Recently I’ve noticed that having an opinion that differs from someone else’s mean you are doing the worst possible thing ever, ever, ever: judging someone. Now, you don’t want to judge anyone, not unintentionally and definitely not for reals. The slightest indication that someone’s actions or POV are being challenged will have them (literally in some cases) crying wolf. See, if you are seen to be judgmental, that’s apparently a license for others to rip into you for being (second worst thing ever, ever, ever) ‘unsupportive of other mothers’ (let’s not waste time debating the hypocrisy of being judged for judging).
Fact is, sometimes I don’t always like the choices other people make and occasionally I have strong opinions about it. It doesn’t happen a lot, usually I’m happy over here doing my thing and I’ll assume you’re happy over there doing yours, but sometimes. Most of the time I’m thinking it but I’m not going to mention it because, really, most of my opinions are interesting to no one but myself; but every now and then, I can’t help myself. I’m going to say something.
Yes, that’s being critical, but no, just because I disagree with something you’re doing and want to talk about it, that doesn’t make me bitchy, ignorant, elitist or, god forbid, jealous. It might come as a surprise, but people who don’t agree are rarely jealous of each other.
We are human, we are critical of others, we’re allowed to have a difference of opinion and we are definitely allowed to respectfully express that opinion if we choose. I draw the line at disrespect, rudeness and nastiness and build a towering wall against hatred, but if you disagree with something I’m doing, please feel free to mention it. I’m not perfect and I know it and I accept it. For that reason, I’m wide open to criticism. I don’t want some glossed-over “it’s not how I would do it, but your choices are your choices and I support you” platitude. I actually want to know what you really think.
I refuse to accept that “we’re all just doing our best” is all we have to do in this world, because what if our best isn’t good enough? Sometimes we need to call in reinforcements in order to lift our best to be a little bit better. It’s just the way it is. It’s the way I want to be.
We all stuff up royally from time to time. We make choices based on things we haven’t weighed up properly, or choices based on what works right now, or even choices based on wanting it to be about “me for a change”. We mums all do selfish, foolish, sometimes really rotten things that don’t make us Mother of the Year. We’re human, we’re flawed and for that very reason, we should own up, take responsibility for our actions and be open to criticism in order to do better, be better. How else will we ever grow if no one ever calls us out on anything we do? If everything we do is seen as okay by everyone around us, how will we know when it’s not actually okay?
See, I’m calling BS on any woman who claims she is never critical of others. Self-censoring yourself doesn’t make you better than someone who expresses their (sometimes alternate) opinion. I’m not talking about bitchy, unproductive, nasty comments. I’m talking truthful criticism when someone does something or stands for something you genuinely don’t agree with. That’s fair, isn’t it? I think we should be able to have that discussion, not shut each other down.
I don’t think it’s “supportive” if we just gloss over life and pat each other on the back just because it’s the “right” thing to do. I definitely don’t think it’s “supportive” to heap shit on someone that happens to disagree with you. You don’t get to call yourself a “supportive” person if you’re only supportive of the people who are in your gang and hateful towards those that are not. What’s with that?
Support, to me, is being open with each other and respecting our differences, talking about them, being honest about them. Being supportive is about being respectful and kind. It’s acknowledging our mistakes and working together to create the best world possible to raise our kids in. Support, for me, is being able to be our critical selves and not be judged for it.
What do you think? No, really!
You might also enjoy other people’s thoughts on this:
- Let’s Stop Pretending Online Isn’t Real Life by The Mummy and the Minx
- I Thought a Thought By Em Hawker
- Are You Sure That’s What You Think? Fast Facts About Opinions by Potential Psychology
- It’s Okay to Have a Say by The Joys of 3 Boys
- An Open Letter to My ‘Tribe‘ by Misfit Mum
- Leaders Inspire Greatness in Others by Our Parallel Connection
- Emotional Intelligence and Social Media by Musings of the Misguided
#idratherbeme
Thanks for finding this, Sandra.
Hugzilla says
A-fucking-men!! I hate the tone-policing and shutting down of discourse that comes with cries of “We should all support each other” and “If you can’t say something nice… Don’t say anything at all”. Bullshit. You can still be a critical thinker and/r disagree with someone respectfully, without descending into personal attacks. This whole thing about women always being “nice” has been used to shut us down and silence us for years, and now we are doing it to ourselves. Fuck that. We also need to be able to cop criticism ourselves without descending into wailing martyrdom, because no single one of us us perfect and without fault.
Hugzilla says
As evidenced by the numerous typos I just made in this mini-rant.
Vanessa says
You also said fuck. Fuck, so did I! And then again! FUck! Bahaha
Maxabella says
I love your mini rant and agree completely. I think what is lacking here is the idea of being respectful. Personally, I think TNM could have removed some of her references to CH and the piece would overall have been stronger and less ‘personal’ (though I didn’t find it personal myself). I think the biggest problem on the internet is that there is no fiter – no one to look in the eye before you speak, no editor to cross out stuff before you publish. If I was editing TNM’s article, I would have removed the hooks others have used to hang her on. Easy as that. Hard as that.
Emily says
I love this reply, Bron. And I think that those ‘hooks’ are being used to invalidate her entire post, which is ridiculous. I also have plenty more opinions on this but putting them out into the world won’t do anyone any good now. What happened happened the way it happened and, while I personally think that not enough responsibility was taken for what eventuated, everyone (including the media, fingers crossed) seems to have moved on and/or be okay with where it’s at.
Carmen says
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!!!
Kez @ Awesomely Unprepared says
Yes yes yes!! I think you have nailed it, quite frankly! It’s human nature to judge, but we have a responsibility to express ourselves in a mature manner. Obviously I am well aware of the event that was probably the catalyst for this blog post and I think that it sadly won’t be the last.
I think we should think critically, be honest, keep it classy.
Those who set their lynch mobs onto those who disagree, could choose better ways to use their influence. Just because you’re ‘keeping it real’ doesn’t mean you can’t use self control and choose your words/actions carefully.
Maxabella says
Whether you have a ‘mob’ or not, the key here is to not get hysterical when someone cries foul. There’s no need to react like that. Read criticism and either take it on board or move on.
Vanessa says
The lack of critical thinking disturbs me. Not just online.
I do judge like hell. But I don’t tell people or abuse them for it! Judging can be good because I also explore WHY I think that about someone, or if I want what they appear to have, or whatever my judgey bit is.
As I put on Instagram the other day, disagreement is not trolling.
I don’t want my friends to think the same as I do, because that would be fucking boring. And there are enough boring people in the world.
I like having people who are the opposite of me – eg I have some very conservative Christian friends who are the opposite of me, but we can have adult, calm discussions about contentious issues.
The phrase “keep sweet” is something I’ve read in a number of bios about a religious group and I think it’s more pervasive than people will admit.
Sometimes I think the need to belong has gone too far. Maybe know who you are first, before assigning your mind away to a mob. (See, that’s pretty judgey!)
Dianne says
Yes! Why do people assume that it’s trolling or being nasty or judgemental to express an opinion different from others or to disagree? I’m happy for others to disagree or call me on my opinion or ideas, I think it’s a good thing because it challenges me to think and exposes me to ideas that I may have never considered before and low and behold – it educates me and broadens my opinion. That only comes from respect though. People seem to think you can’t have a discussion without someone winning – we’ve all come across those who are determined that there opinion is right and they refuse to even consider someone else’s ideas and are determined that you must change your idea and agree with them. I can and do happily have a discussion where I express my opinion, others express their opinion and we don’t have to agree – we just have to respect each other and listen to each other.
Maxabella says
I love diversity and I very much want to hear what people have to so. I never feel personally attacked if someone disagrees with my opinion. If they don’t like what I do, I want to know why because I’m curious. I won’t shut down a contrary opinion, ever. There are two sides to every story and I love stories. x
Dianne says
I agree with everything youve said. I recently commented on a friend’s shared picture – it was from one of those “stand up for our country, all Muslims are evil, reclaim our country” etc etc pages. It compared the young men who recently were arrested in Malaysia for wearing budgie smugglers with the Malaysian flag to women wearing Burka’s saying if Malaysia can arrest these men “we” should be able to arrest women wearing the Burka etc etc. I simply commented that I didn’t think this was the same thing. My friend took exception to my comment and messaged me privately saying “We’ll just have to agree to disagree”, just passively aggressively shutting down the conversation. Ah, no! I’m happy to accept she has a different opinion to me but I’m happy to tell you what I think. Her answer was that the Burka was an symbol of oppression for all Muslim women and as such should be banned. My argument was that there are women who wear that Burka out of choice and that it is a religious thing and I’m quite happy as an Australian to see women wearing them. Apparently men wearing budgie smugglers with a Malaysian flag on them in another country was just “boys being boys”. Never has a statement so outraged me. My answer – no, they were in a foreign country, they must obey their rules and it was silly and disrespectful. I don’t mind people disagreeing with me but sorry, when a ‘good church going Christian’ starts Muslim bashing, no I will not agree with you and no I will not shut up with a ‘we’ll have to agree to disagree’. I’m sick of the Muslim bashing and the ‘reclaim our country, send them all home because they’re trying to take over our country’. My friend lives in a little country town where she’s probably never even met a Muslim so she has no understanding of who they are. I’ll respect her opinion, but I’ll also disagree and express mine. Doesn’t make me a bitch any more than it makes her an idiot.
Maxabella says
Those kinds of conversations are exactly why we need to feel free to speak our mind. Keep it respectful. x
Toni says
I think it was Socrates who said, “The mark of an educated mind is being able to entertain an idea without accepting it.”
Closed minds and closed books help no-one. It’s just as pig-headed to be close-minded and supportive, as it is to be prejudiced.
Having escaped from a cult-like church, I am very wary of group-think, and the problems it both causes and hides.
Bron, you were not disrespectful in your opinion, and I didn’t read all the comments, but I also didn’t see any that were rude or mean-spirited.
Maybe it’s because I’m 50, but I fear I just don’t understand how the world seems to be wanting to work anymore.
Maxabella says
I don’t think it’s just ‘cos we’re getting older. I think it’s because society has genuinely lost its way. x
Michelle says
I love that Socrates quote
Kymmie says
Oh, heck yeah! I remember having a discussion with you face to face and it really had me thinking. So much so, it did get me to think more open-mindedly about agreeing to disagree. Thank you for your words of wisdom! x
Maxabella says
I always love our F2F discussions, Kymmie. We are a really good case in point: vastly different views on religion, but able to talk about those views and enjoy the conversation. That’s gold, in my opinion. That’s what I like the best. x
Lisa says
I went to start writing and then realised I was quoting this:
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!
Rudyard Kipling says it best. xxx
Maxabella says
Oh he does, and that is one of my all-time favourite poems. Thanks for sharing it. I get goosebumps every time. x
Michelle says
This is one of my all time favourite poems.
Sandra Kelly says
Another beautifully considered piece of writing. Even within a “tribe” our values and morals that drive us are bound to differ slightly and be open to interpretation. There is nothing evil about discussing our differences – it can even help define, challenge and grow our own values. BUT what is evil is defining and challenging other’s values by making it about the person and not the belief system or topic. Not sure I’ve made my point so that’s why I’m grateful people like you, and the others you have linked to, can write such considered posts with enormous grace. Thank you. Xx
Sandra Kelly says
And I wish I’d used a different word for “evil” – maybe “thoughtless”?
Maxabella says
I don’t believe in evil, so you’re all good there, Sandra 🙂 Thanks for your kind words and, as ever, thoughtful POV. I have always loved that despite the difficulties that being opinionated and writing online sometimes generate, people seem to get that I genuinely want to hear what others have to say. I think that’s why I write, actually. I hear what other’s have to say about what I have to say. x
Suzy @ In The Lyons Den says
I love your last paragraph, what you described there is how I am and how people should be with their friends. If a friend disagrees with us on an issue we don’t abuse them and tell them to f*** off! So the same should apply to people in general. We don’t all need to agree but there needs to be a mutual respect for people to express how they feel without feeling like they will be persecuted for their thoughts. A very thought provoking piece for people to really think about how we treat others.
Maxabella says
I think that if we approach life with the assumption that other people are coming from a place of kindness, even if they don’t quite express themselves as well as we’d like, then all is okay. That’s not the case, of course, but wouldn’t it be nice?
Jodi Gibson says
Everything yes. Especially your last paragraph, AND that WS quote. Yes.
Jodi Gibson says
WC quote. Typing too fast for my own good.
Maxabella says
He was a thoughtful man, that WS guy. 😉 x
Elsbeth says
Gosh you make me think you amazing woman! I love your diplomacy and analysis.
I do feel a bit like I’ve been eavesdropping or entered a conversation mid way as I don’t know the context of your post. Not that it really matters but might help me figure out exactly what I think.
I grew up in a Christian household, and we were taught to be the opposite of judgmental. To love everyone, not to knock other’s ideas but to stay true to our own. Sadly, that’s resulted in me hiding my own opinions (and especially my Christianity, because believe me we are as hated! Don’t believe me? Watch as I am shunned from conversations because my child does scripture at school rather than watch ipads for an hour in ethics).
Then I went too far the other way and said things that made me feel horrible for saying them. But you know, sometimes these things have a place. I have said mean things about my children when I’ve had a bad day. And it does just release a bit of pressure and help me to laugh it off. But it is definitely a balance.
It is totally true about people not allowing criticism but just taking advice from those in their gang. I am now so very thankful that I wasn’t part of the “in” crowd at school, because I never felt I had a tribe at all, I am totally okay with thinking differently to those around me.
Keep on at it Bron. I love you, and respect all your views.
Maxabella says
I respect your views too, Elsbeth. I don’t doubt that Christians are persecuted just as much as other religions (and Ethics classes too, apparently 🙂 You know I’m an Ethics teacher, right?). It’s why I don’t really understand religion much at all. But what I do understand is the values of being considerate towards others, looking after those who are needier than ourselves and striving always to be our best selves. I can get on with that and I believe those values are shared by every single religion I’ve ever come across. And I do think you have a tribe, because religion is a tribe of sorts, IMO. Somewhere you feel you belong and are cared for. x
Elsbeth says
BRILLIANT! We need more ethics teachers. My issue is more with there being no ethics teachers, and so the kids doing ethics are just watching TV or on ipads.. I don’t feel that’s a positive change. I actually feel there should be a religion subject, but it should investigate all religions – the similarities, the differences, the festivals the symbols, the ways of managing sadness and death. I feel this would go a long way to people having a deeper understanding and respect for those of any and other religions and also ways of processing cultural differences and even textual references eg when Name Days are mentioned in books with Greek characters, people wish their FB Eid Mubarak etc.
Michelle says
Bron I am sooo glad that you made the point that “I am doing my best” sometimes isn’t enough. That isn’t being judgemental – sometimes that is a fact.
In my line of work I do meet parents who do need someone to come along side them and say “actually you need support. This may be an ok standard for you but look at the impact on your children”.
We actually support our friends and community members when we are prepared to challenge them, have quality discourse with them.
I actually believe that expressing an opinion is a skill lost. The ability to articulate a personal argument without shaming or slandering a person seems to be lacking in many people.
It is a skill we need to teach our children.
Maxabella says
Oh yes, we most certainly do!!! I think if we teach the basics, though – be kind, be thoughtful, consider others – then the art of being constructively critical is actually quite easy to master. x
Kylie Purtell says
I have to admit, I’ve stayed away from all of this over the last few days. I read NM’s post on Saturday arvo and I loved what she wrote, but my first thought was “the minions are so gonna come after her for this!” and I couldn’t bear to watch. I’ve been struggling to pull myself out of a pit of self-negativity and I just couldn’t bear to watch someone be treated like absolute shit just for having an opinion. I know things have always been like this in internet land (and to some extent in offline land too), but I can’t help but think it’s gotten really bad in the last couple of years. This kind of behaviour, this piling on and trolling the living daylights out of people for having an opinion different to theirs truly is the dark side of the internet. I personally used to write quite a few posts about my (strong) opinions on things but I’ve mostly steered clear of doing so the last couple of years for exactly this reason. I’m at the point in my mental health where I need to switch off from the really negative things because it was just feeding in to my negative mindset and contributing to how down I’ve been feeling. I am so, so glad that there are people like yourself and some of my other favourite bloggers who aren’t scared to express an opinion and can do so without resorting to name-calling and denigrating those who don’t agree with you. It’s how critical thinking should be done.
Katie says
Long-time reader, first time commenter… I don’t like it when people say “Well, you did your best” if I know I haven’t – it makes me feel like they think I’m as silly or incompetent as I’ve just appeared. I’d rather they think I can do better than that, and next time I will!
Jo @ You had us at hello says
Have different opinions for sure, but the internet is a double edged sword when it comes to taking that opinion on the chin and laughing it off or taking it completely the wrong way and misconstrued. I’m glad both parties involved this week have great support crews around them to make sense through it all. It does worry me that this could happen again though, what if that person didn’t have the support? That scares me a little. I’m all for support and encouragement xx #teamIBOT
Natalie @ Our Parallel Connection says
I pack mentality never ends well – online or offline. No one should be afraid to share an opinion, a respectful opinion, no matter who you are having a conversation with.
Zanni says
Here here! (or is it hear, hear?). In my early days of blogging, I used to freely disagree in comments. Not to be antagonistic. Just because I didn’t agree with what was being said. That was until I caught on to the fact that I was the only one! It did not seem the done thing to disagree with others in the blogging community. So I stopped airing my opinion in comments. Living in the netherlands, it is refreshing to be around people who speak little, but speak their mind clearly and honestly. There is no BS, and you don’t worry about offending someone just because you disagree. If only we could chat openly about our opinions, in a respectful honest way, without it getting nasty and antagonistic?
Tegan says
I agree with you. Whenever someone disagrees with an opinion it seems there is always people who scream that we aren’t ‘letting’ them have an opinion. It annoys the hell out of me. If you didn’t have your opinion then I’d have nothing to disagree with!
Julie@Off to the park says
Oh god yes I agree! As someone who is quite reserved I usually shy away from sharing my opinions, because I hate being centre of attention or having someone disagree with me, and make me feel like my opinion isn’t worthy. I’m also tired of those group of Mums who are judgy about other Mums (based on misinformation they’ve heard from within their “small group of friends”) It’s a little high school if you ask me. x
Christine says
My husband got demoted yesterday. It’s a constant cycle with him, he gets a job, complains about it for 6 months, looses it and winds up unemployed for another six…meanwhile I’m left to cover all the finances..I HAD a savings before we met. It’s been this way for 4 years now. I’m left picking up all of the financial slack while he sits on his duff and makes out a list of things he WON’T do rather than what he HAS to do to support his family. Still thinking like a single man.
So understandably I’m upset and disappointed in him for not being proactive about protecting his job, he’s white, and being discriminated against by a black supervisor/team. He did nothing to try to protect his position when they had a meeting yesterday to demote him, just rolled over and let them step on him and take a chunk out of his paycheck. The woman belittled and berated him. The truth is, this black woman, who is only in her position because of her skin color and what’s between her legs, is intimidated by his experience and that he’s a skilled white man who may eventually take her job because he’s better at it than she is…so she had him fired before he could go anywhere with the team.
When I expressed my displeasure with his lack of proactive actions and lack of a spine to stand up for himself he said to me “thanks for the support.” What am I supposed to do, coddle him, throw him a pity party, say “congrats on making me pick up more of your financial slack once again?” Should I tell this 42 year old man-child that “it’s ok, it’ll be alright” when this is all we go through? Every job he’s had since I’ve know him I’ve gotten for him because he has zero ambition to do anything on his own unless it’s this ONE thing…that he hasn’t been able to come to terms with the fact that it’ll probably never happen for him….and we can’t afford for him to not work…so if I don’t do it, we’ll be homeless basically.
He’s about to see the difference in what used to be my support, to no support.