We’ve tacked Newborns, we’ve tacked CPs, this week…
You’ve met Nellie. She’s permanently involved in some catastrophe or another but it doesn’t matter because the world is going to end tomorrow anyway. She goes on and on and on and on about how awful life is and how thoughtless other people are and how nothing is any good any more. Being with Nellie is like having laser eye surgery – you’re awake, you’re uncomfortable, you’re having your cornea cut open and peeled back.
But there are strategies for dealing with people like Nellie.
1. Nellie is looking for disagreeable, so agree with her.
It’s painful, but it’s true. The more you agree with other people the less they talk. Rather than trying to cheer them up (a red rag to Nellie’s bull), just agree that it’s all so awful. Once you agree, you will soon see that without fuel they have no fire.
2. Distract and divert
Nellie: “Oh, I can’t win. The postman is deliberating crumpling up my mail before he puts it in the box…”*
You: “Yes, but it’s been beautiful weather for posties, hasn’t it?”
Nellie: “He hates me. I can see him next door getting the mail out ready to ball it up…”
You: “Speaking of balls, I had the nicest dessert last night…”
Nellie: “Really, dessert? What did you have?”
It really does work.
3. Surprise and delight
If every time you see Nellie she launches into a diatribe, cut her off at the chase. Bring along a bunch of flowers, a punnet of strawberries, a small notebook for her to jot down her interesting thoughts… Just a little something ‘just because’. Thoughtfulness is appreciated by everyone, but particularly by our Negative Nellies.
4. Counter-attack
Nellie: “That Mary is so thoughtless, she never rings me, I always have to ring her.”
You: “That’s funny, she always calls me.”
Nellie: “Why doesn’t she ring me then? I knew she didn’t like me.”
You: “Oh, she really likes you. She said just the other day how nice it is that you always call.”
Sock it to ’em.
5. Pollyanna her into silence
If number 1 isn’t working, do the opposite. For every negative, express a positive. Negative Nellies hate Pollyanna so it works a bit like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. You’ll soon find she moves onto less negative fare if she suspects that a positive might be coming straight after.
[Image by Suse Bauer – check out her Revoluzza monsters!]
Imperfectly Me says
Hellllllooooo!!!! So lovely to read you’re musings after coming back from hol’s. I love the eye-surgery analogy…so apt 🙂
I love your approach to the Nellies of our world, sadly I think I can be one of them…
Note to self, that yucky line in the glass is what happens when you whine so much that the water in it evaporates…think glass half full!!
Mammamusing says
Oh yes I know a negative Nelly.
She used to drive me to distraction.
I used to find myself challenging anything negative she said that I disagreed with but nowadays when she starts I just get up and walk away.
I’ll go and pat the dog, pick up Amelie….anything really to get away from the negativity.
Sounds rude but she is so busy banging on that she doesn’t even notice 🙂
Raine and Sage says
Amusing with a capital A! I’m generally in the ‘you’ side of life… I’d be lying if ‘Nellie’ never cropped up though..
Blocks and Knocks says
We all know negative a Nellie! They are sent here to test us I believe. I usually fail miserably but after your post I feel empowered:)
Jacki says
As always, a funny, insightful and relevant post! Thank you!
KristiMcMurry says
WOW. I have a close friend that is the ultimate negative nellie! It’s been especially bad lately because she is in her first year of teaching 5th grade. She doesn’t understand why her 5th graders are so mean to her (and really it’s only about 6 out of 30 something that are actually acting up).
I try, I really do…but I can only be with her for about an hour at a time or I start feel like I’m going through that surgery you mentioned. And I used to live with her! AH! It was awful. I love her more now that we don’t share a home 🙂
I think the diversion technique works best with her. I’ve gotten very skillful at changing the subject. Hanging out in a public place helps with that because we can talk about things around us.
Oh and she’s also really down on herself all the time (because apparently the fact that she’s single must mean there’s something horribly wrong with her), so I always compliment her clothes or hair or makeup as soon as I see her.
Anna Bartlett says
You’ve been hanging with my inlaws, haven’t you. It’s incredible how draining some conversations can be. The generalisations are mind boggling and then I watch as my husband ‘catches it’. Sometimes I wish it could be THUMPED out of them. But I now keep thinking ‘be mature, be mature’ which seems to work through a haze created by red wine. Will squirrel away your suggested tactics for next time though!
PEACHES says
Excellent post! You really know how to cut to the chase. This is such an important topic, especially when it comes to young girls. I wish they taught this in schools. This post should be text book material. Honestly.
I know we can all be negative Nellies at times, but there are some folks whose constant tendencies self-victimization and criticism toward others causes all kinds of harm and hurt feelings. I like to think I am now old enough to spot these people and just avoid them like the plague! Seriously, just cut them out altogether. If they are family or I have to work with them, I try to use the expression (got this from a book I can’t remember); “I hear you complaining but I am not hearing any solutions. Lets come back to this when you identify a reasonable way I can help.”…it never does much the first time, but by the second or third go round, they figure it out. It’s like you have a stamp on your forehead that says “DON’T WHINE”
…And just in case they don’t see it on my forehead, I had it printed on a name plate for my desk. Ta da!!!!
Lord, why is it that your posts always make me comment with a whole post of my own. Geez….
Looking for Blue Sky says
If they do it all the time, just change your mobile number…or get divorced….life is too short.
Cate says
OMG – nellie is *such* a toddler!! Anyone who thinks that the whole world has time to think purely about them has a *slightly* (ahem)overinflated self-image!!
So I agree with the distraction technique – it gets toddlers to eat green vegetables…and grown-ups who should know better to STOP WHINING!!
Caz (The Truth About Mummy) says
Nice one Maxabella. Shall try some of these tips next time I see Nelllie.
@jencull (jen) says
haha, I usually use the ‘run and hide’ method myself but if I HAVE to do it I will try remember your tips. I just hate having all my energy sucked dry by trying not to tell Nellie how much up her own *** she is!! My self control is admirable, especially for me!! Jen
myshoeboxlife.com says
Oh yes, I spent six years working with a Negative Nelly. It became almost laughable just how twisted conversations could be, where I would feed her negativity without even realising. I’ll never forget the day I excitedly went to work after spending the weekend putting perfumed drawer liners in the nursery. (Well at the time it was exciting with all those nesting hormones!). She turned to me dead pan and said “Well that’s all good and well until you bring your baby home and it has eczema and you have to rip them all out again”. So my advice? Don’t feed the lion. xx
Posie Patchwork says
Love a bit of blog therapy. My most suitable example is a mother at school who, hates the school (but drives 20km to use it, as she clearly hates all the schools in her local area more); the teachers are crap – she usually says this after i rave about a particular teacher who was brilliant with my child, disaster to her child; & her son who has learning difficulties & will never live up to his amazingly talented sister, it’s not his fault, it’s everyone elses?? Honestly, after 3 years of listening to her crap, well not listening as i counter act her with “well it works for my child & we’re thrilled to be here” she has finally left the school. She can go blame someone else & bore other mothers to death. FYI she had an accidental baby after 40 & that poor child is dragged around with the most unhappy mother who constantly tells everyone what a dent in the finances the baby has been. See, she’s charming??!! Um, wouldn’t you celebrate a surprise natural baby after going through dozens of IVFs for the first 2?? I couldn’t muster any of my pyschological training to deal with her (not for free thanks) when she was such a downer & life sucker. Oh my, so thrilled to not have to deal with her anymore. There are some Nellies you just have to let go, some battles aren’t worth winning, not when you have uplifting fun friends right there waiting to make you laugh. Love Posie
MultipleMum says
I must say I have seen you in action with these Nelly types. You are the master. The queen. I always get dragged in and the glass half empty me gets a bit going. I must start using these divergency tactics. Love love love this series.
MultipleMum says
PS: Think I might have made that word up but I think it works?
Just Martha says
I just l-o-v-e your wise blogs and the way they are so useful! Thanks. PS: I left a message for Lori, thanks…
Fiona says
Wonderful postLD
Penny says
hmmm thanks for the tips. Thankfully I don’t run into my negative Nellie too often but I’ll know what to do when I do!
Love your witty-ness (sp?)
The Clip Cafe says
I love your posts. I fear I have been a nellie at one point or another (not continually i hope!!!) You pointers are very good for dealing with neg nells 🙂 Poor Lori xx thanks for letting us know ( i saw it yesterday too ) Does anyone know what happened?
whereamigoingagain says
Negative Nellie’s get my knickers in knots… ignore the negative stuff and only respond to positive stuff 🙂
Being Me says
I’m with PEACHES, your insights on the human condition should be text book study for kids in school. Seriously! It’s absolutely gold. And I could just imagine a bit of cartoonery that would accompany every other suggestion. It. Could. Work. You ought to compile it into a book 😉
I’ve known a fair few, I think you’ve adequately covered everything I either a) have tried and b) didn’t try because I just couldn’t be fagged with the charades anymore. Now, my usual M.O. is simply to grunt and walk away. I’m jaded like that.
Kymmie says
Love this post. I Pollyanna my way through these on a very regular basis, and then get the hell out of there! I’m no Nellie Magnet. But my mum on the other hand…
Bec says
love this post, such awesome little tips! Its good to remember for our own self talk too isnt it. I think we can all be negative nellies sometimes and its just a matter of changing the way we talk to ourselves!
House of Dust and Fur says
Thanks for the tips! Both my mum and one of my friends are both Nellie’s. Spending time with either of them is hell, the will to live just gets sucked right out of you!
My main problem is that neither of them stop talking for long enough to even get a word in. And then as soon as I do say something I realise they aren’t listening to me anyway :O
Sorry for my long rant! I shall try your methods. B.