “if you are coming from a place of love 100% of the time that you are parenting, it’s natural that you might lose your shit from time to time, but don’t lose it too hard and don’t lose it too long’. Or something like that. Hugs to you, beautiful. xxx
KezUnprepared says
I rarely yell at the Little Mister. It takes me almost at breaking point to do so, but I do take small comfort in the fact that I will never call him names or say anything cruel or hurtful. It is just me expressing my valid frustrations or my own hurt. I think that what matters most is what words we use and whether the yelling is in proportion with what is happening. However, I do know that yelling when you hate your kid yelling is obviously counter productive, which is why I really try not to.
And with the positive reinforcement thing? I try so hard to live by it, but I’m human. Sometimes, “That’s it! I’ve had enough! You’re not getting *insert thing here* because *insert reason here*.”
Shit happens, hey? 😛
The key is not to beat ourselves up each time we’re not perfect and each day is a fresh start or an opportunity to change something.
F*ck being perfect!!! I’ll settle for mostly awesome 😉
Maxabella says
I’ve never called my kids names, belittled them or teased them when angry. I’ve probably scared them. I don’t know how I feel about that. Not guilty, not not guilty. Hand on heart I can say that I never yelled with the kids were smaller. A yell from me is probably set off by the fact that they are old enough to do better and know better. When little I had all the patience in the world… x
Mrs M says
Absolutely yes yelling is the new smacking. We all do it. Yes we want to do it less, no we don’t like it, but personally sometimes it’s the only way I’m heard. On a positive note, I’m sure they’ll still bring up stories about the time we yelled like a crazy woman but it won’t be ‘the thing’ they remember about their childhood. Positive always over rides the negative, unless there is no positive, which for most is not the case.
Maxabella says
I agree, Mrs M – me yelling from time to time through frustration is NOT going to be the defining feature of my kids’ childhoods!! x
Vicki @ Boiled Eggs & Soldiers says
I’m not happy about it but I do yell at my kids because sometimes that’s all I’ve got left. I don’t like it and don’t like it when they yell back either but then the anger is out and it’s gone and everyone moves on. I like what Lila said about what’s being yelled, it’s never to belittle them it’s mostly “will you listen to me” or “get off your sister” or “this is not a negotiation, just do what you are told!”.
Maxabella says
I think that for the majority of us hardworking mums, it’s a yell about a situation, not a yell about character. I think that’s okay. x
Vicki @ Knocked Up and Abroad says
I’d love to say I’m not a yeller, but hah, I’d be lying like no tomorrow. Sure, I try and not make a habit of it but sometimes I just need to spew out all of my frustration and hurt about a situation because God knows I have tried to be patient. I know it could be damaging, but what exactly are we supposed to realistically do? And after all, isn’t the concept of punishment, whether it be yelling, time outs, toy claiming, smacking, whatever, supposed to be slightly unpleasant so that it deters them from repeating the undesirable behavior? If everything is all peace, hugs and love all the time, even when the shit is shit then how are they supposed to learn to decipher what is good and make alternative choices when tempted with naughty decisions/actions? I just know soothing and cuddling (sure sometimes it’s good) when my two boys are about to throw a heavy object at the other ones head for the 107th time for the afternoon, is just not a reality for this home.
Maxabella says
Haha, I totally get it, Vicki. Someone said to me via email that “I wouldn’t yell at my friends or another adult like that, so I give my children the same courtesy” and I wrote back to her “if my friend every tried to sit on my other friend’s head and I’d told that friend to get off umpteen times yet still she was there sitting on the head, yep, I’d yell at my friend for sure.” x
eliza says
Maybe to bad mother tag for yelling is offset by the good mother tag we get for playing with our kids? My parents never played with me (I’m not complaining, just observing) but now I feel guilty for doing the dishes and not “engaging” with them.
Maxabella says
Oh, I don’t play with them either, Eliza. 😉
Lisa@RandomActsOfZen says
My name is Lisa, and I am a yeller.
When Bell was a littlie I hardly ever had to yell, but since becoming a tween things changed. I love how she’s an independent thinker and boundary pusher, but sometimes she just pushes that bit too far. Luckily we have a pretty good communication going on between us, and usually talk it out after.
Don’t you love how the experts seem to have everything worked out in neat little packages? All kids are different, as are parents. We all have our limits and expectations.
Good convo you’ve started here, lovely xx
Maxabella says
I’m the same, Lis. I never yelled at the kids when small because I didn’t have higher expectations for their ability to consider others and control themselves. Now I do and it’s frustrating when they ignore what they know is the right thing to do and push, push, push. x
Bele @ BlahBlah says
I agree wholeheartedly, because I think it’s weird that mums are supposed to be some kind of alternate human who doesn’t feel the whole range of emotions. Surely, it’s better we show our kids how to get things out of our system and we all know that pent up anger is a lot worse. In many ways, I wish we were all a bit more like the Italians and got things off our chests as they happen rather than sitting on them x
Maxabella says
See, my kids are half Italian so I’m pretty sure they are wired to EXPECT a lot of yelling. They probably push my buttons because usually I am just not Italian enough for their DNA. x
Denyse says
I’ve been a shouter as a parent (seems long ago now) and rarely unless due to danger as a grandparent. What I was, sometimes, was a (young) teacher who shouted.
I learned, funnily enough from my son aged 5, that ‘Mum when the teacher yells in class, I get a sore tummy because I know I am ok but she must be mad at me’
This was a wake up call more than 30 years ago, for the classroom that is for sure. How often do teachers shout at the class but it’s only one or two kids who may need their attention gained, yet the more sensitive & well-behaved kids will be affected.
I know it’s a little off course for your post, and I agree that we need to let kids know where we stand and there are days when ENOUGH is actually E N O U G H.
These days, and even in my last years as a principal, excessive or long lasting classroom yelling/shouting by a teacher warranted a ‘professional’ chat about what constituted appropriate behaviour from a teacher.
Food for thought isnt it?
Thanks for making me recall this matter.
Denyse
Maxabella says
I think it’s different when a teacher yells for the precise reason you’ve pointed out – it’s not ALL kids at ALL times that deserve a good roar, so the quieter ones trying to do the right thing get the brunt of it and the ones misbehaving probably don’t care anyway. I think a bit of yelling in the classroom is expected and necessary, but if it’s a default position, that’s a warning sign. Same goes for the motherhood – yelling should not be an everyday thing. It’s certainly not any everyday thing at my place. It’s my ‘get it out of my system’ jail card that helps me let of steam and do the job I’m put here to do and I’m happy to use it when I need it. If that’s the same for a teacher, then I’m okay with that for sure. x
Jen says
I’m late to this discussion, and being childfree, I probably don’t have much to contribute. But. As a teacher and a teacher-of-teachers/support specialist, one of the things that I notice with teachers who are struggling in the classroom and resorting to yelling (or screaming) as a standard operating procedure, there is generally a break-down in expectations or procedures or a lack of them all together. Generally speaking, when we can nail down the expectations and give kids something to do – in the classroom at least – there are so many fewer needs for losing patience or tempers. When teachers are in control of themselves and the environment, they are much better equipped to handle the tantrums and interruptions that kids bring.
Which is not to say that it doesn’t still happen. I have a particularly vivid memory of losing it with a class of kids at the alternative school last year during a lock-down drill (which I did not know was a drill at the time). I’m pretty sure that the neighbors across the street from our cinderblock & brick building could hear my yelling…they certainly heard me in the far-reaches of the building. Not my proudest moment, but at the time…it worked.
Maxabella says
There is no way on earth I would ever condone yelling as a ‘fall back’, everyday position. It’s definitely not in my house – we have good structures and routines for consequences that get us through most things. BUT every now and then we have a systems fail and I go a bit mental and then we get back on track and hopefully all is well. I’m okay with that because no system is infallible and we mothers definitely aren’t. If I ever felt like yelling was becoming my ‘thing’, I would seek professional help. x
Kathy says
Chiming in late Bron – this is a fantastic post and you took the words, and the yelling, out of my mouth.
Maxabella says
Happy to help the motherhood, Kathy. It’s a bloody tough gig but the best bit is that we are raising bloody tough kids who hopefully can take a bit of roaring from time to time. I like to think so anyway!! x
Colleen | Hello Olive Designs says
Yes, I yell, and yes, I feel terrible about it! Loved this post. Glad I am not the only one who shouts when I reach the end of my tether. Thanks so much for being real! x
Maxabella says
Stop feeling terrible about it, Colleen. Embrace it and work with it. That’s what I try to do. I refuse to feel too much guilt about this one!! x
Zanni says
What an excellent post! Yelling is the #1 thing I feel guilty about. I feel awful when it happens. Sick, sometimes, with guilt. But I am slowly learning to forgive myself. I am a passionate, and expressive person. I try not to yell, but sometimes all buttons are triggered. I often apologise, and my sweet 5yo is always so understanding and open to talking about it. Sometimes, she yells too, and we talk about that too. x
Maxabella says
You are just you, Zanni. We are all just us. We can’t be superheroes, nor does that benefit our kids. When I say I don’t feel guilty, that doesn’t mean I don’t put things in place when I’m on the yelly side. I absolutely do and things calm down, until next time. I don’t think guilt should have a place in parenting, not when I know that 99.99% of us are in the trenches raising kids while under fire. Nothing there to feel guilty about. x
Astred * design cherry says
Guilt is the currency of parenthood.
For your efforts you are paid in guilt.
Everything, every where: media, social, medical and political outlets is pointing at you as a parent and judging you guilty. I would say to anyone out there if they love feeling guilty then they should definitely become a parent.
Pregnancy eating and restricted diet? Guilty. You can’t eat that it your child won’t be a genius. Don’t eat that lettuce your baby may die!
Breast feeding eating? Guilty. Feeding your child in general? Guilty.
Stay at home mum? Guilty. Working mum? Guilty.
Just wanting to have 5 minutes to yourself? Guilty.
Looking at your instagram feed instead of helicopter hovering in the playground? Guilty.
Helicopter hovering in the playground. Guilty.
Time out? Guilty.
Raising your voice? Guilty.
Choosing the right school? Guilty.
Having a child when other’s aren’t as fortunate? Guilty.
Having a child when other friend’s have chosen not to and you are boring them with your parenthood? Guilty.
Lying to your child and telling them the TV doesn’t work in the evening because they need to go to bed soon and you just can’t bear to watch one more minute of BBC dinosaur documentaries… Guilty.
All my illusions where shattered about being the perfect calm mum with all the answers when I had my child and realised I was still me, just a slightly more frazzled version.
Maxabella says
God, it truly is dreadful isn’t it. I wonder who decided that modern parenting would be paid for in guilty? I asked my mum about this the other day and she said that mother guilt is a new thing, at least it is to her and her friends. They just made choices and got on with things. Mum said she would not like to be a parent in today’s world full of ‘experts’ and other mums, all ready to tell you what a bad job you’re doing. Mum has a very interesting point!
I don’t know why, but I have just never bought into the whole guilt thing. I don’t let it in. I know that I’m making the best, educated choices I can for my children. I know I’m doing the best I can and that best is 90% fantastic and 10% pretty shit, but that’s life kiddos, hopefully cranky mum will make you stronger. x
Astred * design cherry says
I think that’s a pretty good ratio of good:shit. I subscribe to the same thinking – is my kid safe/semi clean/eating/mostly happy? then I’m doing well.
When he gets stroppy about something I remind myself that he is human and not robo-baby that is always good. And I guess mum’s need to remind themselves that they are not robo-parents but humans who are inherently faulted and that’s ok. Just don’t make the ratio 90% shit, 10% good.
Maxabella says
Yeah, that wouldn’t be the ideal ratio at all. 🙂
Eliza says
So much parenting advice these days is, quite frankly, ridiculous.
Sometimes a gentle, caring approach is warranted – like when my daughter is overtired and really just needs to be soothed. Other times, she needs to learn that if she pushes that same button for an hour or two, mum’s gonna yell at her.
I mean seriously, we’re not raising children here – the aim is to produce a well rounded, functioning adult that is able to deal with the adult world. And yes, they absolutely need to learn that people will blow their top at times.
They need to learn that people will get angry at them – and how to cope when someone is. Ditto for learning how to deal with someone who’s frustrated, sad, annoyed, and just having a bad day. They’ll be subject to that at school and as adults, so lets give them the emotional intelligence to survive it.
We can let them live in a bubble of Kumbaya and pan flutes while they’re young, at home and in our total control, but what happens when that bubble bursts?
Maxabella says
I hear ya, Eliza. I love what you have to say about ‘not raising children here’, that’s spot on. x
Julie says
I yelled at my two year old so loudly the other morning and plonked her in the cot and waiked out of the room as she roared… I was so ashamed thinking the old lady upstairs heard it & I spent the whole day feeling wretched guilty and disappointed that I lost control . Negotiations didn’t work, I’d had 90 mins of irrational toddler behaviour while trying to get out to work on time for a meeting, not covered in Weeetbix or toddler tantrum snot. thanks for reminding me I’m ok and not a total raving mad fishwife Mummy fail!
Maxabella says
It happens to the best of us, Julie, it really does. Not something we’re proud of, but something we acknowledge as being part and parcel of being a mum. I’m curious as to whether you would have felt ashamed if there hadn’t been an old lady upstairs who might have heard?!?! x
Laney@thelaneyfiles says
Bron, with all your brilliant parenting posts, I actually thought you probably weren’t a yeller, which made me feel bad because I myself can be a yeller (far too often if truth be told – I’m working on it), so I am greatly relieved to hear that even you grapple with roaring at the kids and yes sometimes it feels fantastic!!!! A wonderful post (that has been pathetically pulled apart by another writer who has chosen to misinterpret you), I would love to share this on my page if you don’t mind x x
Maxabella says
I’d be totally honoured if you shared it, Laney. And, as I’ve tried to make clear, OF COURSE I’m a ‘yeller’. I’ve never met a mum who isn’t. I don’t yell a lot, but when I do, I am not guilty about it. The roar helps me get my message across. I’m just so bone-weary over the burden of guilt society seems to expect mothers to carry. x
Shelley says
What a refreshing read! Thank god there is someone brave enough to keep it real! At least I know there’s others out there wrestling with their guilt as well.
Maxabella says
Shelley, we are all of us just human and the majority (the VAST majority) of us are yelly humans sometimes. That’s just the way it is. I don’t feel guilty about losing my cool from time to time, I really don’t. If I lost my shit every day that would be a different story, but I don’t feel guilt for showing my kids just how human their mum is when they stretch me to my limit. We have a chat about it afterwards and they KNOW I’m working to hold my temper and that’s the main thing – showing them that I am working on myself. x