At what point do we agree that nobody is sugar coating parenting anymore? Because despite the schtick that mothers don’t “really tell it how it is”, these days that’s pretty much all we do. Mothers across the land are hanging out their dirty washing on the interwebs, ‘mum moments’ merrily flapping in the hot air.
It’s a mystery to me how any new parent can claim to have had no idea what parenting would ‘really be like’, when there is a barrage of information-slash-confessions being hung up each and every day.
Parenting is hard.
Parenting is relentless.
Parenting is exhausting.
Parenting is impossible without a glass of whine.
Conversely, people seem to have a real issue with pretty Instagram accounts and blog posts with lovely pictures of mothers happily playing with their kids. In fact, every now and then those same Insta accounts and blogs have a mini guilt-trip meltdown and add a random post about the horror of their life as a parent and how they choose to ‘edit’ their blogs into their happy places. See, even the pretty people can’t seem to stop adding their washing to the online.
But there’s a balance, I think. It’s an ‘overall’ balance that no single person can achieve. The online community needs each other to tell the whole parenting story. Some people are very public about the things that go wrong in life and want to tell you about it over a cuppa. Others are more private and want to show you their smiling photo album. That’s just the way people are and keeping it real online means that both kinds of updates are ‘real’. So while we’ve got our Constances talking about the hard-grub side of parenting, we also need the picture-perfect mums reminding us about the other.
Really good stuff happens when you’re parenting and it’s not showing off or sugar-coating life to acknowledge that fact. In fact, parenting is bloody awesome. It’s purpose and joy and hope rolled into a sticky hug that leaves fingerprints all over the walls. It’s getting to live with people who aren’t jaded, fed up, judgey or cynical. Parenting is feeling wise when you help with the homework and needed when your kisses take away hurt.
It’s also feeling deep satisfaction when you hang the washing on the line in a perfectly colour-coordinated rainbow and your kid pegs in the last peg so you Instagram the shit out of that moment because sometimes parenting can be very photogenic. Sharing moments like these isn’t being unrealistic or covering up the negatives of parenting. It’s just a moment.
We talk about the ‘warts and all’ of being ourselves online, being ‘authentic’, but we forget that the ‘warts’ are one part of things and the ‘all’ is quite another. Parenting is like that: a moment of sheer hell and lots and lots of moment of Insta-worthy bliss. Whatever part of their life people decide to talk about online is entirely up to them. I won’t judge them for being ‘inauthentic’ just because they don’t walk out of their house wearing their pyjamas. I won’t judge them for only wanting to share online their public face, not their private details. Why should online be any more ‘authentic’ than life?
People online are just people. Wearing 10 year old leggings with a hole in the crotch around the house one minute and fully made up in designer gear the next. I don’t expect to see most people out in public in their holey pants, so they shouldn’t feel bad about only photographing their designer duds for their Insta account. We show what we want to show, both online and in life.
We all present ourselves to the world in the way that makes us feel most comfortable, so don’t fret about the edited story that you’re telling online. Whether you edit for laughs, or you edit for empathy, or you simply edit for the pretty, I get that it’s your way, it’s your thing. Be okay with your editing style. In other words, keep it real.
Do you ever question how ‘real’ you are online? And do you think that’s kinda strange?
Erin says
Oh well said!! I’ve been thinking about this again just lately when one family member told me another family member was complaining again about how my blog isn’t ‘real’. I’d actually felt like I needed to do a post on “this is only snippets, my life is tough too” but then I thought, surely people are discerning enough, intelligent enough to know that and if not, click away 😉
Anyhow gave it all far more thought than the issue deserves and realised I’m a ‘Susie Sunshine’ person anyhow in real life, generally I’m an annoying Pollyanna (that second family member has told me my Pollyanna attitude is annoying). Generally I not only snap the happy, but I think the happy, except for that possum that has taken up residence in my kitchen, that’s a stretch 😉
So I think you’ve nailed it, what we show online is a reflection of your style/approach offline too.
As always rather happy to see your posts 🙂
Maxabella says
You ‘think the happy’ – I love that. More and more I see that blogs are just an attitude, not a statement of fact. x
Emily says
Brilliantly said. As usual. I have moments of nailing it, and moments of not. I’m generally happy to share either. I won’t share the worst bits, and there are certain elements of my life that are a total no-go zone online. If that makes me ‘inauthentic’ or ‘faking’, so be it. As you say, the balance is out there. Love this post hard. x
Maxabella says
I just think it’s ridiculous that we would even think that having a blog means we have to treat the whole world like our very BFF. Just no. x
Jodi Gibson says
Great observation Bron. I think you sort of find your ‘own’ online, and I find the blogs and friends I have on social media are a good balance of both, which keeps it real – as life is full of both. I must admit, I am over the ‘how to’ parenting sites, but I think that’s only because I’ve read (or written) it all by now. Where I am is just experiencing and taking it day by day. Now my kids are getting older, I have that luxury and I’m grateful.
Maxabella says
I’m over them too. Mainly because they are all so generic. It’s just no exciting. x
Kez @ Awesomely Unprepared says
This has to be my favourite post on this topic ever. So well put!
I think I’m a mix of things. I don’t think of it as ‘today I will be perfect mummy/blogger’ and tomorrow I will be ‘warts and all’. I just post whatever I’m feeling. I like to think a balance is achieved. I can be very private with certain aspects of my life and others, I bare for all to see. Sometimes I’ll catch myself thinking “I’ve posted a few ‘perfect life’ things lately. Hope people don’t get the wrong impression.” but then I kick that thought to the kerb because I know it won’t be long until I’m bitching about something else. I’m just being me! An online version, but no less real!
I do know of some people whose Insta accounts look nothing like their real lives and that can be a bit icky when it feels like they’re not being authentic, but I think on the whole, everyone is just doing their thing and without that diversity, we wouldn’t get the whole picture – both extremes can be so inspiring.
Maxabella says
Thank you for saying that, Kez. I agree it can be disconcerting, but I guess I don’t go browsing through Insta looking for a new buddy. So it doesn’t bother me when someone creates something lovely that isn’t necessarily real. You know? x
Vanessa Jane Rowse says
I love this! ! I’ve been told often that I have a perfect Insta life and it annoys me no end. Not all my stories are mine to share and it simply defies reason to think anyone (let alone me) has a perfect life. We show what we want to show, they way we choose too. As you so wisely observe, we do this not just on Insta but also on FB and in real life. x
Maxabella says
It actually bothers me that people don’t look beyond the Insta image before being so judgmental. Before judging someone based on Instagram, I would probably click over to their blog and see what they have to say there first. Anyone who did that on your profile would get to know you straight away, Vanessa. The ‘perfect Insta life’ is just that: an insta life, not a real one. x
Lisa Barton-Collins says
Love this post, I absolutely agree. I’ve had other bloggers tell me that I should be sharing every detail from the messier parts of my life, and besides the fact that it’s annoying being told what to write on my own blog, they are just wrong. Everyone gets to choose how much they are comfortable sharing, and as Vanessa said, it’s not always my story to tell. I’d rather show off the sparkly bits, thanks very much.
Maxabella says
And sparkle those sparkly bits do, Mrs BC. I think it’s time to cull the notion that just because you write online you have to go naked. x
Eliza says
Really good thoughts. I tend to be one of the ones who get upset about the sugar coating but this has made me see it differently,
I find it hard when people are unsympathetic to those having a tough time though. Having been through tough times (who hasn’t) it was so isolating when I got a whole heap of “what’s your problem?” And no “I’m sorry”.
Maxabella says
I agree that it’s a very fine line, Eliza. I definitely have no time for people without empathy, BUT I don’t think people have to be the same to be able to empathise with each other. Just because Pollyanna is writing about the joyful parts of life, doesn’t mean she can’t be of comfort to someone going through something bad. I don’t understand people who try to get others to gloss over life’s tougher moments. I’m sorry you went through that. x
Eliza says
P.S. i think new parents don’t know how hard it’s going to be because they dont read about it until they’re in it. At least that’s what it was for me.
Maxabella says
Agree! I was the same. But that was 12 years ago. These days I reckon you’d have to have your eyes closed while reading online to miss it!! Or maybe online is more isolating than I think.
Vanessa says
I think my online life is pretty representative of my life. There are some things I don’t talk about online, but that’s more of a privacy thing than a “show only the best” thing, if that makes sense. Basically my filter is about others, not about me. I like to hope people show what they genuinely want to & not what they feel they “have” to online.
Maxabella says
That’s a really good point, Vanessa. I agree that people get really caught up in fads and expectations online and the recreate that without actually considering if it’s “me” or not.
Lisa Wilson says
Love this – yep, sometimes you just NAIL that perfect insta dinner pic of your fancy surf and turf Valentines dinner and as you post it you think (with more than a little glee) what an awesome wanker I am!! And then there are other days where you have crap on toast for dinner and I insta that shit too – parenting life is always a blend of perfection and shit isnt it?
xxx
Maxabella says
That’s life to a tee – perfection plus shit = life. x
Helen K says
You know, for all the things I overthink (I could write a book!), one thing I don’t overthink is whether I’m portraying an accurate view of myself on line. (and yay to me! – because I really could worry about this. I’m quite pleased with myself for realising this – thanks for writing the post to prompt this realisation, Bron!)
I figure it should be pretty clear that I am sharing what I want to share. I don’t fabricate any aspects – I might exclude some parts because a) it’s boring b) it’s not my business to share something about other members of my family or c) I don’t want to acknowledge / share everything. And that’s ok. If some one wants to show their life as a series of amazing achievements, well, I might feel jealous or judgmental (is it really that good??) momentarily but then I realise it’s just me, and I’m seeing what they want to portray. And that’s fine. I think it’s taken me a while to realise this – over time, you come to a point of seeing through a lot of it, and seeing what’s really going on. And a lot of it is good – some not so good – but, again, its what people are prepared to share.
Maxabella says
I think every view online is an accurate view, somehow. It a part of people, not their whole. x
Julie says
I think unless you instagram every second of every day then everyone is editing. I think the same with blogging. But isn’t all of life about editing?
I work in retail, I edit my thoughts and words with almost every customer. I edit my life when the checkout assistant asks me how I was. Do I tell her my uterus is attempting to murder me. Or do I say fine thanks?
I think as long as we do not fall into the trap of thinking that the lives/images are real and or complete then that is okay.
Maxabella says
Yes, agree, Julie. Editing is part of life – all of life, not just online. I’m not sure when everyone decided that online needed to be ALL of someone. It seems like a pretty big ask, when you think about it. Nobody has ever shared their all.
Jo @ CountryLifeExperiment says
There are some aspects of my life that I really don’t talk about online. Often because it’s not my story to tell, or for ethical reasons, I cannot talk about it, or sometimes I just want to keeps somethings to myself. I don’t think that this is inauthentic. What I share online is a reflection of me and how I see myself and my life, but it doesn’t show everything. I don’t believe that people think that I am sharing my whole life online, and I don’t think many bloggers share their entire life online either.
Interestingly, when I talk to teenagers (my students) many of them genuinely believe that what they see on social media etc is someones entire life, not just the “highlights reel” (after all, cleaning the bathroom or doing homework is hardly exciting stuff so they don’t tend to appear on instagram), and they compare their whole life to another persons’ highlights reel. Unsurprisingly their life just doesn’t stack up to what they see. I regularly have this conversation with them and I think it is an important conversation to have.
Maxabella says
It’s definitely a worrying trend with kids. I tell my own that no one shares everything online, just as we don’t share everything offline. Why should online have to reflect every little detail of someone’s life? But all the more reason to remind our kids to focus on doing their own thing and just enjoy what others share for what it is. Nothing much to do with them in the end. x
Brandi says
I certainly know that all this online stuff is only a snapshot, but I unfollowed someone on instagram just yesterday because I just couldn’t take the perfection anymore. It’s me, I know! I’m just in a messy, difficult time myself–midsummer with all the kids home and no vacation and more than I can handle (whine whine whine)–and I can’t get my two year old to keep clothes on most of the time, let alone matchy outfits with accessories, and I don’t need to see so-and-so’s young children decked out with matching sunglasses and hats in beautiful vacation spots every frickin day. I just need the real right now. It’s where I am.
Maxabella says
Maybe part of it is finding what’s ‘real’ at any given time in our own life, Brandi. I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time of it. Toddlers are bloody hard!! x
Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me says
Agree with your post, but you know what I’m a bit over also, is websites dedicated to making sure we woman do our best to live the best lives we can and have ‘me time’! Sometimes it’s just not possible for whatever reason. Aren’t we all trying to just live the best life we can? Maybe I’m being cynical.
In regards to ‘real’ – I think we’re all posting what we think is real life for us, and for some real is pretty much a picture perfect tidy house, outfits and kids, that’s just their real, it’s not mine but that doesn’t mean it’s not real or true life. And some people ARE just always immaculately dressed and have a house that is like a show home and they shouldn’t be bagged on for that. Also, I was talking to my sister the other day about parenting now and how there is WAY too much info out there and as a result WAY more stuff to worry about compared back to when I was a first-time mum – FB was only just new and we weren’t told what to do and how to do it. Those were the days. xxx
Maxabella says
Everybody’s ‘real’ is different. I think that if people are posting the face they present to the world on any given Tuesday, that’s ‘real’, if you know what I mean.
As for the ‘best self’ bullshit. I’m calling it too. I’m can’t believe the unnecessary pressure that ‘me time’ puts on a woman. Even that ‘me time’ has become a ‘thing’. Sometimes all the time you need is time to have a cuppa or time to shave your legs and you’re good to go. The whole ‘best self’ thing seems to imply that you have to shelve your kids and family life in order to be ‘you’ and that’s ridiculous. It misses the point entirely. x
Anna Brophy says
Ha! Love ‘instagramming the shit’ out of the good stuff. Regardless how much I ‘knew’ about parenting, still did not comprehend how it would actually feel; the good and the bad. Great that we can all share the ride; however we choose.
Maxabella says
We’ll never really get how it feels, even when we’re in it. Being able to express your life online the way you want to is surely a priority. x
Mel Roworth says
When it come to happy snaps I can honestly say, I want to capture those beautiful moments, I want to remember that split second of perfection, reminders that sometimes I got it so right. Often I’ll share, because I’m proud of that moment.
I’m not about to whip out the camera when my 4 yo decides to urinate on the rug or my 2 yo vomits all over the supermarket floor. I’m happy for time to remove those warts.
When we step out of our homes (in our best dress), we choose what to project. -that loud belch I just made in my own kitchen is not for public display. We censor our selves however we see fit.
Why is it any less real because it’s on the internet?
Maxabella says
My point exactly. And cheers to the mums who photograph their kid doing the rug wee, but that’s not the only way to be ‘real’. x
Christine @ Adventure, Baby! says
Yes so very true Bron! I choose to share moments that bring me happiness, and capture them to look back on to remember the good rather than the bad. I think it’s similar with life in general – can you imagine if we went around whining to everyone we met about what was shit in our lives when they ask you how your day is going? We all filter what we’re saying and how we present our lives, both on and offline, in my opinion.
Vicki @ Knocked Up & Abroad says
Well said. I think people have different truths and different realities and they change from moment to moment, as you’ve said. There is nothing wrong with showing all of it or just slices. Sometimes I worry if I complain too much but then I try and balance it out with some pretty pictures and laughs. Either way, it’s my space, if people aren’t happy with the content they don’t have to read it. It’s as simple as that isn’t it really? x
Amy @ HandbagMafia says
If anything, I’m more shy in real life. Unless there’s wine. But otherwise, it’s too hard to be more than one person. Love the pictures you’ve painted in this piece, though 🙂
Kirsty @ My Home Truths says
I’ve always been an oversharer and I honestly can’t be bothered being anything other than real, either online or in real life – I’m too busy coping with everything else!. Having said that, even though I pride myself on being honest and in sharing my truths, I don’t share everything. There are thoughts and feelings I don’t share with anyone – that’s just as true and real and honest as anything else in life. Love how you nail this stuff time and again Bron x
Karin @ Calm to Conniption says
It is bloody awesome, you are right! Great post as always. I think I am very true to form. I couldn’t not be as I get all squirmy and feel gross if I even cut back how I normally talk in real life, online. I have seen a few people with a little sugar but it doesn’t happen as often as it did.
The support online for new parents is amazing! Even though we live in a world of it, there are still so many outside of the blogosphere that aren’t aware of the many mamas they have in their boat.
Suzy @ In The Lyons Den says
Loved reading this! You hit the nail on the head. What is real is so different to everyone and how people choose to express it online is so different. I never analysed it that much as I only recently started blogging and getting into reading other blogs (I know I have been in some strange time warp). A while ago I got stressed that my Instagram account “wasn’t good enough” or my writing was “good enough” but what it comes down to is, this is me. And what they are doing is them. There is the fear of no one liking it, but that is our own issue to work through. I’m a bit of an oversharer but I feel I write what I feel and the pictures are real and that’s good enough for me.
Tash @ Gift Grapevine says
I spent too much time worrying what others thought of me in my teens so go for more a “whatever works” mantra now. I blog and IG about things that I love and make me happy – hopefully they make others happy too. If people don’t like it there’s plenty more things on the interwebs to see. If people want to post picture-perfect posts on their IG feed that’s fine by me (and I’ll appreciate all of the prettiness) but I draw the line at feeds not disclosing products or services they are being paid to promote. Disclosure needs to be real and non-disclosure bugs me big time! xx
Tammy says
Love this post Bron. Non judgement I dont question my online authenticity much these days and like you accept that what others share is about them. x