Ah, my husband. My husbie, my light. He’s the best husband in the world and he doesn’t even have to try. He’s a good husband because he’s a good person… but being a good husband is a little bit more than that.
I’m a great advocate for marriage, I believe in it and I’ve written about it a lot over the years. This is my favourite post I’ve ever written about marriage. The thing is, I don’t believe that marriage should be the hardest thing you ever do. I actually don’t think it should be a particularly hard at all. I think marriage should be the most uplifting, joyous, heartwarming, carefree and grounding thing in your life. My man and I are one of those loved-up couples that are always happy.
I know it’s nothing like that for a lot of people and I think that’s the saddest thing.
In my experience, when a marriage isn’t good it’s often for one of two reasons.
One, the couple isn’t friends any more.
You can tell when this is the case because they are just not considerate of each other. They don’t save the best bits to share with each other, rather they save up all their dirt and they come together at the end of the day and they dump that dirt on each other’s heads. Friends don’t do that.
Two, the couple aren’t in love any more.
They might be the greatest of friends and they love each other dearly, but they don’t flirt and they don’t go out of their way to make each other’s heart skip a beat. They’re like comfy old shoes with a hole in the sole that hurts a little each time you wear them, but not enough to go to the trouble of getting them resoled.
So, not friends and not lovers. I know these two things might seem contradictory, but they’re not. I think for a marriage to truly work, you have to be wildly in love with your very best friend. You want that little heart skip when they walk into a room, but you also want to make sure you’re treating them as the finest person you know. Because aren’t they? Isn’t your husband or wife the best, most interesting, most delectable person you know – because you chose them, right? Above everyone else, you chose them because they’re freaking amazing.
I know it’s a gross generalisation, but it’s also my experience that when things start to go pear-shaped in a marriage, it’s often because the wife feels let down by her husband. He’s not there for her, he doesn’t listen to her, he doesn’t let her into his life.
The interesting thing is that despite what society would seemingly have us believe, the vast majority of women I know are actually very self-contained. They don’t really want for much. Essentially, they get a lot of their emotional support and social care from their friends, so they’re not really asking for a lot of quality time from their husbands.
What she is asking for, though – and what only he can give her – is confirmation that she is the chosen one. Out of all the people in all the world, he picked her and she just wants to know that he would still pick her today… In a world that swarms with rejection and craves belonging, everyone deserves to know at least once a day that they are someone’s absolute, hands-down favourite.
So, back to my man and why he’s so deliciously good at being a husband. Every day, in every single way, in every single thing he says and does, he lets me know that he picked me yesterday, he would pick me today and he would pick me tomorrow in a heartbeat. I am his favourite.
That’s what makes a good husband. That’s what makes a good spouse.
What do you think makes a good husband / spouse?
Kelly Exeter says
Aw B – I love this. So much. And wholeheartedly agree with every word.
Maxabella says
That may well be a first, Kel 🙂
Kelly Exeter says
haha!
Kathy says
This is so soppy and so lovely and you’ve made me feel all fuzzy. Thanks.
Maxabella says
I love soppy. Love should be soppy in my opinion! And fuzzy is good too. x
Lila says
So heartwarming to read good things about good marriages. I think while it shouldn’t be hard there should be effort made to maintain the things that attracted you to each other in the first place. Whether it was intellect, humour, or other stuff.
You know what else I think is important? Sex. I’m not saying it has to be like when you first met but both parties need to be on the same page and open about their needs, otherwise those friendships and love start to crumble,
Maxabella says
Yep, definitely. That’s part of the lover bit… you’ve got to maintain the lust. x
Jodi Gibson (JF Gibson Writer) says
I always remember Dr. Phil (of all people) saying your partner should be your ‘soft place to fall’. Someone who gets you and is there for you in thick, thin and in between. And relationships should be more give and less take. The more you give, the more you will automatically get in return. Gorgeous post B x
Maxabella says
Well you know Dr Phil is my spirit guide, so it doesn’t surprise me that he makes so much sense. “Soft place to fall”, I like that. Provided it’s not literal, of course. 🙂
mia says
I would of loved my marriage to be like this lady is saying but unfortunately mine wasn’t. I gave and got not much back. I totally agree it should be a soft place to land, I agree with everything this lady is saying and that’s what I thought marriage was to.. I pray one day I experience this I really do. I am divorced and my dreams were completely shattered. I am so disillusioned by the whole marriage thing now.
Tania says
Me too. I thought I had this, but unfortunately not. I’m hoping I still find it, and if and when I do, it will be worth the wait.
Pinky Poinker says
Mine is my best friend. We enjoy each other’s company more than anyone else. I heard somewhere the other day it’s extremely hard to find a life partner and it’s so true. I didn’t find mine until I was 44 years old and had already been married and had five children. You two look so lovely together 🙂
Maxabella says
Yep, he loves me sans makeup and with goofy grin and a dozen chins. Now, that’s love. x
Tania says
You give me hope!
Emma says
Love it! I totally agree. I feel so so grateful that I found someone that I’m still head over heels for 17 years later. I hear so many people say how hard marriage is, but for me it’s just never felt hard.
Maxabella says
Agree, Em. I don’t know if that just makes us lucky, or wise. x
Helen K says
Lovely! I would say though that in my experience, while things have gone pear shaped in some cases due to the wife being let down by her husband, we also unfortunately have many friends with relationships where the husband was taken for granted – sometimes because he was less open about his emotional needs / need to be together (and therefore easily overlooked in the busyness of life, when we can easily feel we are being pulled in all directions). I know I can be guilty of this too – it’s something I have to be conscious of.
What’s resonated with us (once we got over the cheesiness of it) is ‘being each other’s biggest cheerleaders’ – we do try to pay attention to whether that is the case, or if we are straying into being each other’s major nit-pickers. We’re getting on to 16 years married and 20 years together, so bound to happen from time to time, but when it does, its time for action to get back on track. And for this to happen, you need two people who are at core committed to each other – so fortunate that this is the case for us. And I agree with comments above, you do look lovely together!
Maxabella says
This is true, Helen. Perhaps it’s really about both partners never, not ever, taking each other for granted. It’s not necessarily a man thing or a woman thing… x
Helen K says
Taken for granted is a big thing – absolutely!
Donna says
Aw well now, aren’t you two sweet? You can tell from the photo you are kindred spirits 🙂
My husbie is also of the good egg variety – this is why: http://www.essentialbaby.com.au/wellbeing/mind-and-body/the-question-this-dad-wishes-hed-asked-his-wife-20140911-3fa7w.html
Maxabella says
His constant use of the word’ we’ throughout this piece says it all, Donna. x
Vicki @ Knocked Up and Abroad says
Beeeeeautiful. I think you speak words of truth. So often I hear of couples who no longer speak kindly or politely to their spouse even though I think they are exactly the most important one to speak gently and with care to. Love can be shown in little ways and it’s true we do want to feel chosen every day. My husband reminds me – ‘hey I chose you’ and I feel so lucky!
Maxabella says
Speaking kindly and politely is basic manners and yet so many people don’t even give their spouse that courtesy, let alone anything else. I think it says a lot that we feel ‘lucky’ for having a man that treats us well… x
babs - Patchwork Cactus says
Warm fuzzies! This post is the sweetest thing ever. I agree, and I also think it’s important to lead by example because it’s all too easy to tit for tat on little things. xox
Maxabella says
I so agree! I should have mentioned that being okay with not being right is a critical factor, critical!! x
Kym Campradt says
This is just so lovely! Just what I wanted to read on a Monday (and I’m lucky I’ve got a good one too) x
Maxabella says
Glad to hear that, Kym. x
Lisa@RandomActsOfZen says
Look at you two gorgeous kids! I married my best friend too, Bron. Isn’t it lovely when you just “get” each other? xx
Maxabella says
Indeed it is. I hope that for everyone, Lisa. x
Corinne says
I see our marriage as a river, there are times it has rushed full force, other times its meandered, even times when it’s almost dried up. The thing is after 17 years we’ve never given up on each other, we always make each other the number 1 priority and we really enjoy just being together.
Maxabella says
It’s obvious you’ve got a wonderful marriage, Corinne. Being each other’s #1 priority is key, I reckon. x
Mother Down Under says
I have a good husband too…I don’t give him enough credit for all that he does for me and C and that is something that I am trying to work on.
I said in our marriage vows that he makes me feel more confident and more secure than I feel when I am on my own…and that is still true today…I think we are better as a team than we are as individuals.
And the best thing for us is when we go out with friends and I catch a glimpse of him from across the room and I think, “Yup. I am really glad that he is mine.”
Maxabella says
I love the way you describe yourselves as being better as a team. That’s gold. x
Julie @ Off to the park says
Awwww that’s so lovely Bron, Your hubby sounds like a very special man. My man and I will be married for 18 years this year, and while we don’t nearly spend enough time alone or go on dates, he is still the one that makes me feel special. xx
Denise says
Gorgeous post (you two are so cute!). You’re absolutely spot on with this x
Sonia from Sonia Styling says
I love this because I love love…and my husband! We’re best friends, lovers, partners in life – and we treat each other as such. He’s the one I want to tell everything to, the one I want to hang out with, do things with, laugh and cry with. Marriage rocks!
Smaggle says
I LOVED this. My ‘hubby’ (not married but pretty much are) is the best. Rock solid awesome human. We’re lucky ladies.
Maxabella says
Indeed we are, lovely. x
Rach @ Mogantosh says
Beautiful Bron. I love how you’ve expressed this. I think kindness goes a really long way – just treating each other with gentleness and care. I think it took me a long time and a few frogs to really learn that lesson, but I plan to never forget it.xx
Maxabella says
Kindness in all things, Rach. x
Sonia Life Love Hiccups says
OK So I am a der – I have been wondering why the hell you havent been blogging and it is because I hadnt updated my feed since you bloggy makeover. That man of yours IS INDEED a very good man and you guys make the most gorgeous couple. I also believe everything you said about what ‘she wants’ he wants too… My lovely man is so supportive of all my craziness but he does need to know that he is the chosen one and that I would still pick him… which I would a zillion times over. I am going to tell him now. Thanks for the reminder and give that man of yours a big hug hello from me xx
Maxabella says
You know all about good husbands who cherish their wives, Son. x
Sara | Kid Magazine says
I agree with everything you said but with one addition. A good husband brings you a big bowl of ice cream and a large glass of wine on the couch when you’ve had one of those days. No questions asked.
Maxabella says
Now that would be a ‘great’ husband, Sara. Hope your one of those days was exactly just that. x
Erin says
Best Friends AND Lovers, you’ve ‘hit the nail on the head’. Simply put it is that, yep we’re one of those couples too:) so nice to hear of others:) 22years of marriage and my heart still skips a beat.
lovely new design, I hadn’t received any posts from you into my feedly and was starting to get worried about you, pop on over (searching for posts) and discovered why feedly wasn’t updating. Great to know all is well:)
Maxabella says
I’ve gotta sort out the feebly and bloglovin thing, Erin. I’m missing my regulars desperately!! x
Sarah @ Lady Sadie's Emporium says
Well that is just one of the loveliest things I’ve ever read. I’m so lucky to have married my best friend and someone that I am head over heels in love with. He still makes me laugh, real belly laughs and I still get excited to see him when he walks through the door from work. I can’t even remember my life before I met my husband. I am my true self around him and feel so lucky that I got him and he got me xxx
Maxabella says
More than anything I am enjoying reading about the gorgeous relationships out there. It’s not all divorce and bickering, rather here are some beautiful examples of lucky, happy couples. We need to celebrate true love more!! x