I first read about the ‘golden years of parenting’ back when the kids were 1, 3 and 4 and I didn’t have time to finish the article. I was too busy wiping bottoms, picking up babies and carefully watching – so much watching.
Then I hit the sweet spot, no doubt about it. Turns out I didn’t need to read any articles to know about the golden age. You just know.
Right now my kids are 7.5, 10 and 11 and we are deeply, unconditionally in love. We just spent a month travelling around Europe and it was the best, most easiest trip I’ve ever been on (and I’ve been on many). All three proved themselves to be independent, considerate, caring, curious little people that delighted me every single day. The trip felt like one giant reward for all the hard parenting work we have put in over the years and it made me think, “YES, I get it! I get how unconditionally wonderful parenting truly is.”
See, back when they were littles, I confess that I never quite got the “unconditional” part. I mean, I knew I’d throw myself in front of a shark for them, I knew they lived somewhere deep in my heart and lit up my insides, but I also knew that the fierce love I felt wasn’t entirely without condition.
The condition was that they would hurry up and grow.
I guess I’m not a baby person and I’m not really a toddler person either. The preschool years also felt a little fraught with doing. The kids were all so little all at the same time that much of their early childhood passed by in a blur of sleeplessness, monotonous routine and “doing the right thing”. It was tricky to find the time to feel any different.
The remarkable thing is that when your condition is to ‘grow’, then grow they do. By the time each of the kids reached school age, I felt like I suddenly had the space to breathe and with that space came enjoyment. Real, proper, honest-to-goodness enjoyment of my children.
Much of the early childhood years felt like treading water to me. Don’t get me wrong, I was the best water treader you’re ever likely to see. I was a conscientious parent, a fun parent, a loving parent and caring parent. But I wasn’t a present parent. Instead, I was a distracted parent; part of me was always off somewhere else, dreaming about what’s coming up next.
Well, the future arrived a couple of years ago and, let me tell you, it is rosy. Suddenly the whole parenting thing makes proper sense to me. Lately it’s not just about endless routine and physical demands: The bottom-wiping, constant-soothing, always-disciplining, don’t-eat-that, don’t-touch-that, stay-here, of-course-I’m-looking parenting that little kids demand and need.
I mean, it’s all still there, of course; we’ve many years to go. But suddenly parenting is more about gentle guidance and shared experiences. Listening rather than talking. My kids are (mostly) rational, (mostly) easy to talk to and (mostly) great fun. All those years of boundary setting, intense watching, talking about good and bad choices and role modelling kindness seem to be paying off. And I’m grateful, oddly grateful, for all those dark days and lit nights because they led me to here. They led me straight towards my golden kids and believe me, I’m no longer distracted by what’s coming up next. I pretty much don’t want it to come!
Did you feel like this straightaway with your kids or did it also take some work for you?
Jo @ CountryLifeExperiment says
Our oldest is 11 and our youngest is 5 1/2 (the half is very important!!) and I call it the golden years too. We are planning a European family adventure in the next 12 months too – it’s the perfect age for it.
Maxabella says
It really is, Jo. We had such an amazing time and the kids GOT IT. Any younger and I don’t think it would have been anywhere near the same. x
Mel @ loved handmade says
How wonderful Bron! This sounds awful, and I wouldn’t change a thing ever, truly, but Ifind myself imagining how easy things would be now had we not had a toddler in tow, I repeat, I’d NEVER want it any other way, but I can’t help imaging those golden years. Still, they’re not far away and I won’t wish away these precious times that will be over in a blink, I’m loving them with all my heart, but you know (sigh) those golden years..x
Maxabella says
Oh I know, I know. And I think it is completely normal for us to wish away at least one of our children most days. 🙂
Christine @ Adventure, Baby! says
I am LOVING hearing this!! I am still in the dark years of tantrums and I am so happy to know there is good to come.
Maxabella says
I think it’s important to be honest about these things, even if we can only manage it in hindsight. I doubt I would have been able to write about the “conditions” while I still felt that way, you know?
Zohra says
Hey Bron Im so happy for you. Your trip looked fab and the kids looked really ”golden”. Your post made me look back when mine were that age and how our holidays then were pure gold. The kids always talk about those days…These days my eldest is 21 and the next two will be doing their HSC this year and next. Plus the ”baby” will start high school this year. Not sure what I can call this age of parenting, any suggestions? Time sure does fly when you’re having fun 🙂
Maxabella says
So nice to hear from you Zohra ! I think the stage you are in could go either way – some kids seem to sail through adolescence and others I think would be a nightmare to parent! Either way, the one thing we know is that we parents always seem to prevail.
Sarah @theroutinequeen says
Oh god I yearn for the moment those golden days arrive! My son is now four and already it’s starting to get easier..the baby and toddler years? I’m with you on that one; not so awesome!
Maxabella says
They are coming, Sarah. Soon it will be not so much ‘golden moments’ (ie parenting 0- 5 year olds) more ‘golden years’.
JF Gibson says
YES Bron! So YES!
JF Gibson says
Oops in my excited state after reading your post I accidentally posted the comment too soon.
I meant to also so that YES I agree with every single word. It’s hard to admit that you don’t ‘enjoy’ parenting every minute. I felt exactly the same way. Now that our youngest is 7, I’m far more present, and enjoying each moment more. I’m not a baby or toddler person, but I’m a ‘little person growing into big person’ person. I so get it. Even, with our elder two in their teens, life is good. I’m so much more relaxed. I think it also has to do with me having space with finding me again. I know that a lot of parents feel they lose themselves during the early years of parenting and I certainly did. Now that I’ve found myself, I love my life, I love my kids and I love being a parent.
Sorry, ended up rambling!
Maxabella says
You were like me in that you had your girls all close together. I do wonder if that makes a difference. Would I have felt happier as a mum of littles if they had been spaced out more? We’ll never know! x
Melinda Hills says
Such a lovely and honest article and subsequent conversation! I am in the thick of it with kids 1, 5 and 8 but can see those golden years aren’t too far off!
Maxabella says
You really are in the thick of it, Mel. Anything I can do to help make more golden moments, just ask. x
OneSmallLife says
My two are Five and Seven, with the Five year old starting school this year I think THIS is the start of our Golden Years. Not that I haven’t enjoyed the years leading up to this, but yeah all of a sudden everything just seems that much easier, and the love just seems to be flowing more freely somehow. It’s bewdiful. x
Maxabella says
The school thing does seem to make a big difference :). I often wonder how the home schoolers manage, but then they obviously never felt the way I felt or home schooling wouldn’t have been an option! x
Julie @ Off to the park says
Lovely post Bron. My girls are now 7 and 4, and growing up too quickly for me. While I don’t miss the sleepless nights caused by our bubs reflux, wiping dirty bottoms or baby gates….they caused more problems than helped! At times I miss my girls being little bubbas. I get so clucky seeing someone pushing a newborn in a pram, but then I am happy we can do more with our girls now they are older. x
Maxabella says
I’ve not been clucky in such a long time. Every now and then I think… could I have? But I felt quite relieved when I got so bloody old that it wasn’t really an option any more. x
Erin says
Smiling here Bron, can just feel your enjoyment of this season in your life 🙂
The guidance, the listening, the glimpses into their beautiful souls are just such a beautiful part of being blessed by a life with children. Just smiling I am, and so pleased your UK/Paris trip went so smashingly.
Maxabella says
It really was smashing, Erin. Such a good, English word for it too! Very Enid. You know that every time I write a post like this I am thinking, “What will Erin say?”, don’t you? I always know you will have a unique perspective on things, given your extensive child rearing experience and capabilities. It is no surprise to me that you will have enjoyed the baby years? 🙂
AJ says
You articulate my feelings well. When my kids were 3 & 4 I remember the tide starting to turn for the better. Now they are almost 9 & 10 and we are no doubt revelling in our golden years.
Maxabella says
I have a feeling that the tight age gaps has a lot to do with how we feel, AJ. It is something that I am going to investigate after this! x
Kylie Purtell says
I totally reckon it plays a part. Anecdotally, people I know who have two close together (myself included) seem to find the toddler years harder than those who have much bigger gaps. I guess having two non-verbal, very dependant children at the same time will do that. But by the same token, now that we are past the absolute-dependancy stage, I am so glad I had my girls close together and wouldn’t change it for anything!
Elisha Ross says
I have moments where you have 100% described the feelings I have in this parenting bubble with toddlers and babies. 4,3 and 18 months here. Its just starting to get easier but I dont foresee a European holiday coming anytime soon, and Im going in deeper for #4 sometime this year. I look fwd to being in ‘the golden years’. Ill revel in my ‘golden days’ here for now, when they come around here every so often. I wouldn’t change a thing though. EVER!!
Maxabella says
Best of luck with #4, brave soul. The small age gaps are hard work, no doubt about it. Golden moments, not even days, are sometimes what got me through. No doubt the same is true for you. Panning for gold is never easy. x
Vicki @ Boiled Eggs & Soldiers says
Lovely post and I’m so glad that you all had a wonderful holiday together. We can certainly do more as a family now that the girls are 7 & 8, and we are out of the monotonous routines!
Maxabella says
Oh those routines… although I still run a pretty tight ship. Routines have always freed me in a bizarre kind of way. Happy new year to you and yours, Vicki. I hope you have a great year in QLD! x
Robyn says
Loved reading this Bron, it’s such a happy, positive post. I’m not quite there yet and I find it so comforting to read that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’m still very much in the ‘doing’ stage and I’ve come to the realisation that I’m not really a baby or toddler person either. I feel terribly guilty wishing time away, but I am really looking forward to that sweet spot 🙂
Lisa@RandomActsOfZen says
Bron, I know having one is nothing compared to three, but boy those early days were testing! I was constantly doubting and comparing, and more doubting……I was just so hard on myself.
Now that Bell’s 12, I look back and get a bit cranky with myself that I stressed so much. These years are definitely golden, and yes, flying by way too quickly.
We’ve had a long, lazy, arty holiday and I’ve been trying to drink in every minute.
Just quietly, my little is a constant chatterer, and sometimes that can feel as tiring as having a toddler 🙂
Your holiday looked glorious x
Maxabella says
So does yours! A ‘long arty holiday’ is just so good, Lisa. And, please, I don’t think it’s fair that a mum of one has to constantly refer to the fact that she has only one kid. Parenting has its ups and downs and the number of kids has nothing to do with that! x
Sueanne @ Call me Suzie says
Oh, this gives me hope. I feel that I am nearly there with the 7 & 9 year olds, but the one that is 3.5 really mixes it up a bit! I am similar – while I enjoy my kids and love them to pieces, I think I have always known in the back of my mind that once they are that bit older and independent/capable/whatever the description may be, I will ‘enjoy’ motherhood a lot easier.
We have been wanting to do a trip to Canada for Xmas since the second baby, but wanted to wait until all kids (including the third that we were waiting for to come along at some stage or another – she took a bit longer than the other two!) are able to go into ski lessons, not just creche. Hopefully that will happen this year, we just have to wait and see. By then the youngest will be four and a bit. She’s already a wilful child and game to hop on a kneeboard by herself (with someone on another next to her) or to jump on a set of double water skis with dad… she should be good for snow skiing lessons by December I reckon!
Maxabella says
I think you’ll be there with bells on! We definitely benefited from waiting to do our big trip until our youngest was old enough to appreciate it. They got SO MUCH out of it. x
Kate @ From Katie to Kate says
Oh Bron, I can say, I’ve arrived. First holiday with sleep ins, since having kids, in nine years! First consecutive days sleep ins. Weeks of them. Did you know Bron I’ve been having sleep ins for the first time in nine years as little mister six helps himself for breakfast? I know. Shut up, you say. Golden.
Maxabella says
Sleep ins! I so envy you. Mind you, I do have a job to go to, otherwise I’m sure I’d be getting loads more. As a night owl, I do appreciate a good lie in. Cheers to many more of them. x
Elisa @ With Grace & Eve says
I love this so much Bron. Exactly what I needed to read right now. Thank you xx
Maxabella says
You’ll be there before you know it, Elisa. x
Kylie Purtell says
I love this Bron. I too am so NOT a toddler person, they absolutely kill me! Especially when they are in the process of dropping their day sleep, like Zee is right now. She is a nightmare to take anywhere because of the tantrums but Punky? She is a joy to take out now, and she is really starting to be so enjoyable. We still have days where I want to tear my hair out because of those big four-year-old emotions, but for the most part I can see the amazing kid she is turning in to and I think in a year or two I will be feeling exactly like you are, with her. For so long I wasn’t sure if I was done after two, but last night I was thinking about this post, and thinking about life right now and I realised that I was actually starting to believe that I really am done. Another newborn would be amazing, I love newborns. But dealing with another toddler, when we are so close to leaving that stage (and nappies!) behind? I realised that I’m really ok with not going through all that for a third and final time. I love the life we are building with our two girls and I think another would throw the balance out. I can see this golden age of parenting that you’ve so beautifully illustrated just around the corner and it makes me appreciate everything we’ve been going through and really puts it all in to perspective. I don’t think the golden years would be as sweet if we didn’t have the harder years beforehand to get through. And I think it’s these golden years that will help you get through the teen years to come!
Maxabella says
Max has already started down the ‘teen years’ route (at 11, help me!), but I try to ignore that as much as possible. I will not let him take my golden years away from me. Not yet!!
The ‘am I done?” question is such a tricky one for many. I just KNEW, but I know that’s not always the case at all. I was very honest in a post I wrote about what it’s like having three kids, so maybe a read of that will well and truly put your mind to rest!! x
Robyna | The Mummy & The Minx says
We haven’t quite reached the golden years yet. The littlest is two and a half and not yet toilet trained. But I do see hot lovely those years will be when I look after my nieces and nephews.
Maxabella says
They are fleeting, just as the toilet training time is fleeting. Luckily! x
Leanne @ Deep Fried Fruit says
I love this. Mine are 16 and 12 and we also just returned from overseas. Being with them was an absolute delight. They are fun, thoughtful, considerate, committed and funny. So easy to be around. The best part is they just love being part of our family! That’s not always the case when your kids hit their tweens and teens. I guess I’ve always known my love for them is unconditional, but it seems their love for us is unconditional too. That is a beautiful feeling. I sure hope it continues …
Maxabella says
Absolutely loved reading this, Leanne. What lovely, grateful kids you have. x
Kathy says
I really think both would be good on a big holiday now – we last went overseas to Japan when our little guy was almost 4 and daughter 10.5 – it was pretty good but he was still too young. Also I reckon around 7 is when they really do remember a holiday – our little guy has certainly been some exciting places that he will never remember. Our daughter has been giving plenty of tween attitude but I have a feeling she is maturing into the young woman we want her to be and meanwhile we’re in the final stage of the whinge with our little guy (let’s hope). Things are looking golden.
Maxabella says
Yes, we were very happy that Lottie was 7 when it was time to go. I think any younger and they can’t quite take it all in. x
Emily says
I love this post! I have been treading water lately, but worse than that, I have been feeling OH SO GUILTY about feeling like I’m treading water lately. Doesn’t help that I got a great job offer and it’s just a few years too early. With my eldest starting school this year, suddenly I’m looking ahead to when they’ll both be at school, which feels unfair for little guy. He’s not even three yet! SLOW DOWN, MUM! I want some one-on-one time, too!
So this post is great. The time will come when I chat with my children instead of speaking at them or to them about why they can’t do this/shouldn’t do that/MUST GET DOWN FROM THERE RIGHT NOW!
Maxabella says
The time will definitely come. And don’t feel guilty for treading water. Imagine how bloody exhausting it would be if we were expected to swim the entire way!!! x
Amy says
This post is great! My two are 3 and 8 so while I’ve got a foot in the golden years, I still have good while till I’m there. Im also trying for #3 so yeah my future is treading that water for awhile yet! But this post is quite a relief to read and that I’m not alone with feeling that way.
Maxabella says
You are most definitely not alone. And while I’m in the golden age right now, my time here will be fleeting because the kids are born so darn close together! Already Max (11.5) is starting to fray around the edges. Teen years are coming!!! x
Shari from GoodFoodWeek says
Lol – I felt like things were getting easier with a one and a two year old {as in no more breast feeding during the day and my eldest being toilet trained}. I can’t wait until my youngest is seven – this all sounds devine. Although, I am enjoying where I am right now… and I’d like to continue to grow my family – so we might be back at square one shortly.
Mother Down Under says
So nice to read this!
Now that Lyddie is one I feel like we are heading towards the light!
Charlie is a lovely four and a half year old…I can already see the hard work we that we all did (especially during that three-nager stage) is paying off.
And with each passing day, Lyddie is less and less a baby and more and more a toddler. And while I know we have some challenges ahead of us, seeing her brother is a great reminder that those crazy years are followed by really enjoyable years.
And I am so glad you all had a fantastic holiday!
Karen says
This post resonates with me so much. My girl is 3.5 at the moment and while I love her dearly these 3 and a half years have been THE toughest (and can I say sometimes the most boring!) of my life. I try to “live in the moment” with her but I am longing for her to be a bit older. I do see glimpses now of what our relationship can be in the future and I am so looking forward to this time.
Vicki @ Knocked Up and Abroad says
I’m pleased for you. This sounds gorgeous and so lovely that you got to be so cosy and happy as a family away having the trip of your lifetime. I’m definitely in the treading water stage. It’s all hard work and feeling like there isn’t quite enough reward to go around. I know the time is speeding along and I won’t be here forever, but jeepers the golden years really sound sweet xx
Shannon @ Oh Creative Day says
Bron, I could cry tears of happiness for finding this article. Parenting has been kicking my behind of late. I came here to trawl your Screen-Free category to abate my feelings of guilt about all the Screen-Time my little lady has been getting whilst I try and settle her little brother. Then I found this. And it’s all gonna be okay. Big love xxxx
Janet aka Middle Aged Mama says
Oh I hear ya! I remember them, the golden years of parenting! And then come the teen years … I was determined that WE wouldn’t have any issues in the teen years … HA!!!! Happily though those issues are pretty much a thing of the past, with Mr 21 and Miss 19, so maybe THESE are the golden years of parenting?!