Maybe they missed out on selection to the Sydney 2000 Badminton squad. Maybe they peaked in high school and just want to go back. Maybe their surname is Jones so there’s a certain expectation thing going on. Whatever the reason, the Competitive Parent (CP) just makes you want to run, run, run away. Very fast.
I first encountered these Difficult People in the hospital with my pesky newborn. Day 3, C-Section smarting like a teacher’s pet, rumbling down the hall with the world’s loudest breast pump machine in front and the angst-ridden newborn in the trolley behind. Busy, you know?
“Oh,” cooed the CP. “Breastfeeding not working out for you?”
Be fooled by neither the CP’s warmth nor their question. They are not interested in you. Before I had a chance to respond (“Yes actually, it’s going great. So great, in fact, that I thought I’d spend the next two and a half hours pumping out an additional 40 mls just because I can…”) she launched into the real reason why she was cooing.
“It’s my first baby too,” she chummed. “But, to be honest, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. He was breastfeeding before they even cut the cord… so easy, so natural. So right. He just found his way there like a little primate and it’s been BLISS, pure bliss… sigh. Well, good luck with the world’s loudest breast pump. You know, by the sounds of things last night, your baby could do with a volume switch too! Toodles.”
Yes, CPs are scary creatures, but I’m not afraid. Try these pointers the next time you encounter one:
1. Don’t engage
You’ll notice in the convo above that even though I didn’t get a word in, I was going to respond. Rookie. I haven’t made that mistake since. Don’t talk to these people. They may ask you a question, but it’s okay to look down and spend the moment picking off the crusted Weetbix* on your baggy t-shirt. They will have the same conversation whether you talk or you don’t – they don’t need your feedback. Let them get whatever miraculous deed their child has done today off their chest and then just calmly walk away.
2. Don’t encourage
Often normal parents will make the mistake of oohing a little. A bit of ‘good for her’, an occasional ‘well done’ for added effect as Tenor’s school report is given the blow-by-blow by a proud mama. Under normal circumstances this is expected and harmless. But you’re not dealing with a normal parent here and every ‘good for her’ translates as ‘future banker’ and ‘well done’ just adds ‘at Macquarie’ to the portfolio. Just listen quietly and get working on that Weetbix.
3. Don’t take it out on their child
It’s tempting. If you spend morning after morning at the Kindy school gate hearing about Rainer’s future career prospects, you kinda don’t like him. You may find yourself trying to get dirt on Rainer via your child (“So, um, how did, say, Rainer go with the colouring in? Lines, no lines?” ) but it will all be fruitless. Rainer is not at fault here, he’s really just an impeccably-dressed innocent bystander. Relax, with a name like Rainer he will get what’s coming to him.
4. Don’t take it out on your child
Like any victim, you listen to enough of your oppressor’s version of reality and pretty soon their incredible child becomes your reality. Before long, your own child’s achievements start to look, well, a bit lacklustre. Horrifying, impossible, never-on-my-watch, but true. No matter how tempting, don’t ever start a conversation with “Did you hear that Tayhlia was picked as the prettiest ever contestant on Australia’s Next Top Model?” as it will only end in tears.
5. When all else fails, fail
If weeks have gone by and the silent treatment is not working, lower the bar. As the Libby Lenton of parenting, the CP is completely disinterested in the paddling pool. So for every achievement, counter attack with an under-achievement. “Reilly was first in her class for spelling” / “Sam can spell Sam”; “Reilly got a medal for running” / “Sam got told off for running”; “Reilly is on level 23 for reading” / “Sam can read Sam”. Believe me, the CP will soon be off to deeper waters.
Oh, hush. Don’t worry, no real harm done. You’re just pretending your child is below par, remember? We all secretly know that there has never been a child quite as golden or as smart or as beautiful as your child…
* The hardest substance known to man.
[Image by Suse Bauer of some of her many amazing Revoluzzza monster softies!]
BabyMac says
Yet again, you have outdone yourself here. This may well be Maxabella’s signature series. I like it lady, I like it.
I remember one year at Sydney Festival free night at the Opera House there was a family of CP’s in front of me. I had no children at the time, and only experience in recreational drugs and chardonnay, but when they said in a frustrated tone to their 2 YRO SON who was NOT complying with THEIR needs “Be FLEXIBLE Rupert” I knew what I was encountering. CP’s.
I have come across a few in my 3.9 measly years as a mother. I came to realise that some of my best mates (should state previous best mates) were CP’s. I have learnt to stay away. DIsengage. Stay away. For MY own sanity. Trying to keep up is exhausting. Frustrating. And just doesn’t make sense. Best advice I was ever given was to stay away. And I have.
Still wonder about poor Rupert all the time. Poor kids…
Great post. LOVED it. And sorry about the essay x
Melinda @ Here We Go Loopy Lou says
I encountered one in Mother’s Group, only then to go onto playgroup! Oh “J” is perfect, oh “J” is so good. Then a little brother came along – “oh J always shares her toys with A” etc etc etc. My theory (once a social worker always a social worker!) – if you need to go on about how perfect/talented etc your child is…deep down you know they are not and pretending that they are makes such people feel better!!
life in a pink fibro says
PMSL. And I can PMSL better than you or your child. So there.
Sarah says
OMG OMG I want to print this off and pass it to some of the CP’s I know. Except they’ll read it and say sweetly: “Oh yes, and did I mention little Clayton won the award for cello the other day? Yes, he’s so advanced he’s bypassing primary school and off to university.”
AAARRRGGGHHH. Sorry, this post bought up alot of unacknowledged angst on this topic!
Lucy says
LOVE IT.
I am not a CP. But can I admit that my lovely husband has tendancy to occasionally lean the CP way when he is with his siblings. (They are, in my humble opinion, intense in their competition with one another. Excrutiating.)
Cringe.
I make up for it by adopting your number five methodology, a lot.
Throw in a healthy dose of laissez-faire to husband and in-laws and children, and it generally rights itself. I hope.
Naturally Carol says
Christmas card season is a great opportunity for CPs, they love to write long letters to all and sundry listing the year’s achievements of every child. Boredom sets in as you persevere reading about every certificate, award, good deed and fart that the child has performed! I know quite a few CP’s it seems, they seem nice enough…
MultipleMum says
You nailed it Maxabella500. Too funny. Too true. I’ve known a few of these types. Couldn’t be arsed with any of them x
Glen says
🙂 I don’t compete well at all. I usually just ask if their kid is the one with their flies down, and leg it
cooperl788 says
This is such a great post. I’m not a CP, but I know a few in my mom’s group. Mostly what I tend to do is say snide remarks like, “Wow, next thing you know he’ll be at the Olympics/Harvard/wearing Einstein’s shoes.” I’m not proud of it, but it helps me keep context on what’s really important.
Rachel says
I know a few…and I’m not one of them any more…but will admit I use to be when I first became Mommy to Bip & Bop… but I have slowly learned that what might be a big step for me as a mother wont be for you… and whatever my kids achieve today yours might have done it yesterday or do it tomorrow and as long as all children achieve the achievable and become decent adults that’s whats important. I use to want honor roll children I know I might never get it and that’s fine as long as they are happy in life and in their own skin I’m good with that and wont push …
Leanne says
Fantastic post with great reminders and suggestions on how to deal with CP’s. There is a CP on our block who starts every sentence with, “Just wait . . . ” as if what you may be experiencing is NOTHING like what she has experienced. I think #1 and #2 have worked the best for me.
LOVE this one! Great job!
Jennie says
This has to be one of the best blog posts i’ve ever read. Thank you!
Bek says
Yep I know one. And I have been doing #5 without realizing.
But you know, my kids are pretty awesome, actually.
Simone - honeyandfizz says
That post was sooo funny! Laugh out loud stuff. I’m not a competitive parent but have definately come across a few!
Corinne – Daze of My Life says
We are definitely not CPs. In fact my husband often tells people he thinks our youngest is going to be a rum-swilling pig shooter… (she’s a bit of a roughie, our girl).
Like BabyMac, I have totally left some friends who were CPs. I actually had someone tell me they couldn’t see what all the fuss was about, parenting was just so easy.
This was said when I was struggling with two kids who NEVER slept and my eyes were hanging out of my head.
Brilliant post.
Marion Williams-Bennett says
Oh, I just love this. Love it. Love it.
Imagine how much better our world would be if we just SUPPORTED each other as parents, rather than trying to out do one another? Isn’t this parenting thing hard enough with these CP’s making it harder?
The KitchenMaid says
Me too, love it to bits. Do you think there is such a thing as a competitive grandparent? ie, the mother in law who pits grandchild against any other small person/animal/potplant in existence? (Oh and by the way, have you put on weight dear?)
Or perhaps that’s a topic for another post!
Sophie {Red Dust Love} says
Fantastic post! The only aspect you didn’t touch on was facebook! The CP in our community likes to dedicate facebook pages to her child/children!
What a great morning read!
Being Me says
Oh this is superb! SO true. Bloody little Tenor and Rainer. And I have caught myself doing #3 more than once… it’s hard not to! But once I notice I avoid and/or do #1. Much more integrity in that 😉
The KitchenMaid: YES, there most certainly is such a thing as a competitive grandparent, you’d better believe it. Equally as frustrating but thankfully not usually as commonly encountered and easier to stay away from.
Notchka says
Bahahaha my Huz needs to see this – he confidently tells anyone who will listen that Lala is in fact a genius and will be an astronaut in due course. Living vicariously much? Face it man, your arms were too short for the fighter plane cockpit now move on already!!
As for me, I have perfected the eyes glazed over look followed by the little shake of the head, sigh and “sorry, I’m away with the fairies today, must dash byyyyyyyyye”. Its against everything I am to be that rude, but some people deserve it.
Just Martha says
I’m going to send this to my sister! She will love it as she is surrounded bu CPs. Do you mind popping over to my blog and maybe following my Girl Power advice if you like the idea? I’m sorry to be so bold but I feel such an urgency regarding this, especially at this time of year…
Heather says
You crack me up! Ella’s school is jam packed with CPs….they are everywhere. I try to avoid them but they love me…I think because I do acknowledge and do the ‘oh yes’, ‘how clever’ crap. I am going to try the underachieving comments…great idea!! xx
Mummy's Brain says
“with a name like Rainer he will get what’s coming to him.”… classic,
As a fellow tact deprived person, I will be taking these tips on 🙂
Selina says
OMG, we’ve just started kindy and you are frightening me. I am likely to use the ‘phuck’ word as discussed in a previous post. I guess if I say it and dont write it I will have kept my self control and dignity with the CP
xx
Anne says
There are MANY CPs in Los Angeles. A dire situation sometimes. I would like to send this post to a few choice parents but I don’t think it would be appreciated!
CSaM says
Bloody brilliant Maxabella!!!
I’m sad to say I know a CP (not me I might add) and our babes are only 6 months old!! Very sad indeed.
I’ve taken to tuning out whenever this lady starts to flap off at the gills about her baby’s latest achievements.
Brenda @ Mira Narnie says
hahaha!! this one has me in stitches!!! LOVE IT!! i know a few ‘braggers’ but my downfall is i am too emotionally expressive (cue eye roll) so perhaps they don’t hang around too long! love your tips. Again a ripper post!
ps – what’s your sister on about hmmm….sibling inside joke me thinks xx
A Farmer's Wife says
You keep writing posts that I just love.
I think “quiet success” is the best revenge when it comes to competitive people, parents or otherwise….Engaging is futile and lowers the tone of any conversation.
Cate says
repeat after me…the view is better from the moral high ground, the view is better from the moral high ground. If you say that enough times while the CP is blabbering, your eyes will glaze over and they will get bored and wander away. Works a treat…
xxxCate
Belinda - Nest Design Studio says
Very funny!
Rhi@FlourChild says
Brilliant post Maxabella!
I know a few CPs. I sometimes fear that my husband is a CP.. he doesn’t spend enough time around kids to know what is a “normal” developmental thing, so I totally cringe and roll my eyes when he starts telling his friends how clever our 3 yr old is for being able to walk (or whatever). And my MIL is bad too.. she is forever telling other people how good at crawling our 10 month old is.. FAR OUT DUDE, it’s not like he was born without legs or something!
I love your blog, this series is a classic x
Lori @ RRSAHM says
Damn, i though I commented on this one this morning? I mustn’t have.
I used to get so upset by competitive parents, and feel my baby wasn’t good enough. Now, I laugh. Ha hahahahahah!! or something.
Seriously, nothing gets up my nose more. *Deep breath*.
Chicken Willow says
Love that weetbix:)
x0xJ says
OMG Weetbix is the DEVIL. Bloody pita stuff. But my kids oh so love it!
I love your tips, they are so so true. Just ignore them, if they need to boast to convince themselves their life is great then there is nothing you can do but smile because you already KNOW your’s is.
Jacki says
Thank you so much for writing this post! I’m guilty of getting entrapped by these people and then miserably looking for an escape. Next time, I’ll find the weetbix!
Stacia says
Boy, do I know a few of these. Just got one of their Christmas cards in the mail and had to laugh at the absurdity. With all their kids’ accomplishments, it’s a wonder they didn’t win the Nobel Prize in Parenting!
Bronnie and family says
OMG, this is totally why I couldn’t do playgroup. Now don’t get me wrong, there were some lovely Mummas (and Dads) in there, but the constant harping of the CPS just stole my spirit. Probably a shame really …
Amy says
Oh crap. you make me laugh.
thanks for that.
xx
P.S. my CP happens to be my bestie. Painful to endure. But I still love her.
Metropolitan Mum says
Haha. I think I would have knocked that CP over with the noisy breastbump. Accidentally, of course.