I’ve seen it around social media more and more and it makes me cringe every single time. Mums publicly calling their kid an asshole, dick, bastard, twat, bitch and even a little c*nt. I think it’s supposed to be funny, but I’m not laughing.
Actually, it makes me more than cringe. It makes me angry.
Kids don’t deserve to have people call them names because of their behaviour, especially not their own mothers. Since when does a child’s behaviour warrant such adult name calling anyway? A kid is just being a kid doing randomly kid things. They are not deliberately trying to make their mother’s day awful. They are not being a kid at you.
Many of the people calling their kids names are actually people that I like a lot. They are good, kind, smart people, so it’s a bit of mystery to me why they think it’s okay to put their kids down so much. Usually I try to stay well away from the judgey-parenting movement – you parent your way, I’ll parent mine. But in this case… no.
I get that parenting sucks sometimes (a lot of the time, actually). I get that a three-year-old can say and do the most awful things that temporarily make you wonder if you have spawned the devil. That a four-year-old can be deliberately mean, ungracious and uncontrollable. That your two-year-old has made you lock yourself in the pantry just to get two minutes of peace but now you’re scared to come out because she’s had two minutes to wreck even more havoc and guess who gets to clean that shit up?
Your 11-year-old is as mean as a cut snake.
Your eight-year-old made you cry.
Your six-year-old won’t eat.
Your nine-year-old has started a dirt collection.
Your five-year-old won’t stop whining.
Your 13-year-old screams at you.
Your 10-year-old sulks from dusk until dawn.
Your 15-year-old stole from you.
I get it. Kids are awful and parenting is awfully hard. We are driven to the brink every single day and we haven’t slept properly in three/five/seven/nine/thirteen years so, you know, our defences are way low. Social media can often be the best way to release the steam that’s threatening to explode. We can get on there and vent away and sharing it all just makes parenting that little bit more do-able.
But a parent has got to have boundaries. You have to work out where the line is crossed and vow never to cross it. Not when you’re tired, not when you’re fed up, not when you’re trying to be funny. Every parent’s line is going to be different, of course, but surely we can agree that some things should be fairly universal. I think derogatory name calling of kids should be in that category because, yeah, I think it’s universally awful to shame your kid that way.
Would you call them names to their face? Would you whisper them under your breath as you walk away? How would you feel if your kids heard you say it or saw you had written it on social media? Would you feel proud of yourself? Proud of your parenting?
The thing is, I parent my kids fairly openly. I tell them when their behaviour is unlikeable and I don’t pretend that they are darlings when they are not. But I’ve always tried to parent the behaviour, not the person. It would feel disrespectful for me to then turn around and call them names behind their backs. I don’t think I would do that to anyone, let alone the people I love the most in the world.
Call me judgemental, but I don’t even care. I reserve the words asshole, dickhead, twat and, occasionally, c*nt for people who really deserve it (actually so far I don’t think I’ve ever met a c*nt). People who I think are unlikeable and not deserving of my respect. I’d be mortified if anyone ever thought my own behaviour warranted calling me a name like that. Wouldn’t you?
tessa white says
TOTALLY wondering if I have ever name shamed my kids now.. I have 100% never pulled the C Bomb on them. I tend to use softer for juvenile words with them when reprimanding them and if pissed and ranting.. I think I do the same if I voice such on social.
I ask them why they are being turds to me today or how told them it was ok to act like a selfish arsehat. I have no idea why but I assume I think by speaking a more juvenile manner I may get through those juvenile skulls of theirs and actually be heard..
Maxabella says
And possibly because juvenille terms suit juvenilles! I don’t know, I tend to label behaviour rather than the kids. “Behaving like that makes me feel…” or “If you do that, people are going to feel…” or “Why are you behaving so angrily / negatively / unkindly”, etc.
Diana says
I’m a 100% with you on this one. I am so shocked that it happens.Tell them how their behaviour makes you feel, absolutely. But names? To me that’s just bullying. Thank you for being brave.
Maxabella says
Thanks Diana. I don’t really feel the need to be brave. I doubt there would be too many parents who would defend their right to call a child any of these things either behind their back or to their face. But, then again, I’m probably wrong on that front!!
Alicia O'Brien says
Oh I have been guilty of this *hangs head in shame*. I find that when they are acting up, there is something else going on with them, and am learning to stop, talk and listen.
And by the way, I have met plenty of c*nts. I must have met your share 😉
Maxabella says
I don’t mean to shame my fellows mums, just call them out on something. I hope you understand that. I just really believe that calling kids things like this is just not on.
Sorry you’ve met all my c*nts. I hope you told them all where to go.
Hugzilla says
I think this one is going to divide people. I not 100% innocent of this but mine tend to be on the more benign side – there is no way I would ever call my kid the c-word. Just. no.
Maxabella says
I know it’s one that not everyone will agree with and I’m perfectly okay with that. x
Cat @ life through the haze says
I have to be honest and say I would like to think I haven’t called my kids a name … but I try very hard to label the behaviour rather than the child if that makes sense. You have been behaving like a … and that makes you not fun to be around.
But I am mostly a pretty useless parent so I look to others for guidance xoxo
Maxabella says
I doubt you’re a ‘pretty useless parent’ Cat. I doubt that very much.
Vanessa says
Hmm, I think it depends. Are they calling their KID that or the BEHAVIOUR? That’s a big difference in my book. I get that things in writing/on the internet are forever etc… but is it just that people are saying online what they would healthily vent to friends in person about “back in the day”?
Maxabella says
People can ultimately call their kid or their kid’s behaviour whatever they want, but I would just never call either by such derogatory, adult terms. Maybe just me, but that’s how I feel.
Magda Mitchell says
So true. Parents do need to have boundaries. And wine.
Maxabella says
Lots of wine.
Dawn says
I’ve definitely called my kid an a-hole to my husband because it makes me crack up and it’s better to laugh than cry, I say. I don’t actually think she’s an asshole, she’s three! I have a rule about not posting things that will embarrass her online (later in life) so hopefully haven’t been guilty of this in public. But sometimes I ‘like’ or laugh when I read about other parents who swear about their children’s behavior (and I believe they are talking about behavior, not about the child themselves). I think it helps us lighten the situation- parenting is TOUGH (and swearing always makes me laugh). I always treat my daughter with respect and agree that it’s important to do so always (not perfect and not always 100% successful here) believe it or not I am HUGE I’m not name-calling in our house. Is it bad to snicker (like a child) at childish behavior? BTW I would NEVER call my kid a C. Is there a grey area? Can we joke without being bullies?
Maxabella says
There’s a huge difference between having a laugh about our kids’ behaviour with their father and posting a rant on social media about them being little assholes. To be honest, I’d rather joke about something else.
Eliza says
This is totally how I feel about it. Not for public, but makes me feel less hurt and makes me laugh.
Robyna May says
A little worried at how sancti-mummy this will sound, but …. I’m trying to teach my kids to be kind, respectful, thoughtful humans. I would hate for them to call themselves names, other people names or me names. So coming from that viewpoint – I am not okay with my calling them names. Even in jest. That said, they can definitely push buttons and that needs to be released somehow. So I get the release valve thing. Most people say “acting like little a*holes” rather than “are a*holes”.
Maxabella says
Not sanctimummy at all, I’d hope that all parents are raising their kids to be all those things. x
Sammie @ The Annoyed Thyroid says
When I was teaching, I definitely may have used a word that was unsavoury but never to their face and never on social media. I totally get that thing about explaining the behaviour to them but while I would have been doing that, I’d have probably had a chair chucked at my head, so a one word wonder under my breath had to suffice. I can’t help think that some things are just not meant for social media and dissing your kids is right up there at the top of the list.
Maxabella says
Social media needs to pull its head in in general if you ask me.
Tracy says
I’m not inclined to using that type of language, so I can say I’ve never called my children any of those names. I will let them know, in no uncertain terms, when their behaviour is unacceptable and inappropriate. I am pretty direct with my kids (at home and at school), but I use “unacceptable” and “inappropriate”, with them. If talking to someone else about a rough behaviour day I might say they are driving me nuts. That’s as colourful as I get.
Of course, as others have mentioned, I am strong believer in calling out the behaviour and not labelling the child. And that is also something my kids hear from me…that how they behave doesn’t change how I feel about them.
Maxabella says
You sound like a great mum, Tracy. Lucky kids.
Renee Wilson says
This is very cut and dry for me. It’s not okay to call your kids any of those names. I don’t like it. It’s not on and why would you do it on social media? I have a ‘friend’ who has told her kid to fuck off while she was on the phone to me. I’ve never thought of her the same way. I know some will think I’m being over the top, but this is just how I feel. Great post.
Maxabella says
Clearly I totally agree with you, Renee. I’m actually struggling to understand how people can defend the behaviour. x
Emily says
Agreed. 100%. x
Erin says
I agree 100%!!!!
Why would we call our children names like this? Would we call our friends these names? Our partners?
Not on, not at all. If we don’t show respect to our children I can guarantee they won’t be showing respect back.
Maxabella says
It really is about respect. I would never call anyone I respected any of those things. I definitely call my kids out on poor behaviour, but I never call them names while I’m doing it. It would be unnecessary and hurtful. Not saying the names to their faces and then doing it behind their back would actually feel worse. I don’t get why some parents don’t get that.
Luke says
I disagree.
If my kids are being dicks, I’ll tell them they are being dicks.
When they are being good, I’ll tell them they are being awesome.
And its got nothing to do with saying it behind their back. I’ll say, “Come on mate, you’re being a dick. What’s the problem?” And we will talk about whatever is bothering them and sort it out.
Words don’t have any power beyond what the listener ascribes. I’ve taught my kids that words are just words.
I do agree that you shouldnt say anything about your kids that you wouldn’t say to your kids.
Maxabella says
You’re right Luke – words have the power the listener ascribes. That’s exactly why I don’t call my kids a dick. x
Nicole @ The Builder's Wife says
I think we’ve also forgotten that social media is here to stay and one day it is likely your kids will be reading what you wrote. Then how will they feel? Great post.
Maxabella says
I know I would feel hurt beyond belief if I ever found out that my parents used to have a laugh with their friends calling me an asshole. That would cut to the core.
Bec Senyard says
I don’t name my kids these names, but I do swear around them and the girls pull me up every time I say ‘sh*t’ because they know it’s not a word they can say and if they can’t say it, I shouldn’t either.
I’m not perfect, and to be honest, I’ve never felt the need to pull up a parent on calling their kid a whatever because I’ve often thought ‘thank goodness their kids misbehave too!’. Sometimes I wonder how many other parents are experiencing the behavior I get from my girls. Having said that, I agree it’s not right and I think we have to be careful with the words we use around our children. And calling them swear words is not the best way to talk about their behavior.
Lydia says
Well written. Never apologise for holding this opinion. It is an absolute no brainer that children should never be called these names to their faces or behind their backs. If they do spew fourth out of our mouths in a moment of rage the child should be sincerely apologised to and the parent work on not doing it again. Anyone who thinks it is sanctimonious to hold such an opinion has a problem. If calling children these names on social media is the norm I’m glad I stay off it.
Cat Miedecke says
I don’t get it either. And that is coming from someone who was referred to by their mother and older brother as “the little shit” or just “the shit” which aparantly was humorous, though I never saw the funny side. And while my youngest two get up to some funky naughty antics, some of which I have penned on my old blog and possibly posted on Instagram I’ve never put them down or called them names or made it personal. It’s not ok. I’m a fully functional adult (though an extremely resilient one) but once again. It’s not ok. Says more about the parents than the kids in my experience.