There’s not a single element of parenting that isn’t a target for mum shaming and it doesn’t matter what you do: they will find you and they will hate you.
Birthing – how you gave birth, where you gave birth, if you gave birth.
Breastfeeding – whether you do it, how long you do it for, where you do it, how you do it, even why you do it is apparently everybody else’s business.
Baby weight – gained enough, gained too much, didn’t lose it, proud of it, not proud of it, not caring enough about it, lost too much, posting about it too much on Instagram, bitch.
Time – the getting of a mani/pedi is actually a declaration of war. You get a mani/pedi at a fellow mum who hasn’t had a spare second to herself since 2011.
Nutrition – frankly the whole ‘what we eat around here’ debate boils down to a single vowel-switch anagram: cacao versus cocoa.
Work – SAHMs think WM are absent mothers; WMs think SAHMs are lazy mothers; both WM and SAHMs don’t understand WFHM at all. WFHM are too tired to think.
Parenting styles – the sanctimummy has been bagging out every other mother for years, but lately the slummy mummy is fighting back and the whole thing is just horrendous. For what it’s worth: kids should never be called ‘arseholes’ and some women have better things to do than clean their house. In other words: nobody gets it right.
Stuff – whether you wrap or pram, how much the pram cost, how organic the wrap is: all debates about stuff have a really weird way of morphing into a humble brag about how much money a person has.
Should I go on? Actually, I can’t. I’m writing this with a mouthful of bile just thinking about all the unnecessary judgeyness that’s out there. Because it’s awful, right? Just AWFUL.
I reckon all judgement stems from either insecurity with our own choices or jealousy of someone else’s; in other words, it’s entirely about the judge not the judged. Why else would we even care if a mother was doing something completely different to how we do things (and please, don’t tell me it’s because we ‘care about the children’ because that bile in my mouth is threatening to spill over already)? All we are doing is making every mother out there second guess her choices, feel guilty, feel ashamed and feel like she’s missing out on something important. Is that really how we want our friends / community / village / sisterhood to feel?
Fact is, we are all missing out on something important and that is respect for diversity, kindness towards others, tolerance of differences, compassion, thoughtfulness, understanding. All the qualities that we teach our children are the right way to behave. We say, “Well, maybe Florence’s bedroom is really untidy because she’s so busy being a gymnastics star” and “Perhaps that packet of chips in Percy’s lunch box is his treat for the whole week” and “Mabel likes eating anchovies, it doesn’t make her weird at all.” So many things we say.
Here’s a thought: how about we start raising ourselves a little bit better. We can use the approach we take with our kids (whatever that may be!) as the bench mark. Much like any behaviour in anyone over the age of 5, stopping the mum shaming is entirely within our control. Next time we catch ourselves thinking unkind thoughts (or saying unkind things or, god forbid, typing unkind things), let’s take a step back and remind ourselves that mums are only humum*. And humums:
- Trip up sometimes on an otherwise smooth path
- Make choices based on the reality they, and only they, are living
- Are the sum of their whole, not their parts (and not their kids!)
- Get it wrong sometimes and oh-so-right other times
- Deserve the support, love, compassion and kindness of other humums. Each and every one.
So know this: whatever your choices, be they firm choices or a way of mothering you stumbled upon late one night when your kid wouldn’t sleep, you are okay by me. I’m not going to agree with all the things you do, but I 100% respect your right to do them the way you do them and I’ll support you just as much when you’re down as I’ll wave to you when you’re up. See, I’ll be right here, doing my thing, waving to you over there, doing your thing, because we both know that it takes an awful lot of doing to create an amazing world.
What kind of mum shaming riles you up the most?
* I used this term in this post and now it won’t leave me.
Agent Spitback says
Loved this post! So true! Tolerance is so underrated and undervalued. It is sometimes almost seen as if you’re weak if you’re tolerant. But in fact I think it takes more to be accepting than to be judging.
Maxabella says
Do you think people look at tolerance as weakness? OMG, I never thought of that. What a sad state we’ve got ourselves into!!! I agree with you – it takes a lot more thought, self-esteem and energy to be accepting. No wonder people find it so hard.
Agent Spitback says
Yes, I think some people do as they think that’s the easy way out.
Julie says
Sad to say, but I think Mummy shaming comes from women being cruel to other women. Why else would gossip mags sell so well. Front covers that scream “too thin” too fat”, “too much cellulite”, too much surgery”, Too old. So this just extends into motherhood.
The whole things upsets me. No women is right. No women is wrong. She is just being a woman. Please lets forgive ourselves. Even better please lets start supporting each other.
Maxabella says
I believe it comes from a place of deep insecurity, so yes, definitely not just between mothers, but between women. Many women are almost raised to play off of other women, so it shouldn’t really surprise us. Shock, but not surprise. x
Brandi says
I agree with you, I think it comes from our own insecurities. Personally, I think as women we have come into an age where we can do anything, but there is an expectation that we do it all and have it all at once. The pressure we put on ourselves to be the best mom, career woman, fitness guru, chef, interior designer, cleaner, you name it…it’s unreal. I feel like I’ve been fighting back these expectations of perfection my entire life. Sadly, some people make themselves better by looking for the flaws in others.
Maxabella says
” I feel like I’ve been fighting back these expectations of perfection my entire life” – that’s SPOT ON, Brandi. I sometimes wonder if men feel the same way, but they just don’t have an outlet to express those feelings. I often think that they would like to come out and say, “I can’t handle the responsibility of XXX”, but they dare not say a word in case the world thinks they are “weak”. What a pickle gender expectations gets us in!! This is why I’m a feminist. I believe that feminism is trying to sort out the gender issues for ALL genders, not just women. x
Brandi says
You know, that’s interesting. I’ll have to keep those thoughts about men in my mind, but my first response would be to disagree! I think women are now starting to judge themselves in areas of career and sports and things with men, but I’m not sure my husband gives a darn if the house looks like we’ve become hoarders when a guest stops by. Or if the kids have trouble, it’s usually ‘where is the mother.’ I’m sure men are posturing about lots of things, but I think the extra expectations are now falling on women. And, unfortunately, I find myself connecting less to feminism. I hate to admit it, and I want to find articles that I agree with, but I often feel like it is a movement to push women into male areas instead of celebrating all the fabulous ways woman succeed. (for example, I recently read an article saying that ‘pushing’ breast feeding on women is a conservative movement to keep women at home. What?)
Sarah @sarahdipity says
Couldn’t have said it better myself Bron. At the end of the day we are all just trying to do the best we can and that looks different for everybody.
Maxabella says
It amazes me that people start with the attitude that a mother is willfully doing something to hurt her child or reduce her child’s opportunities, etc, etc. WHY would people think that?
Shari from GoodFoodWeek says
I think I needed this post today – I feel there is so much judgement on how close my children are together. We are all just trying to do the best that we can, for our own family, at that specific point in time, in our own lives. You, are doing an amazing job, Bron and I definitely look up to you xox
Maxabella says
Is there no end to what people will judge a woman for!? Your kids are too close together? Why on earth does that matter to anyone else but you!!?!?!? Oh this makes me so cross!
Anna Brophy says
This is so, so apt…I think…I am a SAHM who doubles as a WFHM…and I am just too damned tired to think of a clever comment. Just a thumbs up from me.
Maxabella says
Right back at ya!
Aleney says
From how I conceived my kids to how I gave birth to what I called them, the nomadic lifestyle we live, to how I educate and raise them, I’ve been repeatedly shamed. But what these sad insecure haters failed to realise is that I gave zero actual fucks about their opinion and carried on doing things exactly as I was. With a big fat smile on my face. Unfortunately the mummy shaming continues and it makes me furious when it is inflicted on mums who aren’t as resilient as I am and are just trying to do the best they can. We ought to be supporting each other while we do our own thing and I despair that it will every stop.
Maxabella says
I hope it will stop. I know that it does stem from women’s insecurities and I hope one day we are raising women just like yourself. x
Breharne says
My biggest mum shaming pet hate is when a mother is at the playground, her kids are playing happily so GOD FORBID she pulls out her mobile phone to be part of the adult world for 5 mins! That 5 mins at the playground is sometimes the only uninterrupted time using technology during the daylight hours that mama’s get!
Maxabella says
I have no judgment about how a mother spends her time whatsoever.
Cristin says
I’d like to think that I only judge if a child is in actual danger, but truthfully, I do have some buttons that push me towards in-my-head judginess demons. I try to recognize that most of the time that impulse is more about me and my preferences/places of comfort than anything to do with someone else’s family. I promise that I always keep the demons quietly inside my head where I can put my logical mind to work wrestling them!
(Also, love “have a mani/pedi “at” a fellow mum” 🙂 ).
Maxabella says
I think we all have those demons, Cristin. We are human, we judge – it’s going to happen. But it’s the unguarded TELLING that is annoying me so much. Think whatever you like, but we don’t have to TELL another mother what we think for… what reason, exactly?