It’s true I have a love-hate relationship with People. I love to meet new ones and make friends; but at the same time I loathe the general public and am wary of newcomers. I know: another complete contradiction in my life. Just call me Ms Hyjekell.
I think one of the reasons that I am wary is because I have been bitten many times by the Desperate Newcomer (DN). That friendly person you meet at playgroup / the park / the pub whose company you find pleasant enough such that you casually swap phone numbers and a ‘we must meet again’.
Only there’s nothing casual about it.
We must meet again.
You catch up for coffee with the kids in tow. You go to the pub for a quiet glass of whine. After that they are stapled to your sleeve at every social engagement you find yourself at and before you know it, they’ve invited themselves to your family BBQ. People soon refer to you as Besties and thus you bewilderingly find yourself ensonced with someone whom you barely know and are fast starting to loathe on sight. Don’t they have any other friends?
So, just how do you edge out the DN before the claustrophobia sets in?
1. Be wary of anyone who talks incessantly about how many friends they have
They haven’t got any.
2. Be alert around the Pinnerdownerer
The Pinnerdownerer is that person who when you vaguely say ‘we should get the gang together soon’ says ‘how about tomorrow at 7, my place, you bring dessert, Mary’s on nibbles?’ Every group of friends needs a Pinnerdownerer or no one would ever actually meet up. We would all just stay home cosy and comfy in our little nests watching How I Met Your Mother A Thousand Shows From Now re-runs. So, while we acknowledge that the Pinnerdownerer is an important organising role it is very easy for them to tip into DN territory. Try not to be pinned down too regularly.
3. Time the first contact
Both the timing of and the duration. If someone you’ve recently met calls you within a matter of days and spends at least 10 minutes getting to the ‘come over on Saturday point, you will not want to be available on Saturday.
4. Observe during the Uncomfortable Absence
Sometimes you meet a family and you all just get along so fabulously that before you know it you’ve spent the past three weekends together, are planning to share a holiday house over Easter and your children are wearing each others’ clothes. Regardless of how much you like the family, how similar you are and how great your time together is, you will wake up on the Monday after the third consecutive Sunday BBQ and think ‘Oooh. Awkward’. Whereby you will avoid them like the plague for at least two weeks before happily resuming your friendship. This is normal, they feel the exact same way and they will be avoiding you right back.
If you receive any type of contact from the other family during the two week Uncomfortable Absence period, you can be sure they are Desperate Newcomers and no further contact should be made.
5. Sadly, you can’t just avoid them
If you fail to spot a DN and soon find yourself the object of their affection, it’s tempting to use our favourite Difficult People technique: ignore them until they go away. Unfortunately our old stand-by just doesn’t work with the DN. Ignoring them makes them perkier and more time-consuming than ever as they try to win their way back into your heart. You have to remember that you are new forever best friends with this person.
No, the only way to successfully eradicate a DN is to find them a new best friend. Have a chat to your social team and find out if anyone else has a DN they are trying to palm. Introducing DNs to each other is not just a community service, it’s a match made in everlasting heaven.
m.e (Cathie) says
oh my Ms Maxabella, you are just hilarious!!
i can’t add a thing..too busy giggling and in the words of the great Homer J. Simpson… “it’s funny because it’s true!”
♥
x0xJ says
I wondered, Is this me? But after reading some more, no, i don’t think it is. Besides my BFF who we sorta seem to live in one anothers back pockets since reestablishing contact since we were 16 last year. I’m the one always popping around, she’s the one always calling me up when i’m not around. Maybe we are one anothers DN’s?
But otherwise, no. I am the flakey type person, who is happy to chat with some people when out (i usually avoid coversation though) but make plans? Nah. I’d rather just live in my bubble at home thanks. Lol.
You should add to these a section like “Five ways to know you’re a ….”
zigsma says
I think I may be a DN…
MultipleMum says
I came across one of these types when Nugget started school. It went badly for me to start. Got sucked right in but it wasn’t long before I untangled the web. Ignoring does work. Eventually. But you have to have mates in on it too!
Toni says
I’ve been seen as the DN, on more than one occasion. In my defence, I’ve had to move a lot.
While you’re very busy for the first couple of weeks re-arranging the new house, settling the kids in to a new routine etc, after a while you start to miss having GFs to have coffee with. Mums need connection, we’re built that way.
Sadly, not every community welcomes newcomers. It’s pretty hard to avoid desperation when only ONE person has said more than hello to you.
Maybe not every DN wants to be desperate; it’s just all they’re left with.
Sarah says
I’m with Toni on this. I’ve watched my beautiful sister in law move several times over the years. Each time she’s had to work very hard to establish new friendship networks for herself and the kids. She’s often fretted about it and worried about being seen as pushy, but when you are new somewhere you have to be a “pinnerdowner” don’t you? Food for thought tonight Maxabella. But your posts often are 🙂
_vTg_ says
Like two of the first four comments, I started reading this wondering whether it might be talking about people like me who try to be friendly. People like me who try to avoid being cliquey and who, when they say “let’s meet again”, actually mean it and feel bad if they then stand the other person up. (I HATE the vacuous “let’s meet again” as a way to say “I have better things to do than meet again, as you’ll see when I never follow up”)
I can sort of see your point, and yes, it’s a funny caricature, but I think it gets a bit to Yummy Mummy to assume people who make the effort to be friendly are destined to be annoying…. or did I miss the point entirely?
Either way, I guess I should zip my lip and avert my eyes tomorrow at new-kinder dropoff, in case I am already getting the DN tag? Or have I just not met a true DN?
Lucy says
Shudder. My SIL, she IS this. She does it to all my friends. Shits me entirely.
Tai Tai says
I definitely agree with the comments above! Being a newbie in a new town there’s a lot of nervousness about making new friends, real friends! As rudimentary and as that sounds!! But I think you’re talking about something else all together Maxabella? More like the sticky stalker that invades your personal space and ignores that “getting to know you stage”?
Mama Mogantosh says
This one cracked me up. My problem is that I’m deceptively friendly. I love chatting and catching up randomly at dropoffs and quick coffees, so I appear as though I want to be great mates. But if people want to actually do organised things, I hate it. I just want to stay at home and drink tea on the lounge.
melissa says
I went to comment before anyone else, went away to think (and reflect on myself) and came back to say similar to some above.
Haivng been the new kid at school quite often, and having had to make new mummy friends since having kids (since none of my old friends had kids) I have spent way too much time in my life going home from events wondering if I was being ‘too needy’. Did I talk too much, not enough? Did I say the wrong thing? Were they just being polite and maybe they don’t ever want to catch up.
I went so far the other way that I never initiate things until I am firm friends… and posts like that make me remember why.
Definitely food for though Maxabella… but maybe a bit too close to home for me. 🙁
Maxabella says
You nailed my thinking perfectly, Tai Tai. Not against friendly new friends (hence my comment ‘you catch up for coffee with the kids’), just friendly new stalkers (hence my comment ‘they’ve invited themselves to your family BBQ’).
Besides, we’re in tongue-in-cheekyville here (come on, all my ‘Difficult People’ posts are such!). Besides, I seriously defy anyone to say that they’ve never had DN tendencies. We’ve all been there. Hopefully we can have a chuckle about it. Hopefully? x
Maxabella says
PS – I’m very interested to know why I got not one ‘lay off’ comment about my Competitive Parent post… not a one!! Heh, heh. x
Louisa says
As always, I just love reading your posts and this one made me laugh!
Mama of 2 boys says
Geez you are clever Maxabella and so SO funny! Great post. I love this idea of the DN, but when I got to thinking if I have any examples of this happening in my life, I realised that your 5 tips & traps are actually describing just the D people I have known. They’re not always necessarily ‘new’ on the scene, but boy do they demonstrate one or MORE of those attributes you have described in your list. I particularly like the pinnerdownerer, as I know someone like this and she has no qualms in pinning down new AND old people in her life. But I’m a little unsure now if that’s desperate or just a control freak. Little of column A, little of column B I feel.
Ms Styling You says
I’m just curious, Maxbella … will you be at Ausblogcon? I hope so because you make me laugh so much I’m going to pull out every DN technique until you relent and become my new BFF. #joking
Farmers Wifey says
Oh this is great! I hate to say that I may just be one of these…ohhhhh lol
Megan says
I agree with Melissa, I got so paranoid about being the DN in the country town I used to live in (for 5 years and where I didn’t feel welcomed by anyone within 10 years either side of my age in the whole time) that I didn’t go places without an invite or to the local pub/club without a friend (which I didn’t have and therefore didn’t go) because I didn’t want to DN my way into people’s conversations who may not really want to talk to me. Feeling this way meant I stayed home a LOT of the time and I began to develop some major anxiety issues over the thought of having to go out and attempt to socialise with these people who never included me.
On the flip side though, I have also experienced my fair share of DN’s, possibly because I felt sorry for them because I knew how they felt and tried to include them, which meant they thought I was their new BFF. They were not some much newcomers though as just constantly desperate for friends in a very leechy and lonely type of way. I tried to be nice and include them but you are right, they are Very Hard Work and Claustrophobic Causing.
I still feel sorry for them though, lonliness sucks.
My New Normal says
I was most definitely a DN when I first moved to England.
Lucky for me I joined an expat club that was full of DN’s. So none of us minded.
Tricia Rose says
Love the DN matchmaking technique! Both adroit and kind.
My sister says that now what she looks for in friendships is ‘wide and shallow’ – she is actually full up on deep and meaningful. She has a point.
Tatter Beans says
I think I was scared of being the DN when I first moved to the states..that scared that even now three yrs later I only have one or two people I would call friends… I think I was that scared of being needy that I just back off from trying to make friends…and let me just say its hard to make friends when you move like I did..cause they are already in their friendships…and dont always want a DN in the way … well thats what I found …
Brenda @ Mira Narnie says
heahahahhehehahah! “cue” – me rolling on floor laughing!!!!
LOVE IT! Oh yes, nothing like being a mother, joining all these groups and the DN is popping up all over the place. I’ve learnt to spot them (i think) and I try really hard not to be one! On the other hand, not being near any family, means it’s nice to finds friends through places like kinder, playgroup and gymbaroo etc. You just have to have your DN radar on and tuned in!
I think my only tip is to get Caller ID and get yourself a private phone number – HELLOOOO screening!!!
Suddenly i’m never home with a DN calls!
have a fabulous Friday my love xx
Being Me says
I”m deceptively friendly like Mama Mogantosh. But for you, Maxabella, I shall make an exception. So. When are you free for me to drop round with these fresh muffins I’ve just baked for you?
A Farmer's Wife says
The problem with country towns is you aren’t considered local until you have lived there for at least ten years! That’s a lot of years to spend as a newcomer.
Putting yourself out there to make friends is a bit like dating in a way. Scary, and makes you question yourself and how you are coming across. I think that has come through in your comments.
I do agree with the bit about people who are BFFs very early on. I think friendships need time to grow almost organically and every time someone has tried to be my “best” friend quickly I have been very afraid….
I love these posts. They make everyone think a little bit.
Heather says
Funny! I think I was a tad DN when we moved! Generally I love a chat with whoever is around. Am very friendly and will always look to include people who look a bit lost and left out. However that is where it ends. I am happy to go home to my little nest…catch up? Hell no! Maybe you should post about that little oddity at some point. x
Wendy says
You crack me up, Ms. M! This is priceless…
Bek says
I had never thought about this aspect of social doings, and yet I know exactly what you mean!
Despite being a friendly hermit I think I have had mild DN tendencies in the past too… but ultimately I think being reflective about these tendencies and being a true DN are probably mutually exclusive.
tartankiwi says
I’ll admit it! When I first read this post, it worried me. I kept on asking myself if I was one of the people that you describe. I guess it was all just a bit too close to the bone for someone who YET AGAIN finds herself in the situation where she needs to build up a new network of friends due to a house move.
BUT, my mind has been put at rest! I observed a desperate newcomer at work and saw her doing almost all of the things that you describe in this post. I am happy to admit that I am nothing like her… phew!
Katie says
We’ve recently moved and I’m finding it so hard being a new person. Sometimes I wonder if I come across as being desperate (and to be honest I do feel a bit desperate sometimes – life is so much better with friends). But in the end I decided it doesn’t really matter I’ll just continue being friendly and if we click that’s great and if not who cares! I do know what you mean about pinner downers, it is so hard to know how to tread around them without being rude! Just got lost in your blog. So much interesting things to read about!