I’ve decided I’m tired of second-guessing my parenting all the time. Bone weary. I think because I write about parenting, I edit parenting, I live parenting, I’m SUBMERGED in parenting that sometimes my periscope just isn’t working. I shouldn’t need a periscope at all; I’ve simply got to come up to the surface.
Fact is, parenting isn’t a lifestyle choice. It’s just life. A surreal comidramadey that can either knock you sideways or remind you to stay on your feet. I always prided myself on not falling into the hovering helicopter parenting trap – I’ve been a free-ranger since day one – but now I’ve realised that I became a periscope parent instead.
It’s all rather ridiculous really. We’ve made parenting into a ‘thing’, a verb – ‘to parent’, ‘mumming’ – and it’s not. We are not here to ‘develop’ our children into successful people. They are already successful people, growing as they do. Nurtured by us, yes, but probably quite capable of nurturing themselves too, only we don’t let them because we are so anxious to ‘parent’ them.
“Anxious” sums it up really well, doesn’t it? There is this new belief that parenting a kid means it’s normal to be anxious about them all the time. It’s proof that we are doing a good job, that we care. Feeling guilty when we’re apart from them, worry over their developmental milestones, their ability to make friends, their sleep patterns. Are they resilient enough, are they warm enough, are they nice enough, are they good enough. It’s normal, right? It means you’re a good parent.
It’s not and it doesn’t. Frankly, it’s crazy that we would even believe for a second that it’s okay to live life in a permanent state of excess worry. Despite being much more relaxed about it all than many of the parents I know, I’m still exhausted by overthinking every little thing about and for my kids. Being submerged in their emotions until I’m unable to remember my own. I’m drowning down here and you know what? I bet all that my excess parenting is doing for my kids is absolutely nothing at best and absolutely everything at worst.
Maybe my kids don’t notice, or maybe they do, but I do know that I have noticed which means it’s time to stop with the periscope parenting. I recognise that I’m too deep into my kids’ lives and that means I’m unable to see out well enough to properly guide them. I’ve got to get out of my kids’ way and allow their life to happen as it will happen, without constantly parenting at it.
What does this mean? For me it means less trying to solve all their problems, less panic if they happen to be unhappy, less structuring life to be neater and easier for me and more allowing them to sort out their own stuff. Instead of building scaffolding, lately I think I’ve been a bit too busy mortaring bricks.”What do you think we should do about it?” is going to be my new refrain. I used to parent this way when the kids were younger, but somehow I’ve lost my way. I’ve gone too deep.
Basically it means raising our kids to know that the business of life is pretty much up to them. I’ve always said that we parent to raise kids who are respectful, responsible, resourceful and kind. I think I’m winning at the respectful and kind parts, but I’ve neglected the responsible and resourceful elements. Parenting from below the surface will do that to a person.
Are you down in the depths trying to see up like me?
Jodi Gibson says
I couldn’t love this any harder Bron. This is exactly where I’m at too. I like to think that as a parent I am simply a compass. Here to guide my children as they grow. I want them to know I’m their north, whenever they need me, and for the rest of the time they are simply kids growing into adults.
Maxabella says
It’s comforting to know that you feel the same way, Jodi. I think I feel a bit like I’ve let myself down, but if I’m in company like you then I feel soooo much better!!! Let’s support each other to back away slowly… or quickly! x
Shannon @ Oh Creative Day says
Mad respect to you, Bron. It reminds me of some words spoken to me by a wise teacher- “it’s not what you do for your children, but what you allow them to do for themselves.” Need to constantly remind myself of this.
Maxabella says
That’s one to tuck away and pull out often, Shan. Thank you. x
Kez @ Awesomely Unprepared says
Wow, how thought provoking.
I often feel myself pushing back at the whole ‘parenting’ as a verb thing. Last school term I found myself really anxious about my son (he’s 4 and in kindy – it’s compulsory in WA). Thinking I needed to do more to make him a super reader/counter (I KNOW RIGHT – LET ME REPEAT – HE’S 4). Then I was talking to another mum at swimming lessons and she was so cool. She made me realise I wasn’t the only one feeling that silly pressure. She said that she reminds herself that it’s the SCHOOL’S job – the teachers’ jobs – to do that – otherwise there’d be no point in schools even existing. It’s up to us as parents to support that learning – teach social skills, feed and love our kids, give them shelter and encourage them in real world situations.
That released me from a lot of my OTT stress! I am now finding that there’s more pressure for me in terms of having to push back against the overall anxious culture. Everybody – just chill! Please! xx
Maxabella says
Let’s face it, we can NEVER do enough really. Which is why setting some strict boundaries for ourselves is completely necessary. Part of the issue I have with modern parenting is that it seems to indicate that the parent can sculpt and mold the perfect person and that if we don’t, we have somehow failed. Such a crock. Each kid is already perfect the second they are born. x
Aleney de Winter says
This one resonates big time, Bron. I’m afraid of releasing my two “into the wild” because they’re so used to me making everything happen for them. Time for me to up periscope too.
Maxabella says
I wish I’d started younger. I mean, I DID start younger but then I lost my way. Back to it! x
Kitty says
Get out of my head! I was thinking about this today, and how I needed to get back to looking after me and trust that they’d be fine. I cannot imagine my grandmother being bothered by most things my children do!
Maxabella says
I absolutely feel the same. I’ve realised that I can’t shoulder the emotional life of me plus three others. x
Sarah @sarahdipity says
Hell yes to this!
Lauren says
It’s such a roller coaster ride isn’t it?!? People keep asking me, ‘are you enjoying maternity leave?’ And I’m like ‘not really, im drowning over here!!’
Maxabella says
I hope you’re only temporarily drowning, Lauren. I think people forget the relentlessness of newborns!!!! Thinking of you. x
Bron from Flat Bum Mum says
I find my hubby is more able to detach and see things rationally where I get really involved and emotional. I like your approach of putting it back onto the kids and saying ‘what do you think?’ I’m gonna try that.
Maxabella says
Do you think that’s a male / female thing? I think it might be. I would like to be more ‘dad’ in this approach. x
Kirsty @ My Home Truths says
I’m grappling with this at the moment with a 12 yo who needs to forge ahead and become independent. But with special needs in the mix I’m not sure whether I’m pushing too hard or not enough. I should just stop second guessing and step back and let him be who he is destined to be. but it’s so hard when you need to take his disabilities into account too. You are not alone with your concerns Bron x
Maxabella says
That’s a tough one, Kirsty. I think 12 is a tricky age, regardless. There is so much change happening in their worlds right now. I’m going to try to be more of a passenger and less of a driver though!
Helen K says
So true and very timely for me too (actually – you could periodically rerun this and it would be timely because I know this but I forget it so often). But it’s becoming increasingly obvious as they get older that I can’t be part of everything, or know every last detail – and nor should I – as they move into more complex stages of life. We’re still here to stop them crashing on the ground, but letting the rope out more and more so they can keep climbing higher (or not – their choice). xx
Maxabella says
Same for me! I could write this one every six months, I reckon. I used to be so much better at the free-range thing. I don’t know why I keep losing my way, but I suspect my control-freak tendencies probably come into it… x
Kit@lifethroughthehaze says
This is so true. I worry so much the kids will have mental health issues like me and desperately don’t want that for them. But a wise lady once said to me that my kids will learn that in life the most important thing is to get up off the mat and face things head on. They won’t learn that mental health is something to be feared.
So I teach them to face things, I teach them to talk, I teach them to take ownership of their messes (usually the once on their bedroom floors), I teach them to ask for help and I teach them to be good people and to help their friends when they are in need. Hopefully by doing all of this I am doing an ok job.
Big hugs you are doing a great job!
Erin says
I reflect on this aspect of parenting from time to time. Our generation expends alot of energy on worrying about parenting and it often occurs to me that our grandparents didn’t expend all this energy into parenting like we do. Helps me put it into perspective a little when I get carried away with second guessing myself. Hugs to you.
Shari from GoodFoodWeek says
This is such a thought provoking post. I am constantly second guessing myself – am I doing enough? My boys are three and almost two. I wonder if I am going to be able to give them everything that they need when our third arrives in less then 10 weeks. And then I think about both of my Nan’s who had five children and they were running around with activities and play dates and seeing specialists – and my parents turned out just fine. As my husband and I talk about whether or not we should have a fourth, my grandparents just did and they were happy and their children had everything that they needed. This has been playing on my mind a lot.