When I first became a parent over a decade ago (and yes, that statement does make me feel old), I was a completely different mother to the mother I am now. Back then, when I held my newborn in my awkward arms, I was an anxious, shaky kind of mother. I felt overwhelmed and insignificant and I was convinced that the responsibility of raising this baby was far greater than the sum of all my parts. Greater than the sum of the world.
I suspect I was very much like every other new mother since mothering began.
Like many new mums, I turned to others for advice – my parents, my peers, my neighbours, my sisters – but ended up being so confused about what went where that I panicked and turned to ‘the experts’ instead. Cue utter pandemonium at my place, because as I’m sure you’ve noticed, the experts can’t agree on anything either. I read book after book and sank so far into the depths of ‘getting it right’ that at one point I was attempting both Bill Sears (attachment-parenting guru) and Gina Ford (baby scheduler extraordinaire) simultaneously. My poor ‘attachment-parented-but-with-a-rigid-routine’ baby son!
Routine, routine, routine
Well, all these years later I know that my parenting style is definitely more Sears than Ford, but there is one thing that I took from “Gina-ing” my son and that is routine, routine, routine. Kids thrive on them and so do parents – even parents, like me, who fancy that they hate routines.
Why do kids like them so much? Many reasons, actually:
- Routines are predictable and kids like to know what’s coming up next
- Routines set boundaries and boundaries help kids feel safe
- Routines help kids manage their own time and kids love being independent
- Routines establish a rhythm to our days and kids can dance to a rhythm.
The cornerstone of any daily routine is definitely the bedtime routine. Not only does a good bedtime routine help kids surrender the day peacefully, it also sets them up for a good night’s sleep that means they’ll begin a new day in a happy way too.
A predictable rhythm
Since my children were newborns, we have followed much the same pattern for our bedtime routine. The time you start your routine and the things you include will be highly personal and dependent on the ages of your children (mine are now six, nine and 10), how many children you have, what needs to get done at night time at your place and how long you have to linger over the schedule. It doesn’t matter, none of that matters so much as having a predictable routine in the first place. A routine that is the same every single night and is as familiar and comforting as a favourite teddy.
Most of our bedtime battles are behind us, you know the ones: the constant coming out of bed, the crying, the delaying tactics, the outright refusal … oh, we’ve been through them all and they still turn up from time to time, but generally bedtime is a nice time of day for us. I hope that will give comfort to many mums battling, as I did, through the ‘witching hour’ of bath, bed, books. There is hope and you will get some semblance of calm back in your life in the evening. It’s coming, I promise. No, really.
Bath time
You may be an ‘after dinner’ bather, or, like me, a ‘pre dinner’ bather, but a bath is generally a night time thing for kids. They tend to be rather grubby by day’s end and I’ve always thought that it’s much nicer to sleep feeling fresh and clean. Washing the day away is a ritual that calms us, so a child’s bath is an excellent opportunity to begin the wind-down to bed time. So many of us rush this important time of day, but it’s easy to make bath time a relaxing, sensuous experience for even the youngest child.
To assist with that I add a drop of lavender in my children’s bathwater or even burn a soothing blend of oils, such as Roman chamomile, ylang ylang, lavender and sandalwood. It smells delicious! When my children were very young, they used to enjoy the sensation of having the warm water poured softly over their backs while they sat in the bath (especially nice on hair wash days). A gentle head massage helped relax and calm them (something they still appreciate as primary school kids, and who can blame them!). Having ample containers, strainers and other vessels that allowed them to gently pour water and swish and swirl their bath enhances the aquatherapy benefits of their nightly bath.
I’m not usually a ‘do everything for you’ kind of mum (too busy, too lazy?), but to this day I still lay out clean pjs for my children to slip into after their bath. We have a heated towel rack so it’s out of the bath and into a warm towel followed by those lovely fresh jammies … it’s lovely to feel pampered each day, I think.
Dinner
The wind down starts with the bath and generally continues at dinner. We haven’t always been, but for the past three years we have been a ‘TV off and around the table together’ kind of family and this is one of my favourite times of the day. Talking about our day and finding out if there are any niggles for our children helps them iron out the kinks ready for sleep. If one of my kids is having problems, they will mention that they need some ‘quiet time’ with me after dinner and we will go to my bedroom, sit on the bed and talk it through. I like to help them get all their worries out before bedtime.
Speaking of food, it may surprise you to know that there are certain foods that nutritionists recommend we avoid for a good night’s sleep. Foods that are recommended to avoid include those rich in the amino acid tyramine such as cheese, pork, chocolate and potatoes. Other foods to go easy on at night include high-fat foods and spicy foods as both can cause heartburn.
Quiet play time
After dinner our family relaxes together for around an hour before our children’s bedtime. Back in the day, dinner was earlier and ‘quiet time’ was much shorter, but as the kids have gotten older we’ve been able to get more time together in the evenings.
This time of day is precious for both my husband and I. In the summertime, we will all sit together on our front verandah and listen to the birds wind up the day, reading books, talking quietly, or watching the kids play in the garden and argue. In the colder months we might get a family board game going or have a glass of wine by the fire while the kids draw and argue.
When it’s getting close to bedtime we always let them know at 10 minutes, five minute and one minute to give them plenty of warning and allow them the time to wind up their games and prepare for bed. Often at the 10 minute mark we will give them the option of doing a Cosmic Kids yoga session (and generally the answer is a big hell-yes!).
Teeth time
Now they are older, it’s up to the kids to have their teeth brushed and hands washed in time for bed. When they were younger, of course it was up to us line them up and get the teeth scrubbed.
We still use the same little egg timer to time their brushing for two minutes. It has a loud ‘tick-tock’ sound that is actually rather meditative and I am quite certain that this tick-tock, tick-tock is as integral a part of our kids’ bedtime routine as the teeth brushing itself.
Reading time
Once teeth are gleaming, it’s into bed they go. The kids all like their 15-minute reading time before lights out, but I’m not certain how much reading my two girls actually do. The state of their room when I go up for final curtain would indicate that a fair bit of crafting gets done during this time. Once or twice a week, I still read to my kids (at seven, 10 and 11 they are still young enough to appreciate a story). Or they read to me.
Reading time is also a time when my daughter writes in her worry book. She often doesn’t have anything to say, which suits me fine!
Meditation
After their reading time, we pop back in to say goodnight and give out lots of hugs. A recent addition to our bedtime routine is using the ‘Smiling Mind’ app for five minutes of breathing and meditation. I have found that this centreing time really helps them make the distinction between play time and sleep time. Incidentally, even if it’s a screen day, this is the only time we let the kids use electronics after bath time, which is a couple of hours before bed. Limiting screen time in the evenings is highly recommended for helping our kids sleep soundly.
Lights out (but kids are not necessarily out like a light)
Finally (and honestly, as I read back over all of this written down as it is, I am beginning to think we have the world’s longest bedtime routine, but it’s just all about the rhythm of our evening, not necessarily ‘bedtime’) it’s lights out. My children have a soft nightlight in the hallways between their bedrooms, that provides light for the stairs and somehow protection against the night too. Mine have never been kids that can go to sleep in total darkness, although I hope they will get there one day because I definitely prefer it and it took me a long time to adjust to having a night light on!
Hopefully we are done for the night. I say that with great positivity, but anyone that knows me knows that despite our best efforts, we were not blessed with sleepy children. The only thing I can tell you is that when we veer from our routine, chaos results. When we stick with the familiar, reliable pattern that our nightly ritual brings, things are calm and manageable.
What do you do before bed at your place? Are your kids good sleepers?
{This post has been modified from a post originally published on Kidspot}
Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me says
See we’ve got this routine thing down pact but my daughter just isn’t a great sleeper, with two parents who don’t know how to sleep either I suppose it’s no surprise. She’s getting better but once she’s awake, she’s awake, and usually that’s about 4.45am, that’s a long time until the first bell at school at 8.45am! Great post though – I’m going to get her a worry book, as bless at 7 she has some weight of the world on those small shoulders 🙁 x
Maxabella says
That’s a VERY long time before school! Think what she will achieve will all those hours when she is bigger!!! x
Lisa says
Such a lovely routine and very similar to ours .. we do take quite a lot of time over a couple of hours, it is quite organic although also chaotic at times!
I absolutely agree that children love the flow of a familiar routine.
My little man loves a sleepy time meditation for a few minutes at the very end of the routine when lights go out, I have been doing these myself and he told me last week that you should this for a job Mamma you are very good at the meditating! xx
Kathy says
This sounds like a fantastic routine. The cosmic kids yoga is great and the smiling mind app too – I’m definitely getting my act together next year with making more kids yoga and meditation videos. I wish we had a proper routine – we were much better when they were younger. But with hubby working night shifts some of the time and now me teaching yoga one night a week and Miss Yin dancing until 7pm 4 nights a week, routine is really challenging. Snuggle and a book with Little Yang is the best we can manage, although when we are all home we always have dinner around the table. Miss Yin at 12 has a later bed time and still enjoys a snuggle too.
Leanne @ Deep Fried Fruit says
I LOVE routine. Love, love, love it. I’m the routine police.
Great quote up there! Love it.
Min@WriteoftheMiddle says
Routine was my saviour when my kids were little. When you have twins, trust me you need routine! Our bed time routine was dinner, bath, quiet time, teeth brushing, storytime, lights out, nite nite! All in the past now with my baby due to turn 21 next May! Nowadays it is me who is the non-sleeper (insomnia issues) and needing a routine to help me drift off peacefully!! 😉 xo
Dani @ sand has no home says
You have a lovely bed time routine going there. I can’t quite get the hang of routinevaround here, during the day at least, but we have always had one forevening, which is now partly dictated by what time my son has his melatonin. I wish that reading stories was a part of ours, but my little boy won’t be read to. I might start reading to Lady while her brother is in the shower. I do so love the idea of bedtime yoga and of a worry book x
Zanni says
My kids aren’t bad sleepers – once they are asleep! I have always had routines too. And like yours, ours is quite long, starting with dinner at about 5 or 6. But my kids rarely fall asleep before 9.30, even with all that. And still need us to sleep with them! It’s all ok though. One day they’ll be taking themselves off to bed, and I am sure it’ll be great. I have come to peace with this!
Vicki @ Boiled Eggs & Soldiers says
We have had the same routine since birth but crap sleepers the eldest in particular. I’m going to start dropping lavender into their bath and the cosmic yoga sounds great too. We love the smiling minds app and I recently discovered a sour sop plant in our new garden apparently the leaves under a pillow assist with sleep so am going to try that too. The new blinds are supposed to arrive tomorrow so fingers crossed that will stop the 5am waking! Loving all your tips Bron- can never have too many on the sleep front!
Emma @ Life, kids and a glass of red says
We’ve also had a routine for our kids from day one. The actual timing may change, but they always know that after dinner it is then bath, teeth, cuddles and stories. I might have to try the meditation app for our seven year old when he’s a bit wired!
HUgzilla says
God I hate Tizzie Hall and Gina Ford and all these alleged babies who had routines set for them and timed out with military precision. 0700: Baby wakes. 0705 Baby farts and chews his fist. 0710 Baby breastfeeds for exactly 15 minutes. 0725 Baby empties Category 5 turd into his nappy. Get stuffed! LOL. Yes. I have some issues with those ladies. This, however, is fantastic. I wish I read it when I first had kids.
EssentiallyJess says
I’m a huge routine fan too Bron!
One of mine in particular did not like sleep, but he did like the predictability of routine, so he eventually got it. Even now our lives are pretty routine and the kids seem to enjoy it. There are some things that are spontaneous, and others that are predictable. God help me if I tried to cook anything other than Spag Bog on a Monday night! 😉
Lisa@RandomActsOfZen says
Yep, I love a bedtime routine, and I have no doubt it’s helped us get through those rough, bad sleeping years.Bell loves her sleep now, but for a while I thought I was never going to get a good nights’ sleep again!
I still can’t resist sneaking in and having a quick look, before I go to bed. Every now and then she stirs and tells me something, but she never remembers it in the morning. She still doesn’t believe when I tell her about our convos.
Have to say Bron, I adore that little bunny doll! x
Renee Wilson says
I’ve always been big on routine with my kids. I read Save our Sleep a million times and quickly worked out a routine that suited me and my babes. These days our routine looks like dinner between 5.30 and 6pm and watching Peter Rabbit. As soon as Peter’s over, the TV is switched off and we head upstairs for a quick bath and a couple of stories before bed. I try to get the kids into bed before 7.15pm. They usually chat for a while, but most nights they’re asleep by 8ish.
Lucy @ Bake Play Smile says
This post is super helpful! With our first bub due early next year I definitely needed to read this. I’m a huge fan of routines (I think it’s what made me survive my primary teaching years!!) so it’s nice to hear that it’s the way to go.
Thanks for the fab tips Bron xx
Nicole @ The Builder's Wife says
Even now my children are all older, we still have strict bedtime routines, and while I have a couple that don’t sleep, they do rest well until sleep does bless them. xx
Clare says
I am a lavender sprinkler, it goes on pillow cases and sometimes a splash in the shower for the kids. My 10 year old is the worst at getting in bed and staying there, he is certain that he is missing out on something, and regularly declares bedtime as ‘boring’.
We always read before bed always, we are reading Harry Potter at the minute, then he will read his own books and/or draw in bed before sleep.
Shan@FortyUp says
We have a similar bedtime routine, although for some reason teeth is such a problem in our house!!! I don’t get the big deal, you brush them, you’re done! Maybe I need the timer!!!! I love the wind down playtime too, especially as it’s getting warmer & the days are longer, it means a little more time together outside, the kids love to help us look at the garden& water…… x