On Saturday I found myself wandering into one of those random shopping centre Chinese massage places. My back was killing me and I thought a little massage might bring me some relief.
Everyone was very official and efficient looking in their white uniforms and matching smiles. People were blissed out at the reflexology chairs, offering a fabulous advertisement for the services rendered. I figured I could get a half-decent massage for a reasonable price. I said, “I’d like an hour massage on my back, neck and shoulders please.”
An ancient lady dressed entirely in black stepped up to the counter beside me. She came up to my waist. I could have rested my drink on her toothless head. She stared up at me with the sort of contempt usually reserved for murderers.
“I do her,” she said.
“Oh… really?” Ignoring the old witch and talking directly to the official and efficient looking woman behind the counter. “I really need someone, you know, strong. And tall. I’m tall… I…”
“She’ll do you,” came the firm reply.
I followed as the old lady shuffled out the through the main room, past the staff kitchen and through a door at the very back of the shop. The room was dim and crammed full of paperwork and potions and fungi. An entire cabinet was devoted to acupuncture needles. The shopping centre seemed very, very far away.
“On table,” the ancient lady barked, pointing a gnarled finger at the sturdy massage table. “I come back, you have no bra on, you got it? Lie face down.”
“Oh, okay, yes!” I yelped.
Climbing up onto the huge table I wondered how that tiny old thing was even going to reach my back let alone give me a satisfactory pummeling. “Fifty bucks,” I groaned.
She shuffled back in and barked, “You want melt stuff? I got melt stuff.”
“Yeah, okay, whatever,” I sighed, willing the whole thing to be over.
She poured something onto my back that felt hot and cold at the same time. Fumes of menthol and wintergreen and something pungent but unidentifiable (probably eye of newt) made my eyes water. The smell went straight to my brain and made my ears rush and my head spin. Disorientated, I barely noticed that she had climbed onto the massage table with me until suddenly I was aware that a toe was holding my neck flat to the table. Dear god, what is she doing? She held onto ropes suspended from the ceiling and she just ground her feet and toes into my back like she was putting out hot coals. She elbowed me, she kneed me, she punched me, she slapped me.
“For the love of god,” I squealed.
“You, quiet!” She ordered. “You too impatient. And you got big bottom.”
She slipped and slid through all the melt stuff and insulted me left, right and centre. “You too fat.” Elbow, elbow. “You don’t relax enough.” Hit, shove. “You carry child on both hip, not one, you got it?” Punch, punch. “Stand on both feet, not one, you got it?” Shove, knee, push.
Oh my god, I thought, she’s a maniac! It felt like she had put me in the washing machine and pressed ‘Heavy Duty’.
“You drink that diet coke stuff. No good, you got it? You stop!” Slap, slap, punch.
“Yes, yes I’ll stop, I’ll stop!” Thinking, oh my god, how does she know that? She’s a psychic freak* who’s been sent to kill me.
“How long you book for?” she shouted.
“An hour,” I heaved. “One hour!”
“I do 45 minute. You can’t handle whole hour.”
“I. think. you’re. right.” I gasped.
Next thing you know she’s whisper-soft, delicately massaging the knots in my neck. “Ah, see,” she crooned. “You like that, lady? Nice, eh?”
I melted along with the melt stuff, mewing like a tiny kitten. “Ah, that’s lovely,” I purred.
But POW the witch was not dead. She smacked me a mighty blow to the left shoulder. “This better,” she barked.
Forty-five minutes later it was over. I rolled off the bench and hunched into my clothes, whimpering softly. I stood up to walk out and every single bone in my back cracked and popped like a percussion set. My foot felt weak on the floor. God, what if she’s paralysed me?
But miraculously my legs moved and walking to the front counter, I found myself unfolding like an accordian. I realised that I hadn’t felt this good in… years. I felt… straight. I felt… vital. I beamed from ear to ear. The old lady stood humped beside the counter, barely visible over the rim.
“You come back,” the old lady said, a statement, not a question.
“Yes,” I said. “I come back.”
“I do needles next time.”
* Only later did I realise that I’d left a bottle of diet coke in the tray under the massage table.
[Image from the movie Marie Antoinette (Sony Pictures)]
Simone says
Oh, I havent laughed so much in ages! Sorry it is at your expense 😉 I have never ventured into one of those chinese massage places after they almost broke a bone in my husbands foot , hope you’re back is feeling better xx
Jane@flightplatformliving says
made me laugh out loud all the way through! so so funny! xxxx
amberlee says
oh i loved that, made me laugh! I love chinese massage places and have had very similar and wonderful experiences!
Kellie says
Those Chinese massage places are the BOMB.
The $5 neck massage is one of my favourite things in the world.
Pain is good!
Michelle says
I have visions of the whole ordeal like I was a fly on the wall! I treat myself to a full body relaxing massage (not hard rough ones I hate those!) once every few months. Total bliss afterwards isnt it.
Shelley says
Me like. Me like very much. 🙂
I have never had a massage in my life – I keep telling myself next week, next month I’ll go and spoil myself. Though maybe spoil isn’t the right word to use after reading this post! You come back and keep writing good blog okay? xx
Lucy says
Oh my love! The whole thing sounds utterly bizarre but ended up being wonderful? WILL you go back? The idea of someone telling me my bodily faults terrifies me!
You give good blog lady, you really do.
xx
PS It reminds me to blog of my threading tale. Shudder.
Salamander says
Talk about snort!!! I just laughed so hard I did one of those involuntary exceptionally unattractive snorty guffaws (and a tiny little bit of wee escaped…TMI??) Please, please go back to see her again!! I need a sequel!!! xxxx
Brenda @ Mira Narnie says
OMG! You are the reason i need to work on my pelvic floor muscles – excuse me being explicit, but you are just too freaking hilarious!!! I can just see it, i can imagine her, and you, and i;ve never laid eyes on either of you. Oh thankyou for the laughs – i’m glad i stopped by and i’m glad your back is feeling better.
you funny, you make me smile, you keep blogging this crazy stuff. ok!
xx
Life In A Pink Fibro says
Dear God, you are SO funny. I am suffocating as I read this and try not to laugh so loudly that I wake everyone in the house. Sign me up. I need me some of that melt stuff.
LionessLady says
I just laughed so hard tea came out of my nose.
kim at allconsuming says
Oh I stare at those places yearning for a decent blissfully painful massage but then think they’re just having a laugh at us gullible whiteys while all the while they’re actually studying accounting at uni and know bugger all about massage. Wait. That’s really really racist isn’t it. Oh man. See, I can’t win, and my neck is still killing me.
Lady Estrogen says
That was fastastic – I could see it happening as a TV comedy skit 🙂
Tas says
Oh dearie me. Imagine what she will do with those needles!
Doodah says
Beautifully written – I felt like I was on the table…but I was giggling (and wetting my pants!)
flowerpress says
Perfect.
I need her to run my life.
And if you aren’t writing a book you should start now. Beautifully written!
PinkPatentMaryJanes says
Now I know it’s not nice to laugh at other’s misfortune and pain – but hell lady, you had me crying, guffawing and spitting out imaginary coffee. What a vivid picture you paint.
Kymmie says
Oh Bron, that was better than a scene in a comedy! And I love it had a happy ending. And you’re definitely going back? I would. That was too entertaining to miss again!
(And no, I don’t get massages. But I pass those places and consider it every. time.) xx
Mama of 2 boys says
You are TOO BLOODY FUNNY! You could sell that story and make a mint from it. Awesome, awesome stuff. You know I walked past one of those little massage shops in my local Westfield on Fri. I’ve never come so close to walking in, just for a head, neck & shoulder jobbie. If it weren’t for my 9 month old having just woken up from a nap and needing to get him home for a bottle, I just might have toddled in for a treat.
Reading your story, I’m kinda glad that ship sailed. But maybe next time… and if I do, I’ll be thinking of you Maxabella. Bless you & your wonderful posts xo
Adriana says
Fantastic story…
I loved every bit of it!
Naturally Carol says
I had no idea places like that even existed here in Australia..I thought they were the imaginations of the people that wrote the screenplays for James Bond,007…lol! I am sure you can hear her now every time you lift a kid onto a hip or stand on one foot..haha. I love the way you tell this..do you write action movies?
Paula Gonzales Rohrbacher says
This is one of the funniest blog posts I have ever read! Thanks so much for leaving a comment on MY blog, so I could come over and read yours. I almost wet my pants laughing.
I am definitely following you, and bookmarking you on my computer!
Anna Walker says
Bahaha! Oh my goodness! I can’t believe that happened to you!
I don’t treat myself to much of anything ha. I just can’t afford it! 😀
I think I have a $20 allowance for coffee places per month! That’s my little treat!
http://annawalker1992.blogspot.com/
Metropolitan Mum says
“You, quiet!” She ordered. “You too impatient. And you got big bottom.”
Hahahaha. Sorry, but that’s really funny. And I am allowed to laugh, as my monthly indulgence is at the Chinese massage shop around the corner. I have been there, too, literally :-))
Flaming Nora says
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. You sure have got the gift for story telling.
Naomi says
I have walked past those places so many times and after reading your experience really don’t know if I am brave enough to go in! Your experience was just too funny and I love the image of a short little old lady whipping you into shape. Hilarious!
Georgie says
Laughing here! gxo (and pleased that you feel better…)
Amy xxoo says
Late last year i had a massage at one of those shopping centre places and though the old Chinese man i had didnt seem overly psychic, he did go pretty rough on me…and i felt AMAZING at the end.
Strangely tho, i have had one of those “psychic Chinese person ” experiences. About 10 years ago i was in Chinatown in sydney with my family and i was in a small shop checking out their Buddha statues ( which i collect ) and this old man says ” that your dad? ” pointing out the door at my father. After a yes he goes out saying ” you come in. you bad back. need massage. Give you this ” ( or words to that effect ) which convinced my dad to come in, get a massage, and the guy gave my dad a self-massager thingy ( which i have since claimed as my own ). So where the psychic bit? My dad has had arthritis in his back since his early 20’s and only a few years later he had a spinal fusion…
Andrea says
I need her.
Penny says
Sooo funny and well written! I’m in awe of this lady, that people like her actually exist. And the insults?!
But if she made you feel so good, well why not?
The budget doesn’t quite stretch to massages, but one day, I def would treat myself
Hannah McNulty and Baby Moo says
Oh.My.God. How much do I owe you for an absolutely freaking huge Monday morning laugh! I even read your post out to my husbo to share the giggles with him.
Leah says
Oh my god that was hilarious!! I have been beaten up in one of those places too, at least without the verbal assault LOL But also without the feeling great after. I couldn’t believe I was paying to get pumelled and not saying anything!!!
But my biggest shock came with a head massage one time where she PUT HER FINGER IN MY EARS. I felt dirty.
The last McZhong massage I got was spot on, didn’t hurt and helped and he was a spunky little engineering student. 1 out of about 20 massages is a crappy hit rate tho!
Absolute Novice says
Bahaha you had me in hysterics!! I’ve had the opposite luck with mine, I had a chiro pretty much jump on my back. He said the pain would get worse, but then better. He was right about the first part!!
Megan Blandford says
Laughing so hard here!
We had a waitress like that once in London – we walked in and she came over and said, “Toast. Bacon. Eggs. Coffee.” We just nodded as she walked off (I don’t even drink coffee…) and ate what she gave us.
At least we weren’t lying half naked on a massage table though…
Tammi says
This is THE funniest thing I have read in ages, I literally have tears streaming down my face!!
I am so glad to hear you feel better…I have had lower back problems since the birth of our fifth and am not sure whether you have put me off getting some treatment or not 🙂
Have a lovely week
xx
Tina ~ tina gray dot me says
This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time! So, was it worth it?
Melissa says
Sounds terrifying…ly intriguing. Probably just what I need.
Except for the ‘you too fat’ thing. Then I’d just cry and cram my prenisone up her ass.
Glad you felt better though. Do you still?
Miss Pink says
Oh LMAO!
Those Chinese places scare me too much to go there.
Glad you enjoyed it!!!
Wendy says
Frickin’ hilarious! Thanks, dear–I needed that!
anushka says
hilarious! what a great story… you tell it very well. i loved reading this. not sure i can handle that kind of massage, but it sounds like it was worth it in the end.
therhythmmethod says
Love it. Very funny.
Photographer Mum says
That’s gold! I love treating myself to those Chinese massages – they’re awesome!
Fiona says
😀 Love it! Gotta be cruel to be kind!
mel @ loved says
Oh My God!! That is hysterical, Bron! What a terrifying, yet brilliant experience, I love it! I’ve often walked past those places and wondered..now I’m not sure if I’m too scared or busting to give it a go!
MultipleMum says
You don’t remember the time that you and Mum minded my newborn twins for a couple of hours and I snuck in a massage? I think I had this crazy woman’s granddaughter. Same ‘sharing my table’ technique and painful, but oh so good afterwards. You hilarious!
Jodi Gibson says
Brilliant post. Oh thank you for sharing.
I wonder if it felt so good after what she had done or just that she had finished!
Joni Llanora says
I’ve always wandered pass those massage shops & wanted to try but scared to. But i obviously need one now so maybe tomorrow I’ll brave it out like you!
Tai Tai says
Too funny. I completely understand the experience living on the doorstep to China! They have zero social skils (as us Westerners know people skills anyway), but have an insane ability to move you and touch you in ways that just make ALL the difference! Glad you’re feeling better for it too. Great post x
Miss Kitty-Cat says
Oh dear! I have now read this twice and I have laughed both times!
I’d love a massage but I want a really nice relaxing one. I might skip the Chinese version! But I bet it made you feel awesome once the initial pain subsided. K x
Rosalind says
ha ha ha I am still laughing – my first ever massage was quite the experience, the lady kept tapping my butt cheeks and telling me to relax! ha ha I kept clenching them. Thanks for the good belly laugh.
Silver Threads of Happiness says
Ahaha! Love it. I had expectations as to what you were going to say about your first asian massage, as I remember my first one! I used to go to the asian ones all the time but now I have a regular masseuse so I haven’t been to one in a while. It’s amazing when they jump up on the table and walk all over you the first time.
I treat myself to a massage about once a month, the good hard ones are definitely the best in terms of results and I’ve learned to love a bit of massage pain! Do go back, they are definitely worth it!
Sam-O says
It took me back a few years – hilarious. But a warning it is so addictive. I go fortnightly for 95minutes at a time!
It’s amazing. They always know waaay more than they should about you and they always whip out something new, just whenyou think you’ve seen it all and there are no moe surprises left!
Faith Hope and a whole lotta Love says
OMG that’s hilarious!!! classic! hope you are feeling on top of the world now…..every time I walk past the massage place at my local shopping centre I will giggle & think of you! XO
Frog, Goose and Bear says
Too funny! I’m far too petrified to go into one of those places now! I’ll think of you and have a chuckle every time I walk past though 🙂
Becky says
Oh. My. Gosh. THIs is hilarious. I have been contemplating having my first ever massage but I am not convinced about some person touching me and stuff… and now I am pretty sure I really don’t want one!!
MonetPaisley says
Heeheheehe, great story telling. I want what you got, where is thos massage place? I can never find anyone to do me hard enough. That little lady sounds awesome.
Tracy aka Mad Quilter says
ROFL – I’m glad you feel better for all of that! So you been back yet?
Create With Joy says
What a great post – you had me in stitches – I shared this with Prince Charming and he was in stitches too!
Have a wonderful weekend!
Ramona
http://create-with-joy.com
Veronica :: MamaJots says
I apologise in advance…but that is the funniest post i have ever read. Thank you for making me laugh!
Lovely Light says
This made me laugh so much! I had to read it out loud to my husband- he liked it too.
Thanks for adding to my evening!
MummyDichotomy says
Love it! That made me laugh out loud all the way through
A Farmer's Wife says
That is just hilarious. I have to know. Did you go back? And did you get the needles?
Hi from the Fibro!
Amanda says
LOL!!! I’m glad it was you and not me though. I don’t mind continuing to feel a little crooked. Did you ever go back??
So Now What? says
Hilarious! I go to the “Beijing Clinic” here at my local whenever my back is playing up. They fucking cane me everytime (and inappropriately try to get me to take my undies off) everytime.
Ahh, Miss Max, you make me laugh. x
Daisy, Roo and Two says
That was spit-my-tea-out, wake-my-kids-out-guffawing funny funny stuff! Loved it!
Catherine says
You win, humor goddess!! Absolutely hilarious.
And massage is my treat of choice although I’ve never had anyone stand on my back or insult me while doing it!
Kellie says
That is absolutely hilarious!! Too funny.
You know, my mum does massage (nothing like this though, my gawd) yet I have never had a massage, despite really needing one! I tend to always have facials instead.
Hi, from the Fibro!
Seana Smith says
Hilarious! Thanks so much for sharing your pain! Giving your readers stitches and tears of hilarity.
Voluptacon says
Hahah! Oh dear, you poor love.
Have you recovered yet (physically as well as psychologically?)?
Mrs Woog says
That was fucking hilarious! They can be very tactful hey… like when you walk down the street in Thailand and vendors yell out “WE HAVE BIG SIZE FOR YOU!”
Melissa says
Here from the rewind. This is the second time I’ve read this, and it was JUST as funny! Actual Laugh out loud stuff. I can totally see this as it plays out. 😀 So glad you reposted it.
Niki Hudson says
Pure comedy! Thank you for the great chuckle 🙂 I have always heard horror stories about the massage gone awry, but luckily never experienced it myself. I had an absolutely lovely lavender aromatherapy massage yesterday, as a matter of fact. It’s not something I do often, but that’s what makes it such a treat! At least you left feeling recharged and with a most excellent story to tell!
Life In A Pink Fibro says
I can’t read it again. My pelvic floor isn’t up to it. But you know how much I love it.
Penny at Mother Natured says
Hilarious! I could imagine the whole scene and your face, I could imagine your face! Did you ever go back?
Maxabella says
I never went back… 🙂
Erin says
I was wondering that. Go back.. you could write a follow up post;)
Oh I laughed the whole way through the post. lol