Does this photo make your heart thud a little? It does mine. This mass of cables is on the desk behind me at work and it’s been sitting there for a while now, waiting for someone to come and untangle its secrets. I can feel it breathing behind me and it’s making me nervous because, OMG, what if that someone is supposed to be me?
Now, I know deep down that I’m not the person responsible for all those twisted cables, but being a mother has made me jumpy. Because, you know, when you’re a mother EVERYTHING is your responsibility. You can’t just step over the tangles, you have to untangle them. You can’t ignore the spilt milk, you have to wipe up both the spilt milk and the tears that were shed over it. You can’t just enjoy the party because you are the goddamn party.
The amount of responsibility involved in family life is an unbelievable burden. It’s the thing we can never escape from, no matter how many hot baths and mum-moments they tell us to experience. I’ve driven thousands of kilometres away from my kids and still not managed to relax for a single second because no matter where we go, how things turn out back home is somehow up to us. We are in charge of life.
Responsibility is, I think, why dads get to be dads and mums are always the mum. It’s not that men can’t nurture as well as women. It’s not that they can’t clean a house or cook a meal or organise a schedule as well as a woman can. It’s because they don’t have to.
I’m married to a most enlightened man who helps around the house whenever he possibly can, but it’s the fact that he’s “helping” me that drives me a bit crazy. He’s not ever just doing, he’s always just helping. He’s allowed to ignore the ever-growing pile of whatever on the kitchen counter bench because he’s not the one who will be having to sort through the lot. He doesn’t worry when no one puts their hand up to run the movie night at school because it’s definitely not him who is avoiding eye contact from the P+C president. He has only a vague notion of the activities the kids do after school and absolutely no emotional investment in them whatsoever. Dads simply don’t feel the same responsibility for everything turning out well as a mums do. I don’t think it’s because men are not as conscientious as women, it’s just that they are not judged on the outcomes.
So, I’m trying to ignore that twisted mass of cables that’s rising up behind me and just get on with my job. But those cables are sitting there, waiting. Ready to pounce.
Does being in charge of life nearly kill you too?
Jodi Gibson says
OMG Bron! Why can you always take the words scrambling around in my head and make them make sense. I feel like this all too often. My hubby ‘helps’ where he can too, but it’s not the same as feeling the weight of responsibility. He can walk past the cereal left on the counter knowing that when he needs it, it will be already be back where it belongs. The kids do the same. It’s not to say they don’t have to do things or have responsibilities around the house, but they don’t carry the burden.
I’ve felt like running away from home so many times as an adult, more so than when a kid or angsty teen. Not because I don’t love my family, but just because sometimes that weight is so heavy and soul crushing.
Maxabella says
I honestly do fantasise about it sometimes. I’m sure the reality is simply missing the family like crazy, but in my head I am doing all kinds of (irresponsible) things. x
Ally says
Yes
Yes
And yes
Xx
Maxabella says
Oh yes! x
KezUnprepared says
Oh, honey – I FEEL you. I think we need to start acting/thinking more like dads and dads need to start picking up the slack and being more mum like! And that’s coming from a woman who is lucky to have such a plugged in husband/baby daddy!
I have said before to Mr Unprepared – “I just want you to use your own brain right now alongside mine! I am so tired of being the brain for everyone! If you could hold some information and feel responsible for it, I could maybe feel less stressed!”
Because we are the brains of the whole damn operation! My husband just asks me what’s happening. He just asks me how to do something. If the Little Mister is being tricky, he wants me to tell him how to handle it. AARGH.
I’ve been slowly trying to find ways to minimise my ‘Being Everyone’s Brain’ situation. Like putting up a weekly planner that my husband is 50% responsible for upholding/contributing to etc etc. I hold out hope. I’ve decided that this shall be the age of change in this situation – the feminist in me is determined!
Maxabella says
So familiar, Kez! Mind you, when I do mention the “take responsibility for something, the whole thing” Barty comes back with “Bins”. And it is true, I have never emptied a bin since I met him but grrrrrrrrr… x
Helen K says
I’m in a bit of a different situation to you, I suspect – in that I have the main working role, and my husband is home a couple of days a week. As such, I don’t have to worry about the very basic administrative aspects of life (cooking, basic cleaning, we share the washing, getting the kids to and fro events, except one day a week and weekends / Friday nights).
BUT – I still do more of the broader admin stuff – the bills, the planning to have breaks or meet with friends, the birthdays and celebrations, the future planning for schools, etc – and the volunteering (that is more than a one-off). And it is that oversight / manager role that is exhausting, I think – plus the re-clarifying of roles constantly (you know – I would have ASSUMED that you would have done this …. but how could I, when I was at work?). The constant feeling of ‘what has been forgotten?’ Has the meal I have planned been gazumped by my spontaneous cooking husband serving the same meal earlier in the week (and using the key ingredients), have we fairly balanced the trading between other parents to get the kids, when clashing timetables mean we need support? Or to keep on task – yes, you’ve decided to rebuild something, which is great, but clearly, that means mealtime has fallen to me (because they still need to be fed! Better whip something up now that I’ve returned home!) The organisation takes a lot – and I do think that falls back to women (plus, often we have higher expectations of cleanliness, which means even though we might have split roles, we often redo things that have been done.)
It’s also often uncelebrated work – there are accolades (which are definitely warranted) for my husband’s cookie and pizza making, for instance, but not normally for me remembering to return school forms on time.
Helen K says
I feel like I have my own blog post festering away on this. Hmmm.
Maxabella says
Indeed, I think you do! x
Maxabella says
It is clear that a household needs a manager… but surely splitting the workload would work better? You on food (with meal planning, so he just makes whatever is for Monday on Monday) and him on cleaning and so on and so forth. Oh, I don’t know. There seems to be no easy solution whatsoever, but I do think that a division of RESPONSIBILITY is achievable. I live in hope anyway!! x
Sarah @sarahdipity says
Oh I so get this! It’s a conversation hubby and I have had a few times since we became parents. He’s an awesome dad, very hands on but at the end of the day the responsibility for the majority of things automatically falls on me. I think it’s why motherhood can be so god damn exhausting because even when you have help it’s just that, help, and at the end of the day you always have to step back in. Oh and those cords would be totally doing my head in.
Maxabella says
Just running a house can be exhausting when we are also working and doing all the rest. I wish I could be satisfied with a messy environment but I just can’t. The walls start to close in for me! I truly believe that clutter impacts on emotion. x
Renee Mihulka says
I completely agree with all you have said and also dream of sharing the burden. Like you my hubby is hands on will do anything often without being told but I have to organise all social events, all kids activities, basically all scheduling. But then that’s because I care about that stuff but my hubby doesn’t. And I think that is the major difference between men and woman, men don’t care that much about the same sorts of things woman do – in general. I can imagine my husband staring calmly back at the P+C president feeling no guilt or compulsion to help out if he didn’t want to. He also wouldn’t mind if we didn’t catch up with friends or family as much. I know you said that’s because men aren’t judged on these things and maybe that is partly true, but partly, I think it’s just that they don’t care so much about cereal on the bench or dirty socks under the bed.
Maxabella says
Don’t you think that men are raised not to care and women the opposite? I might be mad, but I do hope that conscientiousness in domestic matters is not a genetic thing. I live in hope! x
Renee Mihulka says
You are definitely not mad! lol I am trying to think about my kids and whether I raise my sons not to care and my daughter to care. I don’t think I do. I’m actually quite tough on my sons. No way do I want them to apply the ‘Oh I can’t do it as well as you’ ploy when it comes to chores. My philosophy, if you can’t do it well, you obviously need more practice. Do it again!
I don’t think that conscientiousness in domestic matters is genetic, but I think that in general woman pay more attention to detail, while men think more big picture. So a dirty cup and lurking cereal box might drive a woman crazy but a man would only see that the house is in an acceptable state as a whole. And therein lies the problem: perspective.
But you are right in saying that if a person comes into a house and it looks like something out of ‘Hoarders’ it’s safe to say the woman bears more of the criticism than the man. This perception does have to change. Don’t ask me how though, I guess its just like anything, by moving one
sonrock at a time.Maxabella says
Yes, perhaps the different ways that men and women approach tasks does impact on how the domestic workload falls. I do wonder if the attention to detail thing is necessarily a female trait or if we just have it programmed into us from a young age. I think we are potentially all either ‘big picture’ or ‘detail oriented’ depending on how we are raised. I am clearly still on the fence about the whole ‘nature v nurture’ thing. I reckon if we expected men to keep a pristine environment, then way more of them would.
Elisa @ With Grace & Eve says
Oh my goodness! This! I have felt this so much since becoming mum to three. You summed that up rather brilliantly Bron – the “helping”, the responsibility, the potential judging. I’ve been thrown in so many directions mothering my three this past year that I feel like I’ve had to shed a bit of me just to fit all the must-do stuff and then a couple curveballs in. I miss my blog; grateful to read yours xx
Maxabella says
I miss your blog too, Elisa. Three is really tough (and don’t I know that!). There is such a LOT TO DO when you have three kids and I can’t imagine the mums who have even more. x
Erin says
In my earlier days of parenting I confess to at times feeling rather resentful about these differences between my husband and I. He had this inexplicable (to me) ability to switch off and I never could. Now days I just accept it as is.
PS regards those tangled cords, delegate, find someone else to do it and delegate {}
Maxabella says
We have to just accept or we will genuinely go crazy, I think. And, interestingly, the cords I just have to ignore. Not my place at all!! x
Alyson says
Well, yes. Hubs travels for work quite extensively as well, so the weight of responsibility grows…and that weight can turn into random panic attacks (that do actually feel like you’re dying) and shingles and other types of internal screams trying to get my attention in order to STOP…
Maxabella says
I feel for you, Alyson. I was just saying to a friend the other day how tough it must be for mums whose husbands go away all the time for work. It’s like a FIFO mum, I expect. Single mothering but not… x
Sammie @ The Annoyed Thyroid says
I talked about this with my psychologist once. She told me that she never said her husband was “helping”, because the very word help implies some sort of favour, but she always used to call it “doing his share!” As I’m not a parent myself, this is not something I’ve really considered, but reading this post has made me appreciate how responsible my mum must have felt (and probably still feels) as a single parent.
Maxabella says
Yep, it should definitely be ‘doing his share’. I take that approach… but it still ends up feeling like I’m being helped by my diligent and wonderful assistant. BUT I do realise that when he does step up and do things, part of me feels a bit like he’s stepping on my toes. Just can’t win! x
Lisa says
This will sound weird but unless my husband is home, I won’t drink any alcohol, especially while he is working away during the week. I am too scared my crazy kids while be injured, I am in ER and they can smell the alcohol (only the one glass hehe) and I will be done for all sorts of crimes. I guess the midwife/nurse in me will never go away.
Sometimes the responsibility of being a mum is just too much. Maybe you need a wife!
Maxabella says
I hope it’s ok that I had a little chuckle over your alcohol-free diligence. I’m always self-conscious about reeking like a brewery after a glass or two. I imagine it wouldn’t go down too well in the ER!! It really is hard to be a conscientious mum. x
Jess64 says
I’m the same, my husband works night shift and I refuse to drink anything when I know he is going to work.