I have always loved that expression “march to the beat of your own drum”. Wouldn’t it be a wonderful way to raise our children – to be inward thinking rather than concerning themselves with what ‘others think’ all the time. Ah, the magic of freeing them from our own burdens!
The trouble is, in order to march to your own beat, you’ve got to be able to hear the beat in the first place. There is just so much going on out there that it’s often really hard to listen inside.
There are two factors that stall many children as they strive to show off the person they are inside. The first factor is their gale-force drive to belong to their peer group – a well-documented phenomenon that seems to strike kids by second grade but is certainly observable as young as three and impenetrable by twelve. Tackling this one is a whole new post, so for now let’s just focus on the second factor… us.
We parents are often the reason that kids ‘pretend’ to be something they’re not. The reason that they stop listening to their marching beat and walk aimlessly around instead. Lots of kids are drilled from birth in the expectations of their parents – be it their interests, the sports they play, the people they play with or the way they do things. We say stuff like:
“Put on a dress for the party so you look nice,” when our daughter would rather wear jeans and a t-shirt.
“Why would you want to play that?” when our son wants to join his sisters in fairyland.
“You’re doing soccer and that’s all there is to it,” when our children would rather play chess.
“Let’s invite Jess over for a play,” when our child would rather play with Sam.
Every single choice we help them make is sending them a message about what we think is the ‘right’ way to do something. Of course, our role as their parent is to help guide them on their life’s course, but we need to be really careful that we are in fact guiding them, not steering them. We want to give them the opportunity to get to know their own preferences and to be their shiny self in any situation. To hear the beat of their drum.
So, how can we best help our child to listen for the music and proudly march to their beat?
Ask them stuff
By taking the time to ask your child about how they see the world we can get to know them and accept their choices, no matter what their age. There are rules to follow in life so we can all get along, but other than that there is no right or wrong way to be. Ask them what they think about all kinds of things – from the trivial such as their opinion on dinner, colours or clothing preferences to more serious questions about people, relationshps and the way they see their life today and tomorrow. I enjoy finding out how my children tick by asking them questions like:
- “Who is the funniest person in your class? What makes them funny?”
- “Why do you think the shopkeeper put that in the window?”
- “What’s the best thing a friend can do for another friend?”
- “Where do you think our mind goes when we sleep?”
What we are saying to our children when we ask their opinion is, the way you see the world matters. You matter. We are also telling them that it’s okay to have an opinion in the first place and share it with others. You will be very surprised by both the answers and the maturity behind the thinking when you ask your child some rather random questions!
Talk to them
Every night I talk to my kids about their day. We do ‘best of, worst of, things I’m looking forward to’ (we have a song and dance that goes with it, but that’s another story!). We tell each other about our days and everyone helps each other to work out how to fix the ‘worst bits’ and how to make more of the best bits.
The key here is that my husband and I share too. We’re not just asking our children, we are telling them about my own experiences and helping them get to know us too. We sometimes forget how desperately our kids want to get to know us in return. Allowing them to observe the way we manage our own life is a wonderful way to teach them about managing their own. I’m listening to my beat, we are telling them, are you listening to yours?
Show them all life
Get out and about with your kids and see as many sights and meet as many different people as possible. So many parents are caught up in signing their kids up for extra-curricular classes so they can ‘see if they like / are good at things’, but they forget that experiencing life through friendship is the best way to learn. You need to leave enough space in every week to explore.
Head out to a new suburb or town, take a trip overseas if you can manage it or simply take time each week to discover a new place via the internet. Seek out people who are different to yourself and get to know them. We are so used to the ‘easy fix’ of hanging out with people who are just like we are that we forget to give time to the ‘harder’, yet often more rewarding, friendships with people who aren’t.
Getting to know people with cultural, social, economic and ethical differences from our own teaches our children more than a class possibly ever could. Enrich their world with all that life has to offer and they will bloom in ways you never expected.
Let them take the lead
What do you want to do today?
It’s a simple question, but with an answer that has endless possibilities. Letting out kids take the lead reveals so much about the things they are really interested in. What they choose for the family to do may surprise you enormously.
Surround them with love
I’ll finish on an obvious one. Just love them. For all their funny little choices and quirky little ways. Try never to be embarrassed on their behalf and try not to worry about things unless they are worried. Let them live with freedom and curiosity and if you want to raise free-spirited children try not to concern yourself with what ‘others think’ of them all the time. Your kids won’t care what anyone else thinks of what they’re doing and nor should you. Let’s face it, what those mean-spirited ‘others’ think has probably held you back your whole life… don’t unintentionally teach your children to make the same mistake.
How do you help your child hear their beat?
This post was originally published on Village Voices.