“Go on, Bron, you do it,” my friend urges me. “You’ll know what to say.”
And so I go, and so it goes.
There are very few times in my life where I haven’t said what I want to say. There have been many, many times where my “filter” works better than others and I think carefully about what I want to say and then I say it. But there have been lots of times where I’ve just blurted out what’s in my head because I want to talk about it. I’m so itchingly curious about the different ways people do things that I figure they must be just as fascinated to talk about things as I am…
I spent my late teens with my head in ‘self-help’ books, absorbing everything from Susan Jeffers to Richard Carlson to Stephen Covey to Thomas Harris to… well, you get the idea. I don’t know how much of any of these books I absorbed as a self-conscious, wondering teen, but I do know that I’ve never again picked up a self-help book thinking it had the answers. The only thing I knew was that a book wasn’t going to help me find what I was looking for. Only an open heart, a curious mind and the courage to ask could do that.
I studied psychology at uni for four years (it was meant to be three, but I didn’t turn up for my end of year exams in my ‘first final year’ because… I was an idiot) and this I know: we are all seekers. We are all learners. I’ve never been self-conscious about asking people barely-formulated questions to find the hardly-known answers. Talking about these things is why we are here, I’m sure of it. My vulnerability in asking, yours in answering, mine in listening, yours in questioning, mine in answering and so it goes. A shared, circular truth that makes us whole. The truth that spins the world around.
“Go on, Bron, you do it,” my friend urges me. “You’ll know what to say.”
I do know what to say. I say, I genuinely want to learn why we are different, why we are similar, why we are the same. Why do you do the things you do and why don’t I do them that way? Where do you go when you do what you do and why am I left behind? What do you gain when you do something like that and what can I learn from you? When and where and what and who and how and why, why, why.
I want to be wide open when I ask so you will see that there is nothing inside us to hide. Wide open so the light gets in.
I want to show you the sides of yourself that are hidden from you, but I can see.
I want to know the sides of myself that I hide from me, but that are plainly displayed for you.
I’ll do it. I’ll know what to say.
Do you say the things you want to say?
Lucy says
I am getting so much better Bron! It takes time, particularly just to say the simple word ‘No’ – ‘no it doesn’t suit, sorry’, that is what I have always found the hardest. But, for someone who works as a communicator, this is getting easier as I understand myself more and my own motivations – therefore making it easier to explain to other people!
Maxabella says
I think really knowing the true ‘cost’ of not saying what we really want is critical, Lucy. Often by saying ‘yes’ to one thing, we are really saying ‘no’ to another. This is the crux of a post I’m working on right now! x
Carly Findlay says
I love that you are open and honest about your thoughts online Bron. So many people are silent, fearing what people think. But you bring up the issues that need to be talked about. Thank you
Maxabella says
I don’t always get it right, but the need to talk is strong in this one, Carly. x
Cat says
See, I’m the opposite. I regret things I say all the time and words hurt me a lot so I’m increasingly careful with them the older I get. I am happy to be open, to discuss what needs to be discussed, talk about the big stuff so we can all learn and move forward but I am careful with my words, and much quieter now than I was in so many ways.
Maxabella says
As long as you’re happy, Cat. I do try to use my ‘filter’ more and more – it’s never worth hurting someone. But I find that people are increasingly bottling things up because everyone is so easily offended, and I don’t’ think that’s a solution either. I wish everyone didn’t take themselves so darn seriously. but they do, so I try to tread carefully. But I won’t censor myself, or anyone else either. x
Josefa @always Josefa says
This is beautiful Bron. Hard to believe I do not always know what to say, but I think when it counts, when it is important, when others rely on me I do know what to say. I am deeply immersed in the idea of how we are all different and yet all the same – it fascinates me and drives my curiosity – I think we could talk about this topic for hours, shame we live so far away from each other xx
Maxabella says
Are you coming to the gala this year, Josefa? Because if you are, I will add this one to our list of ‘things to discuss late at night’!! x
ClaireyHewitt says
I have lived years of saying things I wanted to say, and they were not always good times. I now do it much less often, but when I do, I go over and over and over the words in my head first to ensure they are as soft as I can make them.
Maxabella says
A good strategy, Claire. That’s the ‘filter’ I talk about – I’m not always the best at using it. I do think that if you go in with an open heart and mind, most people accept anything you want to discuss most of the time. x
Dani @ sand has no home says
The title of your post set off a soundtrack in my head, of that old Mike and the Mechanics song In the Living Years 🙂
I have always been quite shy in person, so that although in high school I did debating and public speaking, by the time I got to uni, I reverted to my primary school self,characterised by the nickname “Blusher”, and found myself unable to stand up and give an opinion. This has followed me socially through the years. I feel as though what I speak up won’t be clever, or insightful or original enough. I used to suffer from this in my writing too, but have overcome that fear. I need to work toward it personally. Thanks for getting me thinking.
Maxabella says
I loved that song – it was on high rotation during my late high school years! I hope you find your voice, Dani. You have found your words through writing, your voice comes next. x
Toni says
GREAT post, Bron!
I am the Queen of Inappropriate Disclosure, as anyone who knows me will tell you.
My life has always been an open book. Want to know what my childhood was like? Want to know my thoughts on raising boys (or girls)? Want to know what it felt like when my son died? Ask away! If it’s too personal, I will say so. (it almost never is)
Since I married my husband, though, I’ve learned the hard way to be more careful. There are people in his past who love to take the smallest, most insignificant detail, and make it into a weapon for the on-going war against us.
It’s not in my nature to be secretive. I’m more your blurt-and-repent type of gal.
i find it hard to keep our lives under wraps. (you wouldn’t think I hold much back if you follow me on Facebook, I know. But I do!)
I am always mindful of other’s privacy, though, and I do try to respect their boundaries.
I love to see what makes people tick. One of the reasons I DISlike internet debates is that you miss most of the nuances of the argument — text only covers a tiny amount of the information from an actual conversation — and I love that AHA moment when you GET why someone believes what they do.
People are endlessly fascinating.
Maxabella says
Agree with everything you’ve said here, Toni. I think I have been very lucky to only have encountered one or two people who like to use my words against me. Generally, it’s all good and I have the most interesting chats and the most rewarding time of it. x
Allison Tait says
I think I am the opposite. I have learnt that just because you can say something, and say it well, doesn’t mean that you should. It’s not about offence, it’s not about avoiding conflict, it’s just about balance – keeping things on an even keel. Drama – even the most well-intentioned kind – is highly overrated. There is also a lot of power in keeping quiet – not the ‘bottling up’ kind of quiet, but the peace of choosing to let go.
Maxabella says
I think it all boils down to how much we have to say in the first place. How much things are truly important to us. I find I’ve never really had that much to fight about… x
Christine says
I find it hard to say what I really feel when I know it will upset someone. I usually put other’s feelings first – great for short-term calm but not good for long-term happiness for me. I just had an incident where I’ been holding back how I really felt about something I was working on with a friend for TWO YEARS and it finally came to a head and as a result of my not saying what I felt was the truth way back when resentment first started to build, it was even worse and now we’re not even talking any more. Really awful outcome. Wish I’d just spoken my mind in the beginning instead of letting it get that far.
Maxabella says
I’m so sorry, Christine. It can be so tough when things are allowed to fester in such a way. It can be hard to find the words, but find them we must. I think I always approach it from the perspective that I would want to know if someone had an issue with me, I really would. I know not everyone is like that, but most are. We want to have the best relationships we possibly can and talking is the only way to get there. I hope you can resolve things with your friend. x
Bec @ The Plumbette says
I regret not telling people how I feel about something and then see them get hurt or have a bad outcome because I didn’t share my concerns. As a result I do try and tell people what I think (when asked) no matter what they wish to hear. I’m a big believer in encouraging people too and saying what needs to be said when pride may get in the way.
I’m sorry for my crazed email on Sunday night! I’m all booked and ready to come to the gala night. 🙂
Maxabella says
I’m so excited that you’re coming, Bec. I’m looking forward to some hugs. We’ll talk about all the things we want to say.
Compliments are the things I regret not saying the most. Everyone needs to hear it when they’ve done very well. x
Tessa - Down that Little Lane says
Oh I hardly need to answer, You know I have no filter but I would never hurt anyone intentionally and I am never to big to say sorry (if I am in the wrong of course)
Maxabella says
Me too. Same, same. Get it out but never at the expense of feelings or respect. x
Sonia from Sonia Styling says
I’d like to think I always know what to say but truth be told I don’t. Not always. So I stumble and fumble, and I get there in my silly roundabout way eventually. I admire those like you Bron. You say what you mean, and you mean what you say – and you seem to always know how to say it. x
Maxabella says
There are plenty of times when I can’t find the words, Son. PLENTY. x
Erin says
Short answer, mostly No. I have the reputation of the Peace Maker in my family, the one who believes in tact within a family whose matriarch declares “tact is over-rated’. So mostly I don’t say what to say cause I’m too busy soothing ruffled feelings and if I do say something I’m trying to say it tactfully but according to a family member I’m too subtle.
And so our beginnings go on to affect us in the wider interactions, so in my friendship circles I fall into similar patterns.
Though now I’m in my 40s at least in my head I say what I want to say and occasionally venture forth to say a little (tactfully of course;)
Maxabella says
Tact is never over-rated, I don’t think. Tact is what helps us say the hard things softly. x
Erin says
oh and like Sonia I admire you for saying what you say, I have lots of strong opinions but am too busy worrying about offending someone even unintentionally to just say it. when I grow up I will be Maxabella and say it succinctly, kindly and confidently;)
Maxabella says
Hahahahaahaha! That made me laugh (that was me laughing). I have strong opinions, but always the ability to see two sides to every one of them, perhaps that helps… x
Kathy says
Love this depth (for a Melbourne Cup afternoon). I do find myself wondering what life would be like if we really could mind-read (or if I could and no-one else could)! Now that would be fun. Through my yoga practice I have come to realise I have a bit of a block of my throat chakra that is stopping me from speaking my truth (or at least shouting it out, confidently). I’ve always thought I’ve had something to say, and I’m certainly not the quiet type, but I have found myself more circumspect – fine if its for the right reasons/best intentions of being tactful and considered, less so if it is out of fear/lack of confidence.
Maxabella says
I often wish we could all mind-read and then I wonder why it is we can’t and then my head hurts and I stop thinking for a while. x
Jodi Gibson (JF Gibson Writer) says
Now? Mostly. Before, hardly ever. I too find people and the human mind intriguing, but I’m also a better listener. I like to take things in a process them rather than say the first thing that comes to mind. Which is probably why I find social situations awkward. Although, always love a good D&M on the meaning of life. x
Maxabella says
Me too! I need more D+Ms back in my life. I am seriously missing them. x
edenland says
It depends on the situation, where I am, who I’m with, and what needs to be said. But I usually prefer talking about hard stuff, big stuff. Can I just say completely off-topic but your profile pic is BEAUTIFUL. Must be that salt spray! xxxx
Maxabella says
Ha ha, you recognised me! And all I can really think is that I have NEVER looked that wrinkly. Do you think that’s the salt spray too??? x
Glenda @ Healthy Stories says
I’m particularly cautious if it means that it might create conflict, especially on a personal level. It’s something I’ve been working on though because the downside is that I keep to myself what I’m feeling and then I just get annoyed that they couldn’t work it out anyway. On a professional side though, I probably speak my mind too freely at times, which has caused problems on occasion.
Maxabella says
I’m not sure why, but I’ve never had a lot of conflict in my life. I think my sheer openness and naive guile means I get away with a lot. x
Reannon @shewhorambles says
I’ve got too many words & I have had to learn to keep some to myself.
I am always honest about myself & I will always be honest with my friends & family. I don”t know any other way to be.
I think I do have a filter though. I know not to say every thought that pops into my head because I don’t want to upset or hurt people. Also, people don’t want to hear all that shit either!
I will always,always tell people that I love them or admire them or they look nice or have done a great job. Hell, I even tell strangers that I think their hair looks pretty or that the book the are about to buy is my favourite one! On the flip side I will also tell people when they have made me angry or hurt me.
Clearly I’m just a blabber mouth lol
Maxabella says
I’m a blabberer from way back. I think it’s genetic because my son is exactly the same. We are natural-born sharers. Fortunately he has a kind nature too so, like me, he is always careful not to hurt someone else. x
Amanda @ Cooker and a Looker says
If you were reading those books as a teenager, you were obviously an early bloomer Bron! It’s taken me years to stop trying to appear as if I have all the answers and I’m still cautious about who I’m vulnerable with.
Plus I tend to find tiny bits of fluff that need plucking off my shorts when people get into intense debate around me. xx
Maxabella says
Ha! Not a natural late-night D+Mer then, Amanda? And I wouldn’t call it early blooming, rather early wilting. I was on a quest to be the best I could be because I certainly didn’t feel like I was much up to scratch as I was… that came much later. x
Lisa@RandomActsOfZen says
I try my hardest to say all that I think needs to be said. Over the years there have been things I should have said, but didn’t, and that’s something that I do regret. Now I try to say those things, be a bit braver and put my thoughts across as best I can.
I’ve learnt that you can say things that people may not want to hear, but you need to say. It’s all in the delivery, and I do my best to be thoughtful and respectful, while still conveying my message.
Wow, ramble much?
I think you tell it how it is Bron x
Bec says
Something to leave me with tonight! I often know what to say when helping my friends and family but sometimes when it’s me that’s being hard done by.. I let it all go past. Hmmm!
Holly says
I am so good at diplomatically saying precisely what I mean. Someone will usually ask my opinion and I will hesitate whilst I think of the best way to say it and then deliver it in a way that people have to respect, even if it isn’t what they want to hear – it is only opinion after all! That was tooting my own horn a bit! When it comes to saying what I think outright if someone has upset me I will usually just stay quiet until I am confronted outright on something. That has proved to be something of a failing.
Maxabella says
I’m the same, same, same. x
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