Last week I was laid up in hospital with a lot of time to ponder. I mostly pondered how bad hospital life is, but occasionally my thoughts did wander elsewhere. Apart from the fact that it was a very bad time for me, it was a very good time for me. I thought, “It’s not often that we are given permission to just do bugger all.”
And that’s when I realised something.
Whose permission am I waiting for exactly?
If I want to hang around doing nothing whatsoever, why can’t I just do that?
If I want the weekend to be all about me sitting on my front verandah watching the birds, why can’t I do that?
If I want to laze the night away in front of Gogglebox*, why can’t I do that?
If I want to spend time at the beach without thinking that at some stage we’ll have to leave the beach and deal with all the sand and the hungry children and the wet towels and… why can’t I do that?
I never give myself permission to just stop. Ever. My mind is always asking what happens next and my feet are always moving me through what’s happening now. I’m a constant hum of doing and as much as I complain about the busyness sometimes, I do wonder when I decided that halting that forward momentum was a bad thing.
Many, many, many people lead quiet, day-to-day lives of contemplation and reflection. They are not particularly concerned with bettering themselves (they are already pretty good, thank you very much) or packing as much into life as they possibly can (they are already pretty happy with their lot, thank you very much).
I kind of want to be one of those people.
I rather long for the ability to shut my front door and not be concerned with what’s happening beyond it. Or to shut my eyes at night and not already be planning tomorrow. Wouldn’t that be nice?
It’s harder than you’d think to gain permission from yourself. So far, me is saying “no way, dude! You’ve been flat on your back for an entire week, you are behind in life” and I’ve been more planny and pushy than ever since hospital.
I just don’t seem to get it. I do wonder if I’m subconsciously raising my kids to be a flat-out maniac like their mother. I don’t want that for them. I want them to always have permission to lie in the grass and dream dreams that wiggle and float and will never, ever be made into goals. Ever.
* Hospital made me watch it, and now I can’t stop…
Do you give yourself permission to stop?
Sammie @ The Annoyed Thyroid says
I think this is a good reminder that we all need to stop once in a while and just do nothing. I think it’s natural that you’ve been firing on all cylinders since you left hospital, because it’s a kind of knee jerk reaction to being unwell, “hey look at what I can do, I’m FINE! And I have so much to catch up on!” I hope you’re being kind to yourself though, giving yourself some time to catch your breath and that you’re feeling much improved.
Maxabella says
This is definitely an area that I need to consider more, Sammie – if only I would give myself the space to do so!! x
Emily says
I’m always thinking ahead too. I’ve never been able to sit somewhere in quiet contemplation of only what’s in front of and around me. (And I find it IMPOSSIBLE not to think about the sand and the sunburn and the cleaning MY GOODNESS THE CLEANING whenever we’re at the beach.)
Maxabella says
We need to take a chill pill, Em. Just not sure where to get one… x
Kirsten and co. says
Oh I hear you! I’ve been forced to stop this year, thanks to an ongoing health issue, but stopping isn’t my thing and at times I’ve found that MUCH harder than the actual illness itself. So pleased to read you’re out of hospital. How good is Gogglebox?! (there’s always a silver lining!)
Maxabella says
Are you getting better? I can’t imagine how hard it is to have something ongoing, K. Just the small taste I’ve had these past couple of weeks has been all too much. To good health, my friend. x
Tricia says
I can so relate Bron. I spent two months on bed rest when Little Eco tried to come early. Two months of doing nothing. I thought I’d learn how to knit or catch up on reading. But I mostly laid there staring at nothing lost in my thoughts. It was so good. Although it was awful at the time. retrospectively it was time I was grateful for. I realised jut how much I needed to simply stop. Wish we could learn these lessons without the hard stuff. Hope you are feeling better xx
Maxabella says
Did you manage to make it an ongoing thing, Tricia? Already I feel it slipping through my fingers… x
PlanningQueen says
Love this post! I find giving myself permission a hard thing to do. Really need to work on it, thanks for making me think about it. x
Maxabella says
I imagine you are even more go go go than me, Nic. I know that one day we will both surely regret the hurried life we are living. x
Lisa@RandomActsOfZen says
Yes! Whenever I’m sick, I’m constantly thinking about what needs to be done, and how much I’ll need to catch up. Frustrating as! I’m glad you’re back on deck Bron, but realllly try to just ease into it (said in my best Mum voice).
I had grand plans for this year, but have found myself sidetracked into a totally different direction. And I have to say, I’m in BIG love with how it’s all falling into place.
I resisted Gogglebox for so long, but recently have found myself wishing I was sitting on some of those couches. Especially the two lots of girls, they look like a hoot! xx
Maxabella says
Sidetracks are so often the best places to be, Lisa. It sounds like you are having a lovely year and that makes me happy! x
Bec @ The Plumbette says
I find it hard to give myself permission to do nothing only because the time that I have child free is limited so I pack those hours tightly with getting stuff done. I do need to learn how to stop more. I’m not sure how though. X
Maxabella says
I don’t know!! I just don’t have the answers yet, but I’m pretty sure that it’s going to involve lowering my expectations and b-slapping my inner conscientious perfectionist!!
KezUnprepared says
I give myself permission to stop. It’s become one of my strengths after some things that happened in 2010, which made me reassess my level of self care (and that was before I had a kid!)
I don’t feel anywhere as guilty now as a result.
Sure, my mind still races sometimes when I’m trying to slow down, but I’m doing well at doing nothing when I need it!
I LOVE Gogglebox. It’s the last thing I ever thought I’d enjoy but gosh those people are funny and relatable!
I hope you’re feeling OK x
Maxabella says
Tell us more, Kez. How did you put the brakes on? What strategies for you use? Was it hard at first? x
Kathy says
Hope you are on the mend Bron. Thanks for the permission. I have been letting myself off the hook lately, although I do it for a few days of slowing down a bit and then start to feel bad for not being productive. I haven’t discovered Googlebox.
Maxabella says
It’s the curse of productivity! The need to be useful every waking minute is such a curse. I’m glad you are making space, Kathy. I need to get back to yoga because it really helps quiet the mind!! x
Beck says
I think most of us are just like you. Go go go. It’s rather interesting that we give permission for others to daydream and have moments of rest and reflection but we never allow ourselves to do just that.
Hope you are feeling better sweet lady and are on the mend. xx
Maxabella says
Different rules for us, for sure. I’d be horrified if the rest of my family carried on the way I do. I’d feel like I’d failed in a vital life lesson. Perhaps part of my own hurriedness is about trying to prevent it for others… hmmmm… x
Tash @ Gift Grapevine says
I can’t seem to find my off switch. I really should look for it harder! On the very odd occasion, if I’m without my tornadoes, I’ll take 20 minutes to just sit at a café, people watch and enjoy a cup of coffee. It’s something small but it’s amazing how drinking a whole cup of coffee while it’s still hot can put a spring in my step (and I’m not just talking about the caffeine hit!). Hope you are feeling better this week xx
Maxabella says
It really is the little things, Tash!! x
Julie says
Rare. I tend to get the Mumma guilts up. I even feel guilty when I do sewing for work. I often think I should be could be…
Maxabella says
Ditch the guilt, lovely! So not worth it. Remember that it’s our job as a parent to teach our kids to be independent of us. x
Mother Down Under says
Just quietly I love Gogglebox too!
I am home sick today and am doing nothing. Sitting in bed, reading blogs, watching some tv…I hate that I always end up at this place because I have pushed myself too hard but I am always grateful for days like today when I give myself permission to do nothing productive at al!
I am actually getting better at doing nothing. The other night I was watching The Block and when I felt like I should be doing something more productive, I asked myself (perhaps morbidly) if on my death bed I would regret sitting on the couch, vegging, and watching something I like. When my answer was no, I put brakes on my guilt and happily watched the rest of the show.
And I hope you are feeling better!
Maxabella says
I love that you wouldn’t regret hanging out on the couch on your deathbed, Caitlyn. Morbid or not, I asked myself that exact same question and had the same response: chilling out and being entertained is not something I would regret at all. Missing out on doing that: absolutely I would! x
Rachael says
I hope you’re on the mend now Bron! I hear you about always feeling like you need to achieve/ do / be something, having said that Im trying to congratulate / reward myself even if I haven done much at all. Feel that it’s so important to be happy where ever I’m at or not at… Does that make sense? Hope so!