Everyone’s daily “important stuff” is different, but nurturing family is generally on everyone’s list. There are all the things we have to do to keep our family unit ticking along, and then there are the things we do because we want to. For instance, cooking dinner is generally a have-to (and one that I totes dislike), but going that extra mile to make something special is a want-to.
For me it’s not enough to provide the basics of love, consideration and attention, although some weeks that’s all I’ll manage and that’s okay. The important thing to me is that every day I’m aiming to add something to my interactions with each member of my family that helps our relationship thrive. Very often that involves getting to know them away from our family unit – a form of old-fashioned wooing, if you will. I do like the idea of being wooed, don’t you?
With my husband it’s generally a noticing thing. Taking the time to notice how he spends his time without me. What is he interested in lately? What is he striving towards? I try to find a way to add to this part of him, something as small as emailing him a link to an article I think he will like or larger like giving him the time he needs to develop his interest. I really believe that getting to know your partner away from yourself is one of the keys to keeping a relationship fresh and hopeful. It’s a constant reminder of the wonderful person you fell in love with in the first place.
The same is true with the kids. Getting to know them as the people they are is a preoccupation of mine. It’s why I’m as involved at school as I can be and it’s why I enjoy having their friends over to play as often as we can manage. Seeing them interact with their world is a treasure indeed and gives us a great platform for exploring the kind of person they hope to be.
For example, I have discovered that Cappers is far ‘funnier’ with her peers than she is at home (where she is so often lacks a sense of humour about anything as children so often do. They really save their best bits for the ones they love, don’t they?). She likes to play the clown in her friendship group and it’s a side of her that I absolutely love. Playing up to this part of her personality has made our friendship lighter and more fun and made me aware that parenting through humour is a good approach for her. That’s wooing as an artform, that is.
I’ve written before about how hard it can be to let our children find their own light, rather then putting the high-beams on for them. This is one of the hardest bits of parenting if you ask me, but it’s made so much easier if we take the time to really get to know our kids. Let them react to things in a way that’s natural, rather than leap in to tell them how it should be done. We do that, don’t we? I do that. I’m trying not to.
Perhaps it’s because the kids are getting older, but I find myself stepping back and giving them room more and more lately. What do you think? What would you like? How would you do it? They are thriving under this approach and I am so much more relaxed than I have been for a long time. It’s no wonder, really. We all know that the best way to form a strong relationship with someone is to stop and listen when they talk. Often the talking is silent, but it’s talking nonetheless. Our kids are telling us something new every day and all we gotta do is listen.
Turns out that the most stressful part of parenting is actually trying to control everything and it seems most kids are self-raising, really. We just need to put the right ingredients in and leave them to it. Shhhhh…
Do you woo your family?
Come play!
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Sammie @ The Annoyed Thyroid says
I think we all need a little wooing. I love that kids are self-raising! What a wonderful way to parent – your kids are totes lucky! xx
Maxabella says
Just feeling my way, like we all do, Sammie. I’m pretty sure the kids would consider themselves lucky 80% of the time and the other 20% they would swap me in a heartbeat!! x
Zoe Meunier says
Wooing is a lovely idea that usually seems to be only reserved with attempting to win someone over… once won, it’s a woo wasteland. An ongoing woo (can you tell I really like the word woo) proves just how much you value the relationship you have.
Maxabella says
I love the whole concept of ‘woo’ and the word itself is strangely addictive. You make such a great point, Zoe – that ‘wooing’ is reserved for ‘winning over’ and then neglected evermore. Keep the wooing and you keep the winning, I reckon. x
JodiGibson (@JFGibsonWriter) says
I think it’s important to spend one on one time with family members and it’s something we try (being the operative word) to do. My girls continue to amaze and make me proud everyday, so we must be getting something right!
Maxabella says
I don’t get that much one on one with each of the kids, but we snatch regular little ‘moments’ that I think are just as good. x
shannon @my2morrows says
Wow Bron. I conline to learn so much from every post you write. I think I’m being too controlling at the moment and need to chill a little and let them find themselves. No wonder I’m getting so frustrated! Xx
shannon @my2morrows says
*continue
Maxabella says
Thank you, Shannon. That’s really made my day to hear you say that. I am a ‘controller’ by nature, but over the years I have learned that the best way to be in control is to delegate a lot of the parenting to the kids themselves… if that makes sense!?! x
Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me says
I need to make more of an effort on this with hubbo, got the kids sorted, well they’re still young so I’m always all over them, poor wee poppets. Love this post. I would like it if Mr HALOM spend more time wooing me!! Not in ‘that’ way but in the ‘what’s floating your boat’ kinda way. x
Maxabella says
I think the hubbos of the world are often the last on the list, Em. Just the way it is. I try to keep mine right at the top because I know that without him, I can’t be the parent I want to be either. x
Helen K says
I love this, Bron! (plus you’ve helped me think about how to frame up my current post – added bonus!) x
I’ve been reading Andrew Solomon’s book ‘Far from the tree’ (well, the first and last chapter, as it is mammoth), and have been quite challenged about the idea of kids and theirs / our identity (not trying to ‘fix’ them to be more like us – which we wouldn’t consciously do, but can sometimes subconsciously do). And when I do sit back and let them direct a bit more, I’m constantly amazed at what great kids we have (their natural strengths come through in unexpected ways)
Maxabella says
I love that book (which I have half-read… you know how it is!). In lots of ways it changed everything for me because it reminded me that you can’t parent ‘issues’ you can only parent people. x
Helen K says
Exactly!
Kim-Marie says
Oh! I adore this!
I’m hanging out with Boyo this week, whilst his Dad is away.
We are just taking that time to hang out together and it’s been pretty magical. Last night, he just sat next to me (on me!) whilst we were reading, and then we started listening to music. He loves 70s rock. Yeah baby!
We have had some amazing chats! So grateful for this time.
Maxabella says
You are so so so lucky to get that beautiful one on one time with your son, Kim-Marie. x
Eva @ The Multitasking Mummy says
I love this perspective Bron and no, I probably don’t do enough ‘wooing’ with hubby but I should. I:)
Maxabella says
Husbands definitely deserve to be wooed, Eva. x
Kathy says
I really like this. It is really putting the effort into love, not just going through the motions of loving (and parenting). I need to listen more for starters.
Maxabella says
I think it’s the easiest thing to forget but in can have the hardest consequences. x
Bec @ Seeing the Lighter Side says
I have been trying to say ‘yes’ where possible when the kids want me to play with them. It’s hard though – I’m really not into train tracks, Lego and sand! If only they wanted to play at writing stories and building websites:) #TeamIBOT
Maxabella says
I am sooooo that mum too, Bec. So instead of ‘yes’ every time, which would send me batty, I try to say ‘yes’ at least a couple of times a week. x
Lucy @ Bake Play Smile says
I always love reading your family posts Bron. You’re so thoughtful and kind. I love the idea of wooing your family.. we all like it when it’s done to us!!
Maxabella says
We do, Lucy, indeed we do!! x
Hugzilla says
This has actually given me a lot to think about because I think I’ve fallen into the habit of taking the lead because I’ve spent the last few years with much younger children to deal with…. Mmmm…. Definitely food for thought….
Maxabella says
I think kids of even a very young age enjoy being asked what they think, Hugz. I have always, always found that the more I involve the kids in decision making and idea generating, the better behaved they are. Even when they were little little. x
Malinda @mybrownpaperpackages says
You have nailed this parenting thing Bron. I love the idea of wooing my family. I suppose I do it in small ways but not purposefully. I’m going to give it a try and see what happens. Maybe they will woo me back?!
Maxabella says
There are no nails here, Malinda. Just a couple of band-aids, some gaffer tape and some very strong glue! x
di @ studio10creative says
Awesome concept Bron. I love the idea of wooing the family. Hubby probably needs to be wooed the most. Thanks for sharing. x
Maxabella says
Hubby always does, Di!! x
EssentiallyJess says
I needed to read this today. I get impatient because things aren’t done the way I would do them, but that’s not helpful for anyone. I like the idea of wooing.
Tash @ Gift Grapevine says
This is just lovely Bron – I love the idea of wooing my family. I have tried do this a lot with Miss T this year. Now she is at pre-primary school five days a week, I don’t get that one-on-one time with her like I do with Mr TT during the week. I’ve made an effort to go on little outings on the weekends with just the two of us. Even if it’s just to the shops or a café for half an hour, it’s a great chance to have a chat and for me to marvel at how grown up she is now! It’s all going by too quickly.
Karin @ Calm to Conniption says
I think this is pretty much how we roll 60% of the time. The other 40% is when I am tired, exhausted and running a tight ship. It is far more stressful for everyone. Wooing the family is so much easier when we are all together. Though sometimes I think we treat my 3 year old like he is far older.
I like how you have put it into words.
Renee Wilson says
Getting to know my kids is a preoccupation of mine too! After I drop them off at daycare I love spying on them and seeing how they interact with others. I’m especially intrigued by my eldest who has always been quite shy. She has a lovely little network of friends which makes me all warm on the inside 🙂
Collette Beck says
I love this – I know my oldest daughter (9) really benefits from the wooing – an afternoon visiting op shops with her will have her loving me forever. My 7 year old son just wants to kick the footy and have me watch him, and my 2 year old needs something else all together (not sure what that is yet! Eeeek!). But that focus on each child, whilst the focus is on then specifically, it’s also on you to because I think individualised focus is a luxury for parents with young kids. There is always SO much to do, to get done, place to get to. So the wooing is like a delicious time out for everyone.
Valent Lau says
Very important tips.
http://www.www2go.site/stonefitting.com says
That’s more than sensible! That’s a great post!