Last week, the hubs and I turned 20. Well, we met 20 years ago and the 21 June has always been the date that’s counted for us. Our wedding anniversary on 3 March (14 years this year), is just an excuse for a nice dinner out.
So, 20 years, huh? That’s a long time in single years. You know, single years? Where a week with or without a new man feels like a year? When I met Bart at the ripe ol’ age of 24, I’d sworn off men because they were annoying. I’d officially been ‘on the shelf’ for all of 8 months (34 years in single years) and was just starting to believe my own hype: that all men really were only after one thing; that you couldn’t be yourself if you had a man; that men were basically idiots; that men were basically boys.
Then I met Bart.
We’ve barely spent a day apart in 20 years and in our younger years for months on end we spent 24 hours a day together exclusively. We’ve never had a single fight.
Oh, okay, we’ve had one major fight. 1999, in the middle of a square in České Budějovice in the Czech Republic after drinking ALL the beers and having nowhere to stay for the night and we were drunk and it was cold and I’d just fallen off some local kid’s bicycle which Bart thought was a stupid idea to ride drunk in the first place and I was too drunk to see that he had a really good point and we had nowhere to stay and we were drunk and it was cold.
Otherwise, we’re all good.
Everyone we know finds it fascinating that we never fight and we get grilled on it a lot. “Like, you NEVER argue?” they say. “As in, not even bickering?” they query. “Never, not even at Christmas?”
Not even at Christmas.
Then they want to know how it can possibly be that two people who love each other as much as we do can go for as long as we have without a fight.
This is what I tell them (this comes with a flashing PDA warning):
1. There’s nothing I’m as passionate about as I am about my husband (and I’m assuming he feels the same about me): not a darn thing. So if he does something that I don’t 100% agree with, well, I just wish him well.
2. Life isn’t half as serious as many people think. There has never been a crisis that we haven’t been able to laugh heartily through. This includes things like having three kids almost under 4, not sleeping for a decade and being shot at by the Mozambique border patrol.
3. Our friendship is everything. We have never disrespected each other to anyone. Never talked about him behind his back in a negative way. Never criticised him publicly. Never dismissed his opinion. Never.
4. On the other hand, we always talk each other up. We compliment each other in public. Talk positively about each other behind our back. Quote each other’s opinions. A lot.
5. We have a lot of really good sex. I think it’s important to mention.
6. We put each other first. This might be a little controversial as we do have three kids AND I’m a feminist, but I put my man first and he puts me first. Top of the list. Which means we present a united front to the kidlets and the world. I’d do anything for him and he for me.
7. We choose each other. I’d rather spend time with Bart than anyone else in the world (maybe the kids). We’ll say no to social engagements if a week is looking too busy and we know we won’t get much time together. Carving out time just to hang is so important. If you start each day looking for a way to surprise and delight your partner, you can’t really go wrong.
8. We agree to disagree. Bart and I actually have rather different opinions on a lot of things, but we’d rather be happy than right. We’ll argue passionately about our cause, but it never gets personal and it never gets nasty, it just gets interesting. I think the fact that we are both easy-going, open-minded people helps a lot in this department.
9. We live within our means. If financial woes are the one of the things couples fight most about, then it makes sense to manage our money well. We are not extravagant people and, most importantly, we agree on the things we want to spend our money on. That would be food, mortgage, utilities, kids, entertaining and travel, pretty much in that order.
But I think the crux of the whole thing comes down to this:
10. We trust each other wholeheartedly. I have never once thought that Bart was doing something to deliberately hurt me and he can say the same of me. I can’t even get my head around that ever happening. If you don’t trust your partner in this same way, I can see how you’d get your back up and want to fight about things that may or may not be actually happening. Either way, I reckon you need to talk about what trust means and build it back up slowly but surely.
One last thing: just because we don’t fight, doesn’t mean I think for a second that a good relationship means never, ever fighting. Not at all. But if you’re going to fight, at least learn how to fight fair and don’t wait too long to say sorry, even if it’s hard, even if it’s just to say, “I’m sorry we disagreed.”
Do you fight with your partner? Do you see it as a negative or positive thing?
Kit@lifethroughthehaze says
Bron
I love that you guys are so in love and happy! There is a lot I can learn from this.
C xoxo
Maxabella says
Every relationship is different, but I do believe that to work on a relationship, we need to work on ourselves first. And that means both halves of the couple – one person cannot do it alone. x
Sonia Life Love Hiccups says
I love this hard Bron. You guys are so incredible meant to be. I’d like to say Carl and I never fight.. but we do fight at times…. but we always always love each other relentlessly like no man’s business. You guys are an inspiration hun. A true marital inspiration xx
Maxabella says
Carl and you are BEAUTIFUL, which just proves my final point: fights work just fine for some. x
Seana Smith says
I LOVE this Bron… how good to celebrate the good. I’m very proud of Paul and myself… we’ve also been together for 20 years, 20 and a half, and yes our oldest son IS 19 and a half…. We are kind to each other, and pretty tolerant and we know how to apologise…
I LOATHE seeing people fight… what is the point… I don’t have to be right all the time (which is very handy) and neither does Paul.
I cannot say that I never have a rant about him – thanks to my friend for listening last Sunday and she knows as well as I that it’s all steam and hot air.
My folks fought and bickered and argued through 49 years of what my dad variouslt called ‘unholy deadlock’ and ‘armed neutrality.’ It was hideous to grow up with. So very very grateful that we have a peaceful and respectful relationship… and so glad to read your celebration of same.
Now, how to achieve it with the Teen Who Knows Everything And Is Always Right #patience #serenity
Maxabella says
You really do work so beautifully. I think our hassles with our kids only proves the point that it takes two!!! x
Amy@HandbagMafia says
We are lovers not fighters- this resonated with me so much xx
Maxabella says
MJ respekt.
Sarah @sarahdipity says
I think this is so great! Sometimes I get a bit over people who insist on whinging about their husbands/wives..I don’t really get it. I read an article many years ago that said something like ‘imagine if we became our partners biggest fans, if we all built our partners up and become their head cheerleader’ and I though damn straight, that’s exactly how it should be! Good on you and your hubby for doing just that!
Maxabella says
I think it deserves celebrating. I worried I might sound smug, but really, I’m more grateful than smug!!
Lisa | The Notorious MUM says
Ah, I’ve got a Bart, and he’s got a Bron, if you know what I mean (probably not). But I get it, and I know we’re lucky, and here’s to many, many more years of friendship and fun. Well, that’s the cheesiest line I’ve ever written, but, you know …
xxxx
Maxabella says
That really was cheesy for you!! But love, sweet, sweet love, brings it out in a person. x
Rachel says
So gorgeous Bron, what a beautiful couple you are x
Maxabella says
Every day I am grateful. x
lisa says
My mantra: be happy instead of “right”. I feel the same about my hubby. My best friend through thick & thin. We have one huge fight once a year about something stupid, then we are good for the other 363 days of the year. A lovely post Bron.
Maxabella says
A good blow up is good for the soul no doubt!! x
Bron from Flat Bum Mum says
I loved reading this. It reminds me of that article Brad Pitt wrote about Angelina Jolie and how changing his attitude towards her changed their relationship. How lovely to be so happy together after 20 big ones!
Maxabella says
Attitude is so important and who we are as individuals is everything else. To work on your marriage, both people need to work on themselves first. x
Sammie @ The Annoyed Thyroid says
I love this so hard. You guys are the loveliest. We do bicker and occasionally cross words but it never lasts long because we’re better at loving than fighting and the thing that makes us both the happiest is making each other happy. I love every single one of those nine points, because I love love!
Maxabella says
That’s such a nice way to put it, Sammie: “The thing that makes us happiest is making each other happy.” I haven’t actually been unhappy UNHAPPY for 20 years because Bart won’t let me. x
cathie says
What a sweet post! I could tell how much you love each other just by seeing you together a couple of years ago in Melbourne. and the way you talk about him…awww.
We don’t fight, mine is so easy going that he never gives me the chance to argue. We have been together nearly 18 years and I couldn’t see life without him and especially with anyone else.
Love is all about listening, knowing to comprimise when needed and being the best darn team ever!
x
Maxabella says
You bet! I am loving this celebration of love we have going on here. So often it’s about how ‘normal’ it is for couples to fight and be a bit miserable, so this is bloody refreshing. x
Amanda Kendle says
Oh this sounds wonderful, Bron, and very inspiring. Perhaps there is hope!
PS I went to České Budějovicein the summer, so no snow, which is perhaps the only reason it was one of the few places my then boyfriend and I *didn’t* argue! 😉
Maxabella says
We were there in summer too, Amanda. Snow or no snow, we were hating on each other in that square that night!!! x
Deborah stoddart says
I agree with you 100%, my husband and I have been together 20 years as well. 11 years together before children. I wouldn’t swap a day.
Maxabella says
LOVE. x
Sandra Kelly says
29 years and counting… My husband says we don’t argue because he stays calm… I just lean over, kiss him on the forehead and say “Of course that’s the reason dear” 😉 ha!
Maxabella says
Ha! Love it! And I think Bart and I would have a similar encounter. He is definitely the calm one around here… or so he says. x
Melissa@All Around Oz says
We could almost be twins….been together 20 years, started dating on 21st June. Married 15 years on 2nd June. And we don’t fight. We did a bit when we were first together because I thought I was the boss but now I’ve mellowed…….a lot!
Maxabella says
Twins! I think you’re the older twin. But twins!
Maxabella says
And by “older” I just mean you were married first!!! Thought I’d better clarify that!!!
Melissa @ All Around Oz says
Ha ha….I’m sure I am the older twin in marriage years and other years too!
Erin says
Having seen the two of you together I’m not at all surprised to read this 🙂
We’ve been married 23 years and have rarely argued, could count how often on one hand. We’re still madly in love, which immensely irritates some family members and inspires others.
Maxabella says
You are an inspiration through and through. I’m not sure why love irritates people so much, but it does!!!
Mel Roworth says
Happy anniversary! I adore a true love story.
My husband and I do argue sometimes, it’s always over silly things. Tiredness and frustration are a key factor and once we’ve come to our senses we kiss and make up.
Mutual respect goes a long way in marriage and you two obviously have a lot of that.
Maxabella says
And so do you two, Mel. Like I said, arguing doesn’t mean you don’t have a good marriage. Everyone has their own style of being in the world. x
Janet aka Middle Aged Mama says
What a great post! I especially love your last point, because I think it all boils down to that – knowing that your partner would never ever do anything to deliberately hurt you. Hubster and I have been married for 26 years. We’ve had a few arguments in our time, but it’s extremely rare these days … and usually because we are tired and cranky and half the time we end up laughing instead!
Maxabella says
An argument that turns into a laugh is a winner, Janet. x
Jovana says
This was truly liberating to read. My hausband and i have been together for 15 years marries for 12 and we also never fight…and are crazy in love, but I almost never share that because it comes of either as bragging or lying…and it is the second of the two that irritates me…so many friends around me just dont think there are such relationships. I think the key was the thing you say about how we are as individuals…i often tell my husband that he ciuld have married anyone and had a great marriage….
Maxabella says
So funny, Joanna, because I say exactly the same thing to Bart. I do think that more women than men seem to have the qualities that make being married easier, so we are lucky to have married a good one.
I know my post seems a bit ‘smug’. I get that. But I”ve always felt far more grateful than smug. I feel lucky every day. Cheers to your wonderful marriage. x
Rachel says
That’s really lovely. I wouldn’t say my partner and I *have never* had a fight, but the ones we’ve had I could count on my hands. And they were all an indication something was going seriously wrong…. Or…. That one of us was pregnant (I stomped out of baby bunting in a huff because he wanted a Stokke pram. It looks like a flipping office chair. I’m still not convinced my tantrum was unwarranted. )
It’s funny though that we rarely argue, but we also rarely agree on things. But point 1 is how it works. We work it out because we matter more to each other than anything we disagree on.
And we never fight about money. I don’t care about money enough to fight about it. We also work things through and while we have a roof over our head, clothes in the drawers and food in the fridge, there’s nothing worth getting upset about.
Maxabella says
Agree with everything you’ve said, Rachel (including the Stokke tantrum, totally justified!). x
Vicki @ Knocked Up & Abroad says
Oh this is so lovely and really insightful. It’s so nice to hear about such love and respect. I wish more couples could play the game like you guys.
Mr Vick and I fight but we’ve gotten better at it over the years. Initially it was all fairly dramatic and there was a lot of make up sex. These days with three kids under 5 make up sex just isn’t possible all the time so we’ve had to learn to communicate more clearly, more gently and more patiently. I think that’s a really great thing. Our relationship is thriving for it. Also we call time outs. If things are feeling a bit deep or we’re getting too ratty we call time out and revise the conversation after five or twenty minutes of cooling off. It’s a winner that one too xx
Dawn says
I LOVE this. My husband and I rarely fight and if we do 99.99999 percent of the time it’s my fault. We’ve learned to fight well which basically means him walking away to let me cool off then I’ll come and apologise. This is huge for him because he’s a problem solver but he accepts my hot-blooded Italian temper (usually due to hunger) and gives me the space I need. I adore it when couples say they are one another’s favorite people- I could not agree with this sentiment more!
Jenni from Styling Curvy says
Bron it’s like you e written about the relationship between my huz and I. We have had a spat or two over his family over the 24 years we’ve been together but it’s the only thing that we have cross words over. I cringe when I see other couples being rude to each other and gate it when friends find putting down their beloved funny.
Respect. It comes down to respect, if you have that then you’ve got each other’s backs. My huz is the keeper of my story (our story) and his heart beats in mine…love is possible xxx
Emily says
What a fabulous post! I love love love love love it.
I’m not going to claim that hubster and I have never fought. We have. But I will say that most of it was in the early days. As high school sweethearts, we both had some growing up to do, and it didn’t quite happen at the same time. But we got through it!
We’re quite different – I don’t think we’ve ever voted the same way in an election – but we absolutely have each other’s backs. I met a new colleague of hubster’s the other day and he was asking all about the blog and the other things I’m working on. Blogging can be – searching for the right word here. Misunderstood? Derided? Not taken seriously? – sometimes so I don’t usually bring it up, but it was clear that Cam’s not only told his colleagues what I do, but that he’s proud of it, too. I had a heart-full-love-my-man moment right then.
Maxabella says
I do love a childhood sweethearts story, Em. And he’s a good one, your husband. x