We sent out the Cappers’ birthday invites yesterday and it suddenly hit me that she’s nearly ten. Cue enormous quantities of nostalgia. My Cappers has always been a delightful kid to parent and her first decade really snuck up on me. At least, I think that’s true. I don’t know any more.
I had a three kids in about four years and Max was all of 18 months when Cappers came along. It was physically, emotional, spiritually and unquestionably demanding on a good day. If you’d asked me at the time what parenting was like, I would have told you that it was a relentless battle that shot me down most days. Parenting felt like I was sludging knee-deep in mud while someone bounced a tennis ball off the side of my head in time to a blaring Kenny Rogers soundtrack sung by The Chipmunks. I did not win most days.
Hindsight has changed all that.
Now I get all nostalgic for the little moments. A small hand slipping into mine. The weightlessness of a babe in arms. The smell of freshly-washed child. Tickled giggles and squawks. Little feet squeezing into tiny leather shoes and cotton fabrics washed soft and fluid.
When I look back on my children’s younger years, there is a pale, sunshiney glow to everything and where my childhood ends and theirs begins I cannot be certain. My children’s laughter peals like the high notes on a piano and my own presence is sturdy and kind. If I yelled, its echo has been rendered barely audible. If I tripped up, I’ve landed safely with my children in my arms.
More than that, my hindsight days feel luxuriously untethered and undemanding, minutes tick-tocking into hours into days into weeks into years into now. Unlike the living of them, those hours and days and years feel comforting and full, not overwhelming nor empty in the slightest. When I’m looking back, not once do I feel myself despair that the years stretch endlessly before us, fragile and knowable, the same old same old. The same old is welcome, here in hindsight.
I try to hold onto the realness of raising kids – the solid twak of that tennis ball hitting head – but mostly I cannot. Like liquid dreams, the rawness of parenting seems to float away on life’s tide. Here, but only in words, barely at all in memory. Hindsight has washed it all clean.
Even today, when I’m living the rawness and moments often seem untenable, the lovely telescope of hindsight turns backwards and reminds me that moments are riches when they are good and forgotten when they’re bad. Moments tick along, regardless of how we feel about them, and eventually they leave and leave memories in their place. Memories whose power washes moments into something treasured and collectable.
So, all in all, as I sit here and reflect on a girl’s first ten years and a mother’s attempts to guide them, I can only conclude that parenting is best in hindsight. Sometimes, ofttimes, only remotely bearable in hindsight. Hindsight gives us the true gift of parenting – all children become good children and we are left with a feeling of having done something good. For the proud moments stay true and the moments we regret are gone, lost forever, if we let them go. Only when we let them go.
Do you enjoy the ‘everyday’ parenting?
Would you agree that hindsight is a beautiful thing?
Mrs W says
I seem to have a different hindsight – I have trouble remembering the good over the bad! It’s the main reason why I like to use a journal, to help me note down those daily moments of fun and happiness. Then when I’m reminiscing later, I can find the joy I’d forgotten about because my mind overshadowed it with the tantrum or yelling from later in the day!
Maxabella says
Hindsight can be a fickle friend, Mrs W. x
Michaela Fox says
Oh Bron, you have captured this so beautifully. I often think about how our memory recalls moments differently. I had three kids in less than three years and my life back then is a bit of a blur, Time has softened some of those wounds and I say wounds because life was relentless, exhausting, intense and draining. Only when i look back it was pure, raw, simple and beautiful. My Miss J turns 5 this weekend and I have been thinking a lot about this too. If only we could freeze time in the lovely moments but fastback some of the awful ones, but then it would be boring, right? xx
Maxabella says
I love that my kids are close in age NOW, but I sure would space them out if I knew what those early years were going to be like!! x
Reannon @shewhorambles says
My youngest was 10 when our third was born & it was for all those nostalgic reason you mention that we thought we’d try for more kids even though we though we were done at two.
Having a 13 year old & 10 year followed up by another baby ( followed 12 months later by another baby)really makes patenting different. This time around I think I appreciate these younger years more. With the big two I was always looking toward the next milestone. With the younger two in happy for time to go at its one pace because I know that far too quickly you have teenagers in your hands who want to live their own lives with as little input from us as possible.
Reannon @shewhorambles says
Sorry my phone ALWAYS corrects ON to IN so I hope my comment makes sense?
Maxabella says
Beautiful perspective and one I know I’ll never quite achieve BUT I do know that as the kids get older, I am more grateful for the good and less worried about the bad. So good. x
Simoney says
Yes yes, oh yes. You are poet and a wonder! It’s so TRUE! And I think only when your children are just that bit older does the nostalgia kick in and hindsight seive through the nasty bits and skim off the drudgery. Such a lovely warm fuzzy feeling when i think back to the earlier years. Even the tantrums make me smile. Love this post, from the bottom of my nostalgic mummy heart x
Maxabella says
I think it’s where the greatest rewards are AND it makes me feel less worried about the galloping years. x
Mother Down Under says
Beautiful Bron.
I think because I had a bit of a larger gap between my two and because I am fairly sure that Lyddie will be my last, I really was able to savour at least this little piece of babyhood and childhood.
I was just thinking the other day that our lives have been really lovely the past nine or so months…I think because I haven’t been working everything has been more relaxed and we have all benefitted from that.
I know there have been moments, but hindsight seems to have already washed them away…or maybe lack of sleep has rendered my memory useless!
Maxabella says
I think that’s so good, Caitlin. I do think that having the babies all so close together wasn’t ideal. It’s ideal NOW, but not back then. x
Kelly says
This is just beautiful. I loved your words. My son is nearly three and I get all nostalgic thinking back to when he was a baby. Hindsight in parenting happens no matter what age they are, I think.
Maxabella says
Oh it totally does, Kelly. It took me a LONG time to get misty-eyed about the baby years, though. I’m definitely more of a ‘big kid’ mum!! x
Josefa @always Josefa says
A beautiful reflection on parenting. I have never thought about parenting in hindsight, but I guess perhaps that is all we are left with – when the days end and they grow older. AJ is turning 9 next year and part of me is in complete shock – no! no! no! stay little stay little part of me screams – but that is what parenting is about – watching them grow while we do too. Lovely post Bron xx
Maxabella says
I like that, Josefa “watching them grow while we do too”. And they have been so much a part of our growth, haven’t they? We are bolder, brighter people because our children have shown us the way. x
Mumma McD says
Beautiful Bron. I’ve been feeling very nostalgic lately as my littlest has just turned two. Perhaps it’s hormones. Who knows. I said to my husband how much I miss the baby stage and he just looked at me like I was crazy! He clearly remembers things very differently!
Maxabella says
Haha, I’m with your husband… but it really is such a shock sometimes, isn’t it? They seem to grow up overnight sometimes and become something entirely new. x
Vanessa says
I think for anything hindsight is good. I think the risk in believing that is allowing yourself not to enjoy the moment though – and for that it really depends on what it is that you’re doing.
Maxabella says
I am definitely working on making those moments count, Vanessa. It’s been a hard one for me, but I’m (slowly) slowing down. x
Malinda @mybrownpaperpackages says
I actually really needed to hear this today, I’ve been having one of “those” dreadful weeks and needed to be reminded of the good things and that hindsight will highlight those. xx #TeamIBOT
Maxabella says
Aw, mate, we all have ‘those’ weeks. I hope you rise. x
Angie says
Oh, absolutely. I’ve been thinking about that a lot and I think the reward for the hard years is the looking back.
In saying that, I am conscious of being present in moments that are really lovely because I think they get us over the mothering line most days. In particular, my youngest, a 3-year-old girl, gives me so much daily joy. I think I’m more aware of it because there will never be another 3-year-old and that level of cuteness is hard to miss!
Maxabella says
This is true, Angie. Every single day SOMETHING happens that makes everything else worthwhile. It is quite the strangest thing. x
Robyn says
Yes yes yes, this is exactly how it feels. I’m not sure if it’s good or bad but I very happy to have all those warm fuzzy hindsight feelings that to look bad and feel stressed or regretful. It means that amongst all the everyday chaos, things were good. I hope I kids look back at their childhoods with the same hindsight xxx
Maxabella says
Yes! That’s it! Hindsight helps us find the moments we are too rushed to notice? x
EssentiallyJess says
Hindsight is what makes older ladies pat you gently and say, ‘it goes so fast, and you’re doing so well,’ on a day that is taking forever and you cannot do a thing right. Everything is so different in the moment isn’t it?
I love this post Bron, cause it’s almost a challenge to me: make parenting good now, not just in the future. xx
Maxabella says
I think parenting IS good now, Jess – but too relentless to let us pause to catch our breat and acknowledge it. The hard parts are just so defeating, but the good is there for us to bask in. x
Vicki @ Boiled Eggs & Soldiers says
This is a lovely way to look at things. I had my 2 close together so it was an intense few years I often find myself wishing I had the time back now so that I could enjoy it more and also want time to slow down now to savour these few years before they get to double digits. Hindsight is a beautiful thing and I think you are right in saying that if you can look back fondly you must have been doing something right! xx
Maxabella says
We MUST be doing something right. x
Natalie @ OurParallelConnection says
Every day parenting has always bored me but I find that these are the little moments that usually stick in my memory. I think I try to make the big moments too big and it is really the little moments that mean more.
Maxabella says
Very true, Natalie. The little moments are what we actually spend our days doing.
Janet aka Middle Aged Mama says
Parenting is hard work! My two are 21 and 18 now, and although I love them to bits and have many fond memories of their baby and childhoods, cuddles, “firsts”, and the rest … there were lots of moments that broke my heart. That said, the hubster and I tried to make the most of their childhoods so have few regrets … except the “family” years raced past far more quickly than we thought they would. We are now re-discovering life on the OTHER side of parenting – it’s a whole new world out there! But I can’t help feeling a little sad for days gone by …
Maxabella says
This is exactly how I think I will feel when our kids are grown, Janet. I think we are making the most of their childhood and I know that when they are big, I will feel smaller. x
Jodi Gibson (JF Gibson Writer) says
Oh Bron why do you have to go all sentimental when I’m in an emotional mood. I can’t see the keyboard through my misty eyes.
You are so right. Even though I do still remember the hard struggles of those first few months and years, I look back with such fondness. I see my girls as they grow and realise just how god damn special they are – and I created them! How did that happen?
Oh gosh, I’m bawling now. xxx
Maxabella says
How did that happen?! As much as it sux in the trenches sipometimes, if I could freeze time on any given day, that’s exactly what I’d do. x
Tash @ Gift Grapevine says
I’m knee-deep in the trenches with a toddler and pre-schooler and I only wondered the other day how I would answer the question in future years when my kids ask “Was I a good kid?”. I think hindsight will definitely help gloss over the rough times the same way I look back on the baby years as being wonderful! Love this post Bron and I have to applaud you for the wonderfully descriptive phrase – “sludging knee-deep in mud while someone bounced a tennis ball off the side of my head in time to a blaring Kenny Rogers soundtrack sung by The Chipmunks.” It’s perfection!
Maxabella says
If only it weren’t true! And kudos to Kenny and everything, but I felt his music really summed up parenting!!
There is no such thing really as a “good kid” because I think all kids are fundamentally good (except the kid who lives up the road from us – he’s not good.) x
Kathy says
You have captured that glow of nostalgia and hindsight so well. It is like a photo filter on life. I’m doing a fair amount of looking back now with a big 12 year old as I feel like the little girl is gone. Hopefully I can imbue the present with that warm glow.
Maxabella says
There is like a switch that seems to happen at 11/12 years of age. That whole puberty thing is so much more than physical. x
Erin says
Hindsight is a wonderful gift.
I probably appreciate the day to day more now with my younger kids than I did in the early years with my older ones. Actually that’s not true, probably did appreciate the day to day with my first few, my middle ‘set’ are more a blur, but with the hindsight of age I’m appreciating again more.
I think every woman should have a baby in her 40s, just sayin’. giggle. What I mean is hindsight does create an deep, totally deep sense of appreciation that I didn’t have in the earlier years with my older children.
Maxabella says
I love that you have a whole gang to ‘choose’ from. Such a good thing, really. I can definitely see why large families seem to raise very special people, Erin. x
Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me says
What a gorgeous post, but sadly I think I’m too hard on myself and often just remember all the shitty things I’ve done, the times I’ve been cranky or got cross. Just this morning as I forced eye drops in my boys and fought them while brushing teeth I felt overwhelmed that I had to do this EVERY DAY! Think I just have PMS xx
Maxabella says
Stop that right now! We KNOW parenting is relentless – let’s just accept that and move on. Hindsight can be looking back, back, back or it can be remembering the morning in a different way, if you let it. x
Bec Senyard says
A Beautiful post Bron. And I needed to read that now. I feel parenting is a bit full on at the moment with my littlies. I’m trying to savour each moment with Phoebe because she is my last baby. Funnily enough now that Esther is 5 I remember the good and not the bad so I agree with you about the hindsight. Sometimes I wished I remembered this when I’m not having a great day with the kids! X
Kylie Purtell - A Study in Contradictions says
I just love this post Bron, and I think it’s true. I’m barely 4 years in to this parenting journey and I feel that beauty of hindsight when it comes to those early days, especially the early days of life with a newborn and 20-month-old. I often think what you’ve written is the very reason we go on to have more than one child at all!